Saturday, February 27, 2010
You’ve got your hairporn, peeperporn, poutporn, fingerporn and for the more serious student – never mind the prophase, metaphase, anaphase action – we’ve got peenphase!
Yes, a peen phasing is a miraculous thing, much more promising than that Boyz II Dogz stuff in NM. But you have to be diligent to detect it when the poor things are kept so cooped up they can hardly move. Why doesn’t PETA say anything about that? Speak up, Kelmett! Power to the free-range peens!
Anyhow, we might not have noticed this one feeling the urge-to-surge if it wasn’t for an overheard conversation between Rob’s various accoutrements:
Shirt: Will you cool it down there?
Peen: Hey, I’m not the one that’s choking him! Since when do you get buttoned up to the neck?
Shirt: It was a misbuttoning, OK? Stop trying to make a spectacle of yourself.
Peen: Ha! You’re just jealous cause he’s always liked me best. Soon as we lose the papz, I bet he’s gonna choke me – Woo Hoo!
Lots of criticism out there about its flatitude. (Don’t feel bad, Rob’s hair, his girlfriend gets similar complaints, but at the end of the day you’ll both be sleeping with him and the whiners won’t, so it’s all WIN.)
Now we know Rob’s hair isn’t really flat. The world fell victim to the same vicious rumors sometime back (probably started by OK! Magazine), and a bunch of people got burned at the stake for poo-pooing them, but since then, it’s acted so round that the controversy has faded. Oh, there are a few diehards, known as Nonrounders, who swear they’re teetering on the edge. To them I say, teeter away – whatever turns you on.
But there’s no doubt that Rob’s hair will rise again. Like a phoenix, bursting forth in all its magnificence on its campaign to reach the far corners of the universe. It is, after all, Rob’s universe. He only lets us lust here. In the meantime, here’s a little poem to make the current do feel welcome.
There was a notagirl
Who had a little curl
Right on one side of his forehead
And when he was hawt
He was very, very hawt
And when he was not, he was torrid!
Robert Pattinson was spotted Thursday in London with “Lost’s” notorious Smoke Monster. It was going to eat him, but was bludgeoned into submission by hordes of female fans who told it in no uncertain terms to “get in line!”
Thursday, February 25, 2010
We've all seen and drooled over WetRob before. WetRob is nothing new. But no matter how many times we've seen him, WetRob usually causes a whole lotta wetness in everyone around him, ususally without even coming near us, sadly. The boy has mad skillz.
Thus begins "WetRob: A Retrospective." (or is that, a "WetRobspective?")
Next we have WetRobvador. Oh so pretty, dog-paddling around in the moonlight in his skivvies with Javier Beltran. Javier's no slouch, but I think he got the better end of that deal, macking on this for several takes:
Makes me wonder how the shoot with photog Theo Warner went for this thing...
Theo: OK, so Rob, how 'bout I hose you down and you try to look sexy for me?
Rob: Um, what?
Theo: You know, douse you with water, like a Flashdance kinda thing. Retro is in. I already humiliated you with the acid-wash tight jeans and Bedazzler vest, so this will be a piece of cake.
Rob: Ehrm, yeah, okay, sure.
*Theo throws bucket of water over Rob*
Theo: Yeah, that's it! Hot! Work it! Chicks dig the mipples, man.
Rob: The what???
Theo: Man nipples. Women are into 'em.
Rob: Really? Should I just take my shirt off?
Theo: No, that's okay. Until you do something about that jungle under your armpits, I think less is more.
Okay, admittedly, purposely-wet, posed Rob has a bit of eau de fromage about it. Sure, he's hot, but also teetering precariously somewhere between Tiger Beat and gay internet porn. It's kind of nice to see casual, minding-my-own-business-walkin'-down-the-street-drunk-until-some-frackin'-papz-get-in-my-face, accidentally wet Rob; or RainRob, as I call him.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I'm pretty sure it's not just me when websites from People to Tiger Beat are hosting polls asking the general public if Rob's new hair
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
When I saw this pic, after taking a moment to recover, I immediately sent it to my peeps under the subtle warning, "HOLEE SHIT!!!!!!!" The following ensued:
Amanda: Someone needs to write my obituary, STAT!
Elizalou: Oh fuck to be this model!!!!!!!!!! Goddamn!!
Me: Seriously...I am...uhhhh....fuck.
DD: Oh mother of all that is holy!!! Is this fucker in the magazine?????????
Kathy: He doesn't look relaxed and I can't tell if he looks hard....
LoveTheLips: OH MY GOD. MY INNER PERV IS GOING CRAY-ZEE RIGHT NOW !!!!
DD: Who the fuck picks the photos that are included in the magazine?????????????????? How could you NOT include this picture?????
Me: I know...in a MEN'S magazine! sheesh.
Kathy: Diana maybe it is in there...OMG I just slipped off my seat on this one. It's like my fantasy come to life....and finally we get to see Rob in compromising positions even if it is with a model.
Me: I seriously need the defib. My heart stopped.
DD: You still have a heart?? Mine is on the floor.
Me: Well, it started pounding like mad, so apparently it's still attached!
Kathy: hahahaha I thought you were talking about your vagina.....LOL
Me: If it had anything to pound right now, it would!
Amanda: Shit, forget the heart! I totally lost my vagina. It's just exploded right the fuck off my body.
DD: OMG ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa That is not a pretty picture.....
LoveTheLips: LMFAO - i'm gonna wake the kids i'm laughing so fucking loud at this comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kathy: LMFAO Amanda....I'm kinda thinking I need a moment alone with myself...LOL
Elizalou: I appear to be lost in this fantasy world where my view is from atop Mt. Pattinson....
Kathy: And that's prob one big fuckin' Mt too Liza!
Me: "Mount Pattinson"....don't mind if I do!!!
Elizalou: And notice how his hand is not relaxed at all... as if he's aching to reach up and grab her tit, or pull her face down to his. Grrrr.. damn...
Me: Auntapey on Twitter just pointed out how he's not touching her at all..."so awkwardly Rob" she said.
Kathy: Totally....his body language says it all.....he looks stiff and uncomfortable...look at the way his chest is out...perhaps he's arching a little...trying to keep little robbie from poking through...although I highly doubt that this would do it if he was glad he was hung over.
DD: Yes and that is probably why this pic is an outtake. He was probably supposed to touch her - like take her hips or shoulders or something. But this way it looks like he is trying to avoid touching her. hahahahahahahaha Totally Rob
Amanda: Or he's trying really hard to tame his semi that's begging to appear. He's probably distracted and silently naming baseball stats in his head to keep from involuntarily thrusting. Batting averages.....oooh titties.....no no no......pitching speeds.....oooooh straddling my......no no no......don't touch........don't touch.
Elizalou: hahahahah exactly!!!
Jala: Don't make me laugh, Amanda. Do you honestly think Rob knows anything about baseball stats?
That's too funny. I think he looks awkward because he's obviously having an allergic reaction.
Elizalou: Yeap.. something was in dire need of friction...
Amanda: Well that means Rob and I have something in common. Notice how I couldn't come up with anything more basebally than "batting averages" and "pitching speeds". I got nothin'. LOL.
Me: Well, for him it would be European football stats but I get ya...and DAMMIT couldn't that model have freakin' moved her thigh outta the way so I could see Rob Junior???
Amanda: I know, right? That selfish bitch!
LoveTheLips: I don't care if he's picturing Margaret Thatcher naked to tame his hard-on....HE LOOKS FUCKING HOT IN THIS.
Elizalou: Uhmm.... has anyone else noticed he's sporting an "i'm on the way to an O face?!" EH? Uhm... No way in hell would I have been "hovering" over Rob like that. OH no.. if I was that model, I would have been lowering myself.. oh yes. Pfft.
Kathy: I def would've lowered my vajaja and gone right to it....
Mandy: That's it, as if I didn't have enough reasons to hate this woman.....she's tall, skinny and most likely gorgeous. But then she has the job of straddling Robert Pattinson. How in the hell did she get so damn lucky?
Janece: Holy Toledo!!! Um, that man is NOT in pain there. Oh those dang models. and to think they spent the day with that man AND GOT PAID TO DO IT!! There is NO justice in my life!
Shani: Well Kris gets to fuck him and talk to him. Which neither one of the models got to do. So I say
the winner in all of this is her. LOL
Ahh....pearls of wisdom, there! And now that Shani has brought me back to reality, I will take my ghost-typing self to bed, hoping that when I wake, I'll miraculously have nine lives to work with again tomorrow. Knowing Rob, I'm gonna need 'em!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
How Hast Robler Died Me? Let me count the ways:
A. Rob Speaks. *dies*
B. Rob's esteemed co-workers give him high praise (which warms the cockles of my heart. And as Woody Allen said, there's nothing like hot cockles!) *dies*
C. Robler touches Almilie's face and leans in for a kiss *dies*
D. Robler hovers over Almilie on the bed and looks like he might lean in for a kiss *dies*
E. Robler buttons/unbuttons (let's hope for the latter) his shirt *AND Leann is down for the count, stone dead for today*
I'm down to 4 lives now. Just waiting for Rob to inadvertently drop the blade some other way today. In the meantime, fingers keep on typing and searching the 'net for more lethal Robpoison, masochist that I am....
Sunday, February 14, 2010
It's All Rob's Fault (aka the TMI, How Pathetic Is My Life, This Is What Happens When You Don't Have a Sweetheart on V-Day post)
Exhibit A, a couple of the reasons I holed up in front of the computer for several days with a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates and a couple of "goody drawer" unmentionables:
Saturday, February 13, 2010
1. Rob likes to go mantie-shopping with his best mate.
2. Rob gives good 19th Century.
6. Rob says really dumb things like "I'm allergic to vajayjays!" when he's had several beers and is being interviewed by a good friend.