Just a few scant hours ago, I made the mistake of wondering aloud what Rob might inadvertently do to end my last four fragile lives by the end of the day. Silly me. Does the boy ever disappoint? I can't think of a single time. Lo and behold, the following little nugget was found the size of a postage stamp on page 55 of the Details magazine Table of Contents. (Apparently the marketing geniuses had too many dirty martinis at lunch to figure out that this should have been a two-page, full-body-shot technicolor double-truck in the middle of the magazine, like a Playbold centerfold.)
When I saw this pic, after taking a moment to recover, I immediately sent it to my peeps under the subtle warning, "HOLEE SHIT!!!!!!!" The following ensued:
Amanda: Someone needs to write my obituary, STAT!
Elizalou: Oh fuck to be this model!!!!!!!!!! Goddamn!!
Me: Seriously...I am...uhhhh....fuck.
DD: Oh mother of all that is holy!!! Is this fucker in the magazine?????????
Kathy: He doesn't look relaxed and I can't tell if he looks hard....
LoveTheLips: OH MY GOD. MY INNER PERV IS GOING CRAY-ZEE RIGHT NOW !!!!
DD: Who the fuck picks the photos that are included in the magazine?????????????????? How could you NOT include this picture?????
Me: I know...in a MEN'S magazine! sheesh.
Kathy: Diana maybe it is in there...OMG I just slipped off my seat on this one. It's like my fantasy come to life....and finally we get to see Rob in compromising positions even if it is with a model.
Me: I seriously need the defib. My heart stopped.
DD: You still have a heart?? Mine is on the floor.
Me: Well, it started pounding like mad, so apparently it's still attached!
Kathy: hahahaha I thought you were talking about your vagina.....LOL
Me: If it had anything to pound right now, it would!
Amanda: Shit, forget the heart! I totally lost my vagina. It's just exploded right the fuck off my body.
DD: OMG ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa That is not a pretty picture.....
LoveTheLips: LMFAO - i'm gonna wake the kids i'm laughing so fucking loud at this comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kathy: LMFAO Amanda....I'm kinda thinking I need a moment alone with myself...LOL
Elizalou: I appear to be lost in this fantasy world where my view is from atop Mt. Pattinson....
Kathy: And that's prob one big fuckin' Mt too Liza!
Me: "Mount Pattinson"....don't mind if I do!!!
Elizalou: And notice how his hand is not relaxed at all... as if he's aching to reach up and grab her tit, or pull her face down to his. Grrrr.. damn...
Me: Auntapey on Twitter just pointed out how he's not touching her at all..."so awkwardly Rob" she said.
Kathy: Totally....his body language says it all.....he looks stiff and uncomfortable...look at the way his chest is out...perhaps he's arching a little...trying to keep little robbie from poking through...although I highly doubt that this would do it if he was glad he was hung over.
DD: Yes and that is probably why this pic is an outtake. He was probably supposed to touch her - like take her hips or shoulders or something. But this way it looks like he is trying to avoid touching her. hahahahahahahaha Totally Rob
Amanda: Or he's trying really hard to tame his semi that's begging to appear. He's probably distracted and silently naming baseball stats in his head to keep from involuntarily thrusting. Batting averages.....oooh titties.....no no no......pitching speeds.....oooooh straddling my......no no no......don't touch........don't touch.
Elizalou: hahahahah exactly!!!
Jala: Don't make me laugh, Amanda. Do you honestly think Rob knows anything about baseball stats?
That's too funny. I think he looks awkward because he's obviously having an allergic reaction.
Elizalou: Yeap.. something was in dire need of friction...
Amanda: Well that means Rob and I have something in common. Notice how I couldn't come up with anything more basebally than "batting averages" and "pitching speeds". I got nothin'. LOL.
Me: Well, for him it would be European football stats but I get ya...and DAMMIT couldn't that model have freakin' moved her thigh outta the way so I could see Rob Junior???
Amanda: I know, right? That selfish bitch!
LoveTheLips: I don't care if he's picturing Margaret Thatcher naked to tame his hard-on....HE LOOKS FUCKING HOT IN THIS.
Elizalou: Uhmm.... has anyone else noticed he's sporting an "i'm on the way to an O face?!" EH? Uhm... No way in hell would I have been "hovering" over Rob like that. OH no.. if I was that model, I would have been lowering myself.. oh yes. Pfft.
Kathy: I def would've lowered my vajaja and gone right to it....
Mandy: That's it, as if I didn't have enough reasons to hate this woman.....she's tall, skinny and most likely gorgeous. But then she has the job of straddling Robert Pattinson. How in the hell did she get so damn lucky?
Janece: Holy Toledo!!! Um, that man is NOT in pain there. Oh those dang models. and to think they spent the day with that man AND GOT PAID TO DO IT!! There is NO justice in my life!
Shani: Well Kris gets to fuck him and talk to him. Which neither one of the models got to do. So I say
the winner in all of this is her. LOL
Ahh....pearls of wisdom, there! And now that Shani has brought me back to reality, I will take my ghost-typing self to bed, hoping that when I wake, I'll miraculously have nine lives to work with again tomorrow. Knowing Rob, I'm gonna need 'em!