Pattinspired: Smoke Monster

Showing posts with label Smoke Monster. Show all posts

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Robert Pattinson Spotted with "Lost" Star

Robert Pattinson was spotted Thursday in London with “Lost’s” notorious Smoke Monster. It was going to eat him, but was bludgeoned into submission by hordes of female fans who told it in no uncertain terms to “get in line!”

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Ode to Rob, by Dr. Seuss

Should I talk about his scruff?

Or do you think we've had enough?

Should I mention his thick neck?

Or would it make us all a wreck?

Should I rave about his jaw?

Or would it be against the law?

Should I mention all his fingers?

Or would it make Robsession linger?

Should I point out his thick hair?

And how our hands could get lost there?

Should I mention his blue eyes?

Or will it only make us cry?

Should I drool over his lips?

Or will it make us lose our grip?

Should I measure Robbie's peen?

Or should we take it sight unseen?

Should I lick it with my tongue?

Or is he just too damned well-hung?

I want to grab his little tushy,

But that might seem way too pushy.

So I'll settle for his flicks

And staring at a million pics.

I'll study his delicious form

And wish that it would be the norm

Of all the everyday male slobs

Who only wish that they were Rob.

12-step program for Robsession (not for the faint of heart!)

1. Block all internet sites having to do with Rob, or any celebrity news whatsoever.

2. Block any TV shows featuring Rob interviews or reruns of Rob movies.

3. Sell any Rob DVDs you may own.

4. Rid the house of all Rob-related publications, including the Twi-books.

5. Delete all Rob videos, pictures and music from your computer's hard drive.

6. Vow to never speak of Rob again, with anyone, ever, unless in passing and pressed by a Normal Person to say his name; as in response to: "Who is the actor who stars in the Twilight Movies?" "Oh, that's Robert Pattinson." End of reply. No waxing poetic or drooling in accompaniment allowed.

7. Break ties with all Robsessors.

8. Apologize to all Real Life family members and friends for bending their ears incessantly about Rob, or ignoring them altogether in favor of Robsessing, whichever occurred.

9. Beg the above to forgive you and allow you to become part of their daily lives again.

10. Seek professional help to rid your mind of all fantasies, desires and obsessions about Rob, and replace them with healthy Real Life goals.

11. Move to a location where information about Rob is likely to be minimal if not non-existant; i.e., Siberia, the Sahara Desert, the Antarctic.

12. Remove all objects from your home that you might use to kill yourself after steps 1 through 11 have been implemented.

I have no idea why anyone would want to attempt such madness, but if you want to try to save yourself, have at it.