This being Sunday and a day for spiritual renewal, I asked the Right Reverend S.H. Moron for a scripture to give us strength during this time of drought. It goes without saying that neither the good reverend’s opinions, nor my own necessarily reflect those of the person from whom I
hijacked borrowed this blog.
The Book of Rob
1 For, lo, the new moon waneth and rejoicing is heard no more.
2 Now it came to pass that a great darkness fell upon the earth. In vain, did the righteous seeketh His glorious countenance, but He smiled not upon them, neither did He speak.
3 And there was weeping and rending of garments throughout the land.
4 Then gathereth the people every Hot Pocket under the sun. A burnt offering did they makest thereof and libations of Heinies, but He heeded them not.
5 And the women cried out in a loud voice, “O Rob, why hast thou forsaken me? For, lo, mine eyes hunger for thee and mine loins thirst. Verily, mine panties choketh on the dust.”
6 Then came forth the men, crying out “O, Powerful, if highly irritating, One, withhold not thy divine blessing for we are in need of succor and of Any our helpmeets do giveth us none.
7 But He hiddeth His face inside His hoodie-woobie and ascended into the Isle of Wight, which is called Ventnor, neither did He harken to their prayers.
8 And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth.
9 And it came to pass that a terrible calamity was visited upon the earth. Death and destruction rained down upon the innocent and they were sore afflicted.
10 Then didst His Holy Hawtness rise up, even unto the city of London, which is called . . . London. And behold, His visage shone out upon the world and He didst admonish the faithful, saying “Give of thy worldly goods to the suffering,” and they obeyed.
11 And When He saw that it was good, He sent forth she who sitteth upon His right hand. Yay, even that hand of the five fuckhawt fingers.
12 And the number of them is five.
13 Whatsoever else she sitteth upon shall be known only unto Rob. For it is written that, verily, she floateth His boat.
14 Like a mighty army didst She Who is Blessed Among Women march into the land of the dancing sun, and the people thereof fell at her feet, singing hosannas in her name.
15 And Rob saw that it was good. Therefore didst He take pity on His disciples, sending sacred signs of His favor, that they should not forget Him.
16 Thou shalt licketh, clicketh and saveth. So saith the commandment.
17 For whosoever createth an image of the Adorkable One shall giveth many to the multitudes, but the few shall be saved for the righteous, and their name shall be called Outtakes.
18 Then the women praiseth Him, crying, “See how He boxeth and jumpeth and knocketh me up from afar!” And there was much rejoicing in the land.
19 And when Rob saw that neither drought nor excess facial hair, nay, nor even beating them off with a stick could destroy their abiding love, He made a covenant with the faithful.
20 And lo, it shall come to pass that on the 29th day, His Holy Hawtness shall descend amongst mortals. In the borough of Manhattan shall he appear unto them.
21 Even unto the Philistines, which are called pappz, shall He deliver Himself that the people may bask in His glory.
22 And there shall be a great squeeing and poofing of panties.
23 And the lion shall lie down with the lamb.