Sunday, January 31, 2010

This Too Shall Pass

This being Sunday and a day for spiritual renewal, I asked the Right Reverend S.H. Moron for a scripture to give us strength during this time of drought. It goes without saying that neither the good reverend’s opinions, nor my own necessarily reflect those of the person from whom I hijacked borrowed this blog.

The Book of Rob

Chapter 189

1 For, lo, the new moon waneth and rejoicing is heard no more.

2 Now it came to pass that a great darkness fell upon the earth. In vain, did the righteous seeketh His glorious countenance, but He smiled not upon them, neither did He speak.

3 And there was weeping and rending of garments throughout the land.

4 Then gathereth the people every Hot Pocket under the sun. A burnt offering did they makest thereof and libations of Heinies, but He heeded them not.

5 And the women cried out in a loud voice, “O Rob, why hast thou forsaken me? For, lo, mine eyes hunger for thee and mine loins thirst. Verily, mine panties choketh on the dust.”

6 Then came forth the men, crying out “O, Powerful, if highly irritating, One, withhold not thy divine blessing for we are in need of succor and of Any our helpmeets do giveth us none.

7 But He hiddeth His face inside His hoodie-woobie and ascended into the Isle of Wight, which is called Ventnor, neither did He harken to their prayers.

8 And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth.

9 And it came to pass that a terrible calamity was visited upon the earth. Death and destruction rained down upon the innocent and they were sore afflicted.

10 Then didst His Holy Hawtness rise up, even unto the city of London, which is called . . . London. And behold, His visage shone out upon the world and He didst admonish the faithful, saying “Give of thy worldly goods to the suffering,” and they obeyed.

11 And When He saw that it was good, He sent forth she who sitteth upon His right hand. Yay, even that hand of the five fuckhawt fingers.

12 And the number of them is five.

13 Whatsoever else she sitteth upon shall be known only unto Rob. For it is written that, verily, she floateth His boat.

14 Like a mighty army didst She Who is Blessed Among Women march into the land of the dancing sun, and the people thereof fell at her feet, singing hosannas in her name.

15 And Rob saw that it was good. Therefore didst He take pity on His disciples, sending sacred signs of His favor, that they should not forget Him.

16 Thou shalt licketh, clicketh and saveth. So saith the commandment.

17 For whosoever createth an image of the Adorkable One shall giveth many to the multitudes, but the few shall be saved for the righteous, and their name shall be called Outtakes.

18 Then the women praiseth Him, crying, “See how He boxeth and jumpeth and knocketh me up from afar!” And there was much rejoicing in the land.

19 And when Rob saw that neither drought nor excess facial hair, nay, nor even beating them off with a stick could destroy their abiding love, He made a covenant with the faithful.

20 And lo, it shall come to pass that on the 29th day, His Holy Hawtness shall descend amongst mortals. In the borough of Manhattan shall he appear unto them.

21 Even unto the Philistines, which are called pappz, shall He deliver Himself that the people may bask in His glory.

22 And there shall be a great squeeing and poofing of panties.

23 And the lion shall lie down with the lamb.

Amen

14 comments:

  1. "Verily, mine panties choketh on the dust.” LMAO

    I must add that there is a new prophet BenParkermusic who has been singing his praises unto Twitter. Make sure to follow he who hath new access unto HHH.

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  2. Is it wrong that I got more from this than I did at church this morning? Nice "Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch" meets "His Holy Hawtness." My fave is the boxething and knockething me up from afar! Amen.

    I haven't even read all my emails because I bought a NEW TV and must spend the rest of the evening playing. Big Flatscreen Rob is coming my way. Oh yes. Praise the Lord...God is good!

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  3. Please express my gratitude to Pastor Moron for providing this most uplifting piece of scripture for our Edwardification. He/she/it is Robviously highly learned in Robligious matters and I, personally, hope to hear much more from him/her/it. Perhaps a weekly offering from the pulpit for the believers' upliftment and a good old laugh?

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  4. I think that is an excellent idea, Jala. Rev. SuperHuman Moron is welcome to preach the Rob Word any time she likes! Since my Pattinspiration failed me last week (does drooling wordlessly over EW outtakes count?), I was most happy to see some Robspirational words come from the Moron Pulpit. (No pressure though. *ahem*)

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  5. Damn, this is hilarious!
    I think I might visit more often ;)

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  6. Thank you, moan! I will pass that along to the author. I think I may be in need of more of her serons soon. Real Life is kicking my Robsession in the hiney these days...hope to be back blogging regularly soon!

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  7. Leann, Roblivious et al.....I'm enjoying all these hilarious postings, and the "Amnesia" story so much. Thanks for this brilliant blog. Looking forward to updates

    (Sorry finger slipped. Trying to establish identity.)

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  8. Thank you so much! Love your name, "Robsmacked"...I almost did a post this week under that very name! If I ever do, I will credit you there. :) The post was going to be about those pics of Rob that hit you between the eyes (or other parts) like a 2x4 as if you've never seen him before. *sigh* He is lethal. I should have Chapter 10 of Amnesia up this weekend. :)

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  9. "those pics that hit you between the eyes..." that's going to be an awfully long post if you do each pic individually with comments. There are rather a lot of them that elicit that reaction from me.

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  10. Leann....jeepers (*that's Iowa talk*), it's hard to imagine I got the first Robsmacked moniker!! You're welcome to use it.

    I'm not a writer (and not normally that much of a communicator online), but I do appreciate good writing. You're story satisfies my longing after S.M. (*the Holy*)! Looking forward to a lengthy series!

    Confession: Over the past year I made 4 thick scrapbooks on Rob, because I didn't realize I could get my jollies online. I rationalized because I'm old enough to be his nan that I was creating a chronology of his career which might be valuable when he becomes an icon (haha-he's already an icon). Now there's so much material, photos, videos, gifs. ff's, movies, all so delicious, and expanding all the time (most saved on my MAC). Not sure I can continue the scrapbooking! GAH!! (Has anyone else done that?)

    Anyway, he deserves a special place in paradise for bringing so much happiness, right? Paradise is right here. ("Proof That There is a God" - brilliant!)

    That's my story. Thanks again for the excellent blog!!

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  11. Haven't done the scrapbooking, but have plenty of magazines and books in my possession, not to mention a hard drive full of pics. It's a sickness, I tell ya! One of my friends is trying the 12-Step Program right now and she made it about 24 hours before caving, I think. ;)

    So nice to see a fellow Iowan! (how strange is that?) I was planning to do a post titled "Robsmacked," not use that as my username, so it's all yours! (excellent choice!)

    Thank you for the very nice compliments about my writing. I have never written anything of this length, so it's an interesting exercise for me! I am having fun, at any rate. :) My next chapter is about to get quite a bit more "lemony" than SM would ever dream of, so be forewarned! ;D

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