Today it was announced with much hoopla that Rob will be a part of George Clooney's global telethon to raise money for the embattled people of Haiti after last week's devasting earthquake. My first thought was, "How wonderful! Rob's star power will bring in tons of donations to help all those people in crisis!"
Okay, that's a lie. My first thought was, "OMG, the first Rob sighting in a month! What will he look like? What will he wear? What's that---he might be introducing U2? Rob and Bono on the same stage? How expensive are medical crash carts?" And then I berated myself for my horrendous lack of empathy, vowed to send a donation, and went right back to wondering what Rob will look like.
The last time Rob was sighted, he was once again trying unsuccessfully to hide underneath a hoodie. This is like trying to hide the sun under a dish towel.
An entire month has passed since this photo. If Rob has decided to shave 3 days beforehand, but not cut his hair, he will look like this at Friday night's telethon:
This is clearly a best-case, get-the-crash-cart-immediately scenario.
A second, slightly less desirable but still perfectly lovely possibility, is that Rob decided to shave in deference to the solemnity of the occasion, but still has not cut his hair, in which case he will appear like this:
Yes...still in danger of needing CPR or some other medical assistance. Ditto the following look, in which Rob has let nature take its course to its inevitable conclusion:
If the telethon had been just a couple of weeks later, however, we may have been subjected to the following:
Again, I may have required emergency care after this, but for very different reasons.
Of course, the opposite may have occurred. Rob may have awakened one morning with his hair hanging in his eyes and a piece of last night's linguini stuck in his 'stache, prompting him to pull a Britney:
I know many people adore this look. Personally, I find it "meh" and call it "Q-tip Head." (I have been informed that my Robsessed Card is in danger of being revoked over this statement.) However, with a little patience and Miracle Gro, it becomes this:
In light of all this, I am bracing myself for the worst-case scenario. Rob may have recently undergone a hair transformation in keeping with the 19th-century trends of his Bel Ami role, to begin filming next month:
MEDIC!!! Woman down in aisle 4! (Just send 'em over after the people of Haiti are properly taken care of.)
Whatever Rob's hair may or may not be doing at this moment, I'm sure he looks as lovely as ever. It's impossible for him to look bad. Right?