Monday, January 25, 2010

Amateur Robnithology: How to Spot Robird Pattinson in the Wild

As the Great Rob Drought of Winter '09-'10 continues, I am forced to go back through the Rob archives looking for something to talk about. After all, Rob is most likely the most blogged-about and Googled celeb on the planet at this point. It's all been said and done.

I have a little band of merry Robsessors with whom I communicate daily about all the Very Important Rob News of the day. (Typical topics include peen searches, eye color arguments, scruff discussions, bendy finger speculations, V inspections, beard rides, etc.) The Rob Chain Gang, as I fondly call them, have inspired many hours of pointless but highly entertaining time suckage, for which I thank them profusely.

Last October, A/LA sent us the following photo, just scanned out of the New Moon Movie Companion book:

The ensuing conversation went as follows:

Me: Oh for cripe's sake. Another double-breasted gray wool eyesore.

Roblivious: I had no idea you were into bird watching. Dateline: Amateur ornithologist Leann spotted the thought-to-be extinct Double-Breasted Gray Wool Eyesore.

Me: It is easy to spot in the wild because of the bronze cap covering its head, and a white patch on its breast.

LoveTheLips: The legions of Double-Breasted-Damp-Crotch females are a sure tip-off to his whereabouts.

Me: The females of the species often travel in flocks, emitting the mournful mating call of "ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-ob, ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ob!" ; while the skittish and elusive male warily skulks in the trees, grooming its plumage excessively.

Showme: LOL i don't think he grooms much

Me: I was thinking more about the constant hand combing through the hair when he's nervous...

LoveTheLips: i got it mean, Leann

Me: The Gray Wool Eyesore's distant cousin, the Black Rugby-Chested Jaybird, is found in warmer European climes. It is recognizable by its slender, long body and spiky comb, which, like the Eyesore, it grooms self-consciously in the presence of females of the species.

LoveTheLips: WTF is Rugby-Chested?......LMAO

(Ed. note: I realized later that this is actually a polo shirt, not a rugby shirt. I'm American, whaddya want?)

A/LA: He's wearing a Rugby shirt!
And Leann you ought to write the BoyBirds of Britain Encyclopedia. This is fascinating!!!!

Me: BoyBirds of Britain Encyclopedia? LOL! we have the Hooded Papsucker, a migratory bird usually seen landing only for brief periods of time in between flights to various locales as it searches for peace, quiet and a mate to hibernate with. A solitary bird, it shuns interaction with others, and spends most of its time avoiding falling prey to its natural enemy, the Paps. It is named partly because of its low warble at the sight of Paps, which sounds something like "SuckIt." This is often mistaken for a mating call by the female of the species.

The Black-Capped Flinch is a skittish, reticent bird that shies away from too much attention. It is easily identified by its solid black crown, flushed cheeks and sweet disposition.

The Heavy-Lidded Night Stalker can be found in a wide array of colorful plumage, but all varieties of the species share a dull, heavy-lidded stare, a sauntering stride and a pate of wild feathers at the crown. Can sometimes be heard cackling and taunting its natural enemy, the Pap, which it shares with its distant cousin the Papsucker.

The Hairy Horned Owl is characterized by copious spikes of hair-like feathers sprouting from its head, an attractive sleek, shiny coat, and a throaty mating call of "howYOOdoin?"

And last but certainly not least is the most desired and elusive of all Robird species: The Red-Headed Woodpecker. Because the Robird is generally wary and skittish due to its numerous predators (including all female species, which are highly attracted to Robird,) its wood is usually only visible during very private moments. Only if one can catch this type of Robird alone and make sure it is comfortable and well-fed will one have the pleasure of seeing its impressive pecker come to life. The Woodpecker is nearly impossible to find in the wild, because once caught, its captor rarely ever lets it out of the house again.

(Whoops! How'd that last one get in there?)

Jayalalita: Leann, I never knew you were such a learned Robnithologist. You must spend hours in secluded places with your binoculars waiting for sightings of rare species.

Me: Haha, Robnithologist! I must give proper credit to Roblivious' wit for inspiring my idiocy, and A/LA for spurring it on. The secluded place is my computer desk...lots of pretty bird-watching to be done from here!

...And that's the end of that bit of lunacy. BTW, I don't condone actual Robird stalking. That lovely bird deserves his privacy. Then again, hypocrite here is saving and disseminating pics taken by those very Paps I mentioned....a conundrum for a different blog.


  1. The originals made me laugh and now adding you commentary to it made it even funnier. Love your blog Leann.

  2. That was such a hilarious evening. One of the funniest wittiest convo's we had IMO. You're a genius.

  3. Well, I don't know about "genius," but I do know I get by with a little help from my friends. ;D