Thursday, January 21, 2010

Rob Mans the Phones to Help Haiti

We already knew it before, but we now have proof that Rob's generosity knows no bounds. He has actually agreed to answer phones and take donations from the unwashed masses for George Clooney's star-studded Haiti Relief Telethon. That's right, kiddies...if you live in Europe, or are willing to fork up the cash for an overseas call, you might get lucky enough to talk to Rob AND help a devastated nation. Total win!

...At least, in theory. Unfortunately, I can foresee some possible snags in this inspired decision to allow Rob to take calls from literally anyone who has access to a phone. Let's face it, this has "disaster waiting to happen" written all over it.

For instance, a typical call to Rob's hotline might go something like this:

ROB: Hello, this is Robert Pattinson and you've reached the telethon to help Haiti. Who am I speaking with this evening?

LITTLE GIRL: Is this Edward Cullen?

ROB: Well, sort of. I play Edward Cullen in the Twilight movies. My name is actually Rob---


*Rob holds phone away from ear before deafness ensues. Surrounding celebs cringe as screaming continues for full 60 seconds until Little Girl stops to catch breath.*

ROB: Are you okay?

LITTLE GIRL: Omigod. I love you, Edward.

ROB: Well, thank you very much. You realize you've called a charity fund-raiser to help Haiti after the earthquake, don't you? Would you like to make a donation?

LITTLE GIRL: I have three dollars in my piggy bank.

ROB: Well, every little bit counts.

LITTLE GIRL: Are you going to marry Bella? I heard you were going to. I would be really sad if you got married.

ROB: Don't worry, sweetheart. At this rate, the 4th Twilight movie will never be made. We really do need to use this phone line to take donations for Haiti. Perhaps your mother would like to help. Is she at home?

LITTLE GIRL: Mooooooommmmy! Edward wants to talk you.

ROB: *muttering to self* God, if this weren't for charity, I would sooo hang up this---

WOMAN: Hello. Is this really Robert Pattinson?

ROB: Yes, ma'am, it is. I'm helping the relief fund for Haiti, and we're currently accepting donations to---

WOMAN: Rob Pattinson? Wow! You don't mind if I call you Rob, do you? I mean, you seem so sweet and down-to-earth and accessible. I feel like I know you already.

ROB: Oh, well thank you, that's very nice. So would you care to make a donation this evening to help the unfortunate people of Haiti, who have been so devastated by---

WOMAN: I'll give you $100,000 to sleep with me.

ROB: What???

WOMAN: Listen, I don't believe in beating around the bush. You are the finest specimen of man I have seen in at least 20 years, and my husband is worthless in the sack. Money is no object. Name your price.

ROB: Wow, that's, uh...generous?...but I couldn't possibly consider such a---

WOMAN: $250,000.

ROB: I'm---uh, flattered?---flabbergasted, really---but honestly, I really can't trade sexual favors for charitable donations. It's unconscionable, I'm sure you'd agree.

WOMAN: I don't care, I'm desperate. Half a million. A million! I'll personally go feed every hungry mouth in Haiti by hand if you give me just one night of hot monkey sex. My husband won't care; you're my celebrity "free pass." Speaking of which, he wants to talk to you, hang on.

ROB: Ma'am, if you're not going to make a donation, I really need to move on to the next---

MAN: Hey, is this the Twilight kid? Robin Patterson?

ROB: *sighing* Robert Pattinson, sir. I'm helping take pledges for the people of Haiti today. We accept all major credit cards, and if you'll just hang on a moment, I can connect you to---

MAN: Yeah, yeah, no problem. Put me down for a hundred bucks. Hell, make it two hundred! It's worth every penny to tell you that you totally saved my sex life. My wife hadn't come near me since the last kid was born until she saw all those damned Twilight movies 20 times. Now she's got me dressing up in these crazy pea coats and putting a pound of Butch Wax in my hair, doing this role playing stuff--it's great! Our sex life has never been better. Normally I'd be jealous that she watches you on the bedroom TV every night while we're doing it, but since you look like kind of a pantywaist, I'm okay with it. No offense, of course. But I'm pretty sure I could take ya in a barroom brawl, if you know what I'm saying.

ROB: Yes sir, I'm afraid I do. So if you'll just hold for a moment, I'll connect you with an operator who will take your credit card information and your donation amount. Thank you for helping the people of Haiti.

MAN: Yeah, sure, no problem! Oh wait, this one's maxxed out, lemme go get another card....

ROB: *hanging up and taking a deep breath* Okay. They can't all be that bad. I'm ready for the next call!

BONO: *from the chair next to Rob* Sorry, man, the telethon is over now. I racked up over half a mil in donations! How did you do?


Okay. Hopefully it won't be that bad. Surely everyone can keep their cool for the people of Haiti, can't they? Just to be on the safe side, I'll call Brad Pitt's number in LA instead.


  1. Oh shit... that was hysterical! Sadly, probably likely as well!


  2. LOL, that's what makes it funny! I was wondering WTH would I say to Rob if I had him on the phone...then I started wondering what other people would say. Poor Robbie!...

  3. This is just too funny!!!
    They could rebuild Haiti in a matter of weeks if Rob raised money for sexual favors!

  4. Very funny! Is it wrong that I have seriously thought about calling London Friday night in the hopes that he answers? I mean, I was gonna/already have donated money anyway, so if I got to talk to him in the process...well, that would just be a win-win, wouldn't it? lol

    I'm adding your fic to my list...

  5. "Rob, I'll pledge $50 if you say you want me. $100 if you say you want me bad. $250 if you say you love me. "500 if you describe what you want to do to me. "1000 if you actually do it. "10,000 if you don't hang up - Rob! Rob, come back!" Yep, could hold up the phone lines a looooong time.

  6. Oh my goodness!! Hilarious! It will probably be like that too. You nailed it!!

  7. DIANE....ahahahahahahahahahah omg LOL...

  8. Oh jesus F I laughed myself out of my chair on this one. I even made hubbs read it. Even HE laughed. Well done, really. :D

  9. Hahahahahaha Rob's face on the phone after talking to the Man..PRICELESS..I thought it was cute until I saw that..and busted out~!

    I'm pretty sure I could take Robert in a bar-room brawl too..know what I'm sayin?..LOL

  10. Donna, you may be on to something...too bad it's illegal! I'd sooo be IN on that plan.

    Meg, you are not the only one having those thoughts, believe me. I think we have ALL been looking at the bank account, trying to justify it! Hope you enjoy the fic!

    Diane...keep talkin', baby! Let me know if it works. ;) (You never know until you try! And you do know that I require you to record that conversation.)

    Show...MUWAH Pimp Mama! Thanks for tweeting my silly li'l know I loves ya BB!

    Mabarbberella...even the hubby laughed! My work here is done. :)

    Kemberly, I think quite a few of us could take Rob! In more ways than one. *we wish* ;)

  11. Aha! 1st paragraph: "He has actually agreed to answer phones and take donations from the unwashed masses .... That's right, kiddies...if you live in Europe..."

    What are you trying to say about Europeans? LOL JK

    I love anon comments, I can pointlessly stir the pot. Stir, stir, boil, toil and trouble.



  12. Janece, oh my goodness, I didn't mean to forget you! Thanks for the comments. The truth is always funnier, or at least stranger, than fiction. And I could almost see this happening. LOL

    Oooh, I let all the Anons in and looked what happened...instant bedlam! ;D Hmmm, who's worse, unwashed Europeans or A's in LA? ha! As you know, there are many Americans I know personally who are primed and ready to pay overseas charges to talk to HHH. I'm calling them unwashed as well...yeah, I said it! LOL Love ya honey!

  13. Oh, kiss my anonymous booty.

    ;) A/LA

  14. Leann, I'll have you know I shower regularly. You totally cracked me up with this post. Love ya BB.

  15. A, as soon as you turn into Rob, I'll kiss your booty every day and twice on Sundays!

    Mandy, no need to clean up for me, I email and blog sitting in my sweats and a pit of my own filth regularly! *oops, TMI?* Love you too honey!

  16. Hehehe that was brilliant. I hope it won't go like that. But something in me says you are not that far of.

  17. Contribution to Haiti: $100
    International phone call (including hold time): $350
    Chance to talk to Rob: Priceless

  18. That was crazy funny!

  19. Hot monkey sex!!

    Hahahahahahahaha :)

    Still trying to find out where the heck this is being filmed in London......



  20. Thanks Alice! I think it might have gone that way it looks like he won't be on the phones...prob. for the best!

    Diane, honey, you KNOW that's right. Damn it all, we won't get the chance to find out now.

    Drsaka..thanks! I had fun with it. :)

    C...I hope you figure it out too honey! Go find Beardy Rob and pap him for us, will you? ;D

  21. OMG Leann - that was hysterical! Seriously, you have to write more! I can't wait to read your fanfic.... :)

  22. I think you've found the subject matter for your next FF there, Leann.

  23. OMR, that is totally probable and quite literally POSSIBLE. i do love the hubs getting on the phone and thanking rob for his new sex life!! you know many many hubs around the world owe Rob a thank you or 4!!!!!!!!! and yes, "hot monkey sex" wooo hoooo!!