Thursday, January 21, 2010
Rob Mans the Phones to Help Haiti
We already knew it before, but we now have proof that Rob's generosity knows no bounds. He has actually agreed to answer phones and take donations from the unwashed masses for George Clooney's star-studded Haiti Relief Telethon. That's right, kiddies...if you live in Europe, or are willing to fork up the cash for an overseas call, you might get lucky enough to talk to Rob AND help a devastated nation. Total win!
...At least, in theory. Unfortunately, I can foresee some possible snags in this inspired decision to allow Rob to take calls from literally anyone who has access to a phone. Let's face it, this has "disaster waiting to happen" written all over it.
For instance, a typical call to Rob's hotline might go something like this:
ROB: Hello, this is Robert Pattinson and you've reached the telethon to help Haiti. Who am I speaking with this evening?
LITTLE GIRL: Is this Edward Cullen?
ROB: Well, sort of. I play Edward Cullen in the Twilight movies. My name is actually Rob---
LITTLE GIRL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
*Rob holds phone away from ear before deafness ensues. Surrounding celebs cringe as screaming continues for full 60 seconds until Little Girl stops to catch breath.*
ROB: Are you okay?
LITTLE GIRL: Omigod. I love you, Edward.
ROB: Well, thank you very much. You realize you've called a charity fund-raiser to help Haiti after the earthquake, don't you? Would you like to make a donation?
LITTLE GIRL: I have three dollars in my piggy bank.
ROB: Well, every little bit counts.
LITTLE GIRL: Are you going to marry Bella? I heard you were going to. I would be really sad if you got married.
ROB: Don't worry, sweetheart. At this rate, the 4th Twilight movie will never be made. We really do need to use this phone line to take donations for Haiti. Perhaps your mother would like to help. Is she at home?
LITTLE GIRL: Mooooooommmmy! Edward wants to talk you.
ROB: *muttering to self* God, if this weren't for charity, I would sooo hang up this---
WOMAN: Hello. Is this really Robert Pattinson?
ROB: Yes, ma'am, it is. I'm helping the relief fund for Haiti, and we're currently accepting donations to---
WOMAN: Rob Pattinson? Wow! You don't mind if I call you Rob, do you? I mean, you seem so sweet and down-to-earth and accessible. I feel like I know you already.
ROB: Oh, well thank you, that's very nice. So would you care to make a donation this evening to help the unfortunate people of Haiti, who have been so devastated by---
WOMAN: I'll give you $100,000 to sleep with me.
WOMAN: Listen, I don't believe in beating around the bush. You are the finest specimen of man I have seen in at least 20 years, and my husband is worthless in the sack. Money is no object. Name your price.
ROB: Wow, that's, uh...generous?...but I couldn't possibly consider such a---
ROB: I'm---uh, flattered?---flabbergasted, really---but honestly, I really can't trade sexual favors for charitable donations. It's unconscionable, I'm sure you'd agree.
WOMAN: I don't care, I'm desperate. Half a million. A million! I'll personally go feed every hungry mouth in Haiti by hand if you give me just one night of hot monkey sex. My husband won't care; you're my celebrity "free pass." Speaking of which, he wants to talk to you, hang on.
ROB: Ma'am, if you're not going to make a donation, I really need to move on to the next---
MAN: Hey, is this the Twilight kid? Robin Patterson?
ROB: *sighing* Robert Pattinson, sir. I'm helping take pledges for the people of Haiti today. We accept all major credit cards, and if you'll just hang on a moment, I can connect you to---
MAN: Yeah, yeah, no problem. Put me down for a hundred bucks. Hell, make it two hundred! It's worth every penny to tell you that you totally saved my sex life. My wife hadn't come near me since the last kid was born until she saw all those damned Twilight movies 20 times. Now she's got me dressing up in these crazy pea coats and putting a pound of Butch Wax in my hair, doing this role playing stuff--it's great! Our sex life has never been better. Normally I'd be jealous that she watches you on the bedroom TV every night while we're doing it, but since you look like kind of a pantywaist, I'm okay with it. No offense, of course. But I'm pretty sure I could take ya in a barroom brawl, if you know what I'm saying.
ROB: Yes sir, I'm afraid I do. So if you'll just hold for a moment, I'll connect you with an operator who will take your credit card information and your donation amount. Thank you for helping the people of Haiti.
MAN: Yeah, sure, no problem! Oh wait, this one's maxxed out, lemme go get another card....
ROB: *hanging up and taking a deep breath* Okay. They can't all be that bad. I'm ready for the next call!
BONO: *from the chair next to Rob* Sorry, man, the telethon is over now. I racked up over half a mil in donations! How did you do?
Okay. Hopefully it won't be that bad. Surely everyone can keep their cool for the people of Haiti, can't they? Just to be on the safe side, I'll call Brad Pitt's number in LA instead.