Roblivious here, guest-blogging for the esteemed Pattinspired who has ostensibly gone to her mother’s *coughLondoncough* for the weekend.

In keeping with the recent uproar over Fanfic outtakes, I’m posting a brief synopsis that was written in response to a fan’s question.

Q. I hear there’s going to be Frenching in Eclipse. Does that mean kissing?”

K. AKA Our Lady of the Lewd Light Switches

A. No, there's a scene where the Cullens make French Fries for Bella. She puts ketchup on them, causing Jasper to wig out (no, seriously - his wig flies off and lands in the deep fryer). The hot oil splatters on Rosalie's designer apron, and she goes off on Jazz, saving Edward the trouble. Emmett tries to break them up, slips in the grease and slides straight through the window wall, which is a major pain to replace not to mention expensive.

Esme tries to give him a "time out," but his momentum has carried him all the way to First Beach where the wolf pack gets to wailing on him. Meanwhile, Alice dances blithely around the kitchen, hopping gracefully over the flailing Jasper and Rose, while Bella is still psyching herself up to take one tiny nibble of a fry.

Edward, having nothing better to do, drags her into a corner and kisses her senseless, while their panting, moaning and gasping in sexual frustration soon drowns out Jasper's shrieks of pain, Rosalie's cries of "Imma cut you, you Okie son-of-a-bitch!" and Esme's orders to "Get in here this instant, young man!"

Probably more likely than the scene you’re hoping for, K.