Bring on the Ge-orgy! (Rob Orgies: A Lawyer's Perspective)

Just when we think we've heard every panty-poofing bit of info we possibly could about Rob...just when we think there's nothing more he could conceivably do to give us any more cardiac episodes...news trickles down from the Bel Ami camp that there will be a new scene added to the production schedule.

What is this new scene, pray tell? Perhaps an additional scene in the Parisian newspaper where Georges DuRob gets his start? Or some more footage with his parents, to demonstrate the humble beginnings he's so eager to reject?

No, oh no. It's an orgy scene, presumably to demonstrate that Georges is an unconscionable manwhore with no moral compass whatsoever.

The Chain Gang has other thoughts on this matter, however. We're pretty sure this scene has been added gratuitously to exploit Rob's raw sensuality at the most base and deplorable level possible. And to that we say, "Why has no one thought of this before???"

Luckily, we have a crackpot lawyer on the Chain Gang who is devising a way to turn our demented, horny dreams into reality.

DD sent out the email of alarm on Saturday, under the title, "A Prayer: Oh please, please, please let this be true! I have been a good girl (well, pretty good, anyway) Please please please...." along with a link to the article about the upcoming Bel Ami orgy scene, to be filmed in a restored Pump House later this week.  How fitting.  Pump away, Rob...Pump away!!!

The conversation went something like this:

Leann: Uh, there was no orgy in the script...but I'm all for improvising!

Jittzpattzing: What director WOULDN'T be tempted to go there. Hell the fuck yeah!

DD: Well, so far there have been about a half dozen who don't appear to be tempted. Hahahahaha

Leann: LMAO, what is up with that???

DD: In my opinion, it demonstrates a serious lack of attention to detail. If they were thinking, they would know that gratutious RobSex is required in every movie.

Jittzpattzing: Yeah it should really be written into any contract Rob accepts lol

DD: I completely agree. Every contract!

Elizalou (the lawyer): I can get to work on that contract immediately!

DD: Why thanks, counselor! Make it snappy!

Kathy: Yes...we have a lawyer...we should be on that shit.

Elizalawyer: *gets busy working on that contract with one stipulation in bold-faced type:

ALL SEX SCENES WRITTEN FOR ROBERT PATTINSON (HEREINAFTER "HUNK OF HOT MAN MEAT"), INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO: ORAL, MANUAL, AND TRADITIONAL MODES OF COPULATION AND/OR STIMULATION, MUST BE PRACTICED WITH THE ATTORNEY (HEREINAFTER "LIZA THE TIGRESS"), UNTIL LIZA THE TIGRESS DEEMS SAID SEX SCENES WORTHY OF PRODUCTION. SHOULD HUNK OF HOT MAN MEAT PROTEST, AT ANY TIME, HE IS HEREBY PUT ON NOTICE THAT PROTESTATIONS, OF ANY KIND, WILL BE CONSIDERED A BREACH OF THIS AGREEMENT. IN THE EVENT OF BREACH, LIQUIDATED DAMAGES WILL INURE IN THE FORM OF HUNK OF HOT MAN MEAT BEING TIED TO ANY AVAILABLE BED, AT LIZA THE TIGRESS' CHOOSING, UNTIL HUNK OF HOT MAN MEAT SUBMITS AND AGREES TO CONTINUE PRACTICING SAID SEX SCENES*

Phew.

Yvonne:  Ohhhh yeaaah...I think you're onto something here Tigress ;)

Jittzpattzing:  Wonder how much rob gets paid for that? hahahahah

Leann:  Hmmmm, this contract seems highly self-serving. I think you need a co-signer and witness to the signing of this contract to attest to its validity, who shall be included in the sex scene rehearsal procedure. Let's call her "Leann the Lioness." Also, in the interest of brevity, I think that "HUNK OF HOT MAN MEAT" should be shortened to "Hunk-A-Man Meat," or "HAMM" for short.

Elizalawyer:  ARE YOU SAYING THAT MY CONTRACT IS UNCONSCIONABLE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leann:  No, I just want to make sure that the contract is viable and uncontestable.

*aka I want in on the action*

Kathy:  Along with the rest of us....it should be all or none...isn't that a Rob clause?

Elizalawyer:  Pfft most courts don't buy the unconscionability argument anymore! So long as HAMM is not under the influence of alcohol/drugs, and no one is holding a gun to his head or threatening his family, we're a-oh fucking kay! :p

Leann:  Otay, Buckwheat!

*you realize I have no idea what these legal terms mean, right? Therefore can plead ignorance should I violate the terms of the contract with unscheduled sex scene rehearsals with HAMM at o' dark-thirty in the morning*

Elizalawyer:  Ignorance of the law is no defense! The penalty for fucking the HAMM, in violation of the contract, is death by firing squad!

Leann:  Cease and desist! There is no death penalty here. Where do you think I am, Texas???

Elizalawyer:  The law of the state where the offense occurred controls.

*Liza prepares to write a clause stating that all production and rehearsal must take place in the State of TX. HAMM is not allowed to leave TX, and anyone removing him from the State of TX will be shot on sight.

Leann:  Egads, this movie production is beginning to sound a bit like "Deliverance!" Please don't make the HAMM squeal like a pig...it's most unbecoming.

Kathy: I was thinking the same thing, that it is totally self serving..shame on you Liza...there should be a clause for each of us to have access to HHH.

Jittzpattzing: I really feel an amendment must be made at the end. "All this subject to Jittzpattzing aka The Puma fully giving HAMM a pre-rehearsal prior to The Tigress and Lioness"

Kathy: Well I def don't want to be a wolf..but I could be a leopard!

Elizalawyer: Now that would be unconscionable. He'll be chafed for crissakes. CHAFED!

Kathy: LMFAO Liza...I think the boy will be fine...maybe a little tired and limp...but...

Jittzpattzing: That's the price of fame lol

Leann:   Pssssst.....Tigress.....make sure that no Pumas or Leopards get their paws on the HAMM previous to rehearsal. They will leave drool, bites and claw marks all over the HAMM, thus causing the make-up department added time and expense that will impede production. We'll call this the "no sloppy seconds" claws, er, clause.

Elizalawyer:   We shall write a clause into the contract that HAMM will be required to wear a birka, that is outfitted in the crotch area with an industrial grade lock, until he arrives on the production set, or until he arrives at Liza the Tigress' apartment for sex scene practice. The key for said birka will be held in the safekeeping of Liza the Tigress.
We'll get around any protests of inhumane treatment of the HAMM by outfitting him with a catheter, so that he can relive himself while cloaked in the birka. Bathing will not be an issue, as we already know he doesn't do much of that.

Leann:   Agreed.

*makes plans to pilfer Tigress's purse to make copy of birka key*

Yvonne:   hahahaha Watch out, she's prob got security cameras all over the place

Leann:  I will seize the key while she's busy cleaning HAMM's soiled birka. (Catheter does not take care of the feces problem, now, does it? Even if his poo does smell like roses! *copyright Roblivious*

Yvonne:  Uh oh. You said "poo"....Pattzy should be arriving any second now.

At this point, the conversation deteriorated because our trusty lawyer, already somewhat blotto on numerous glasses of vino, became entranced with the following on her TV set:

As Kryptonite is to Superman, so is Promward to Elizalou.

*Disclaimer:  Elizalawyer protested the printing of her contract on the blog because, quote, "Any lawyer worth their salt will say, 'shitty, sloppy ass contract she drafted there!' :p They won't know it was at midnight, written in under a minute, with a couple of glasses of wine clouding the judgment. But go ahead, in the name of the Robsession :p"

We're not letting her get off that easy.  As Rob is our witness, we will never go gratuitous-Rob-orgy-sceneless again!  *cue dramatic Gone With The Wind music as Robsessors stand united, clutching the remnants of hundreds of pairs of poofed panties in fists held high*