Edward Cullen’s Little Black Notebook
Monday, August 30
My life feels like a countdown now.
Every day I feel the ticking of the clock, the passage of time, like never before. Counting down to Bella’s birthday, which should be a happy occasion. I’m going to do everything in my power to make it that way, no matter what happens once the day comes to a close.
Every day the panic rises a little higher than before. I just hope it doesn’t choke me before I get to the finish line.
The fact that I did it to myself doesn’t help matters. If anything, it only makes it worse. My self-imposed deadline to tell Bella everything about you feels like a noose slowly tightening around my neck. And even though it’s one of my own making, and I deserve it one-hundred percent, it doesn’t make me any less afraid of dangling there, twisting in the wind after it’s all over.
Sometimes I hate you, Tanya. I hate you for what you did. I can’t deny it. You knew you’d fuck up my life irrevocably with your actions. That you’d stick the knife through both of us with one blow.
But no matter how much I resent you or despise you, it will never be as much as I despise myself.
I realize now just what I’ve done to myself by setting a date to tell Bella about you. I thought everything was fine at first. She’s my favorite distraction; my light that leads me out of the darkness. But when she had me handcuffed to her bed, the darkness won.
I’m not sure she understood what she did to me. She took me somewhere I didn’t even know I could go; pushed me further than you ever did. She invaded my body and was so ruthless in her possession that I didn’t even know if it was pleasure or pain I was feeling. All I knew was that just when I thought I couldn’t take it one minute longer, she’d keep going, and I’d keep taking it. I thought I would go mad.
But the pleasure somehow won, and I erupted. I came harder than I’ve ever come before. The release was beyond anything I’ve ever felt, and it was all for her. Only she could have done that for me. She’s the only one I’d ever trust that way; the only one I’d ever let close enough to see me so vulnerable - to make me so vulnerable.
It was too much. I watched her lapping cum off of me, pretending she loved it when I know she hates the taste, and I’d never felt so unworthy of anything or anyone in my life. I’ve been keeping things from the person I cherish most in this world, and the last thing I wanted from her was benevolence.
I wanted her to punish me some more instead - to squeeze my cock until it turned purple, to smack my ass until it was raw, to just fucking clock me across the jaw already and be done with it. I wanted her fury instead of her tenderness. She had bent over and taken a spanking from me; she’d let me shackle her and fuck her front and back with a vibrator; and here she was, prone before me, cleaning up my mess with her tongue when she should be sending me to hell instead.
I tried everything to goad her into hitting me. I wheedled, I connived. I finally begged. But she refused to let me have it. I know she suspects the truth - that there’s someone else whose punishment might finally free me from the guilt. But since you’re not here to deliver it, I don’t know who else can.
Bella refused to be your surrogate. After I got over the frustration, I realized I was glad. I don’t want her anywhere near the ugly stain you left behind. But I don’t know how much longer I can protect her from it.
Wait. Yes, I do.
Fifteen more days.
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