So without further ado, here is The Story of Rob, in (sometimes really bad) rhyme.
Our tale begins the thirteenth of May,
A blessed and auspicious day,
For a child was born in London fair
to a happy couple named Richard and Claire.
The Pattinsons named him Robert Thomas
And knew his life was full of promise.
Of course there was no way to know
Just how big his star would grow.
They blithely rocked his bassinette,
Never dreaming how famous he would get.
Rob charmed the nurses with his coos,
And when he left, they sang the blues.
Even the doc who slapped his bum
Exclaimed, “By Jove, he IS handsome!”
Though he was but a tiny baby
There were no “ifs, ands, buts or maybes”
That this was such a handsome child
He’d someday make the girls go wild.
His sisters Victoria and Lizzie
Put poor Robbie in a tizzy,
Dressing him up like a girl
And taking him out for a whirl.
His ego finally recovered,
And his mother soon discovered
Her son was quite a comely lad
Who’d even pose, scantily clad,
To make a pretty pound or two
In the modeling biz (which he outgrew.)
He sprouted up, quite tall and fine,
But he never learned to spin a line
To make the girls all stop and swoon
And not think him a daft buffoon.
He took his father’s sound advice
And headed where the girls looked nice.
An acting troupe had caught dad’s eye;
He told his son, “Give it a try!”
Acting class was time well spent
As Rob grew bold and confident.
The stage was where he found his voice
And settled on his career choice.
An agent saw his face, and talent;
And got his first film role as gallant
Rawdy Crawley in Vanity Fair
Where he first showed his dramatic flair.
His scenes fell on the cutting room floor,
Leaving Rob’s ego somewhat sore.
But he got right back up again
And moved on to the next big thing.
A coveted role in Harry Potter
Was his first taste of franchise fodder
It seemed his star was set to rise
If his next career moves were wise.
Rob forged on in fits and starts
As he floundered through his next few parts.
He chose some oddball indie flicks
That wouldn’t hinder or restrict
His desire to stretch and test a bit
To see which types of roles would fit.
A bumbling nerd named Daniel Gale;
A World War vet in a horror tale;
A 20-something misfit, “Art;”
An eccentric master of surrealist art.
All would help young Rob to grow
Into the talent we’d come to know.
He traveled to the USA
On his agent’s couch to stay.
He tried out for a Twilight role;
From all contenders the part he stole.
He simply WAS our “Edward Cullen,”
A vampire who is sometimes sullen.
Ideal in every other way,
It was the perfect part to play
For still-struggling actor Rob
Who was thrilled to actually get the job.
He clearly admired his leading lady,
Though some folks found the attraction shady
For Kristen was already taken
And her resolve could not be shaken.
She called poor Rob just a “good buddy”
And left the romantic waters muddy.
He couldn’t shake the thought that Kris
Was the only one to give him bliss.
And so he worshipped from afar
While concentrating on his star
Which was beginning to explode
From Twilight mania overload.
Girls swooned over movie Edward,
And thus o’er Rob from that day forward.
They screamed about his wild hair
And sighed over his bedroom stare.
His luscious lips and sexy pout
Were the stuff people write poems about.
His lean physique and straight, broad shoulders
Were matched by dusky blue-eyed smolders.
His sculpted jaw, his chiseled cheeks
Made females everywhere grow weak.
Of course, what some found so delicious
Made others instantly suspicious.
“Who is this new celebrity?
And how did his fame come to be?”
His interviews showed his true self
Revealing a surprising wealth
Of intelligence, candor and dry wit
That wore his detractors down a bit.
Behind his surface of hypnotic looks
Lie the words of over a thousand books
The beginnings and ends of a thousand songs
And the musings of a thousand rights and wrongs.
Robert Pattinson is no dummy…
Even if his face is yummy.
His shy and self-effacing charm
Only served to further disarm
The detractors who were quick to say,
“Edward is all that he can play!”
Wherever handsome Rob appeared
A slew of screaming fans drew near
With paparazzi close behind
Not caring if they were unkind.
His photo sold thousands of rags
And so “the shot” paps tried to bag.
The photo onslaught went full bore
As Rob and Kris rejoined once more
To play their Twilight parts again
And see if they were still “just friends.”
To spend more time with one another
To see if they belonged together.
Kris seemed to have a change of heart
And the two were seldom seen apart
Whether on or off the set
“Robsten,” it seemed, was a sure bet.
They kept their lives on the “down low”
And refused to give the press a show
Of their well-guarded love affair
No matter how much people stared.
The paparazzi gave full chase
Each one trying to win the race
To get the R/K “money shot”
Of a “Robsten” moment that was hot.
They followed Rob to his next set,
Remember Me---who could forget?
The fan girls watched Rob every day
While the paps got in the way
They scourged the streets of New York City
In a scene that wasn’t pretty.
Rumors of Rob tapped by a cab
Only made the fan base mad
And ready to hang paps by the thumbs
If they continued to act like scum.
A professional through and through,
Rob knew he had a job to do.
He ignored the madness all around
And proved his acting chops were sound.
Remember Me got mixed reviews,
But Rob’s acting was front page news
As he received more praise than not
And the film opened in the no. 4 slot.
Eclipse was up next on Rob’s slate
More Edward Cullen was on his plate.
He didn’t seem to mind one bit,
As his handsome face was often lit
With smiles and laughs reserved for Kris…
It seemed he’d waited all summer for this.
The Eclipse set was often shut
Leaving us to wonder what
Was really happening on the film
With a new director at the helm?
The rumors had been going steady
When the film was not quite ready.
The speculation wouldn’t cease
Until the movie was released.
Our David Slade fears were all for naught.
The romance and action scenes were hot!
The third installment of the saga
Still made fans worldwide go gaga.
When filming wrapped, Rob and Kristen stayed
In Vancouver and then LA
Until the approach of Christmas Day
When Rob finally went away
To visit his family across the earth
In the fair city of his birth.
Their separation wasn’t long;
Kristen waded through the airport throng
And suffered through inclement weather
So they could spend New Year’s Eve together.
They partied on the Isle of Wight
Where they stayed for a long fortnight.
She finally had to take her leave
So Rob could begin Bel Ami.
A period piece set in France,
Rob’s costumes put girls in a trance
As Hungarian females proved to be
As Robsessed as those in any country.
Rob’s co-stars are the highest caliber
Proving doubts of him are simply palaver.
His next film was nothing for beginners
As he played opposite two Oscar winners.
Water For Elephants was quite a hit
Cementing Rob’s status as “legit.”
He more than held his own onscreen
With talents huge and characters mean.
His performance had not one false note
But Rob’s not one to boast or gloat.
He gave his co-stars all the glory
And insisted “Rosie” sold the story.
Before the elephant tale was released,
Rob spent his time working without cease.
He toiled for months on Breaking Dawn
Dodging paps with Kris as the shoot went on.
Things started well in sunny Brazil
The all-night shoot giving fans a thrill.
Each loving Edward/Bella kiss
Was a perfect picture of “newlywed” bliss.
But later attempts to close the set
Were doomed to fail from the outset.
Inside “leaks” were soon apparent
As racy photos flooded the internet.
Regardless of the precautions they took
Fans worldwide managed to get a look
At leaked movie stills and clips
Of Edward and Bella’s honeymoon trip.
The entire cast was quite incensed
That their hard work was so dispensed
Without thought to what it meant to them
To put a tarnish on this Twilight gem.
Rob’s usual easy-going self
Was put temporarily on the shelf.
He was preaching to the choir
When he suggested we “good” fans conspire
To find the perps who sold them out
And do our best to take them out.
But as they say, this too shall pass,
With the exception of Rob’s cute ass.
No one could resist pics of Rob
Swimming in briefs while on the job.
Before the guy could blink an eye
“Jumping Rob” was on the fly.
Nothing says “you’ve made it--you’re there!”
Like a meme of you in your underwear.
But Rob is made of stronger stuff,
And I’m not just talking about his scruff.
He takes a licking on the chin
And keeps on going with an affable grin.
Rob’s found a new way to be happy
By adopting an adorable puppy.
An animal shelter yielded the mutt
Which must ease the yearning in his gut
For loyalty and companionship
Along life’s strange, sometimes lonely trip.
The puppy’s name is Yogi Bear;
Rob tries to take him everywhere.
But when he travels overseas,
Kris (and Dean) fill in with ease.
Rob and Kris--are you aware
Of what this means that you own Bear?
They say a pet is a practice run
Before you conceive your own little one…. ;)
These days there are few who doubt
What “Robsten’s” connection is all about.
Without revealing or denying,
They seem to have given up trying
To hide their affection for one another
While all but admitting they are together.
They really couldn’t give a flip
About clarifying their relationship.
Their happiness is plain to see;
Beyond that, they deserve their privacy.
Now that his “Elephant” press is done,
Rob’s taking a day or two for fun.
But soon he begins Cosmopolis
Set in a surreal metropolis.
With an esteemed director and a top-notch cast,
Rob’s clearly building his career to last.
Rob has done more than merely thrive;
He’s reaching the top…he’s truly arrived.
And to think he achieved all this and more
By the tender age of twenty-four.
He’s still got the fire and the drive
To reach new heights at twenty-five!
It’s a testament to how he was raised
That he’s managed to stay completely unfazed
By all the trappings and glamour of fame
Never getting caught up in the Hollywood game.
He’s still a sweet, good-natured young man
Who says a kind word whenever he can;
Who remains humble and thankful for what he’s received
While still blushing awkwardly at all he’s achieved.
For all of these reasons and too many to list,
I’m grateful, Rob, that you actually exist.
After all of this babble, I’m just trying to say,
You’re a wonderful person---
Have A Happy Birthday!!!
(I just realized I forgot to include the infamous road trip and RoBeard...maybe later!)