Moving on to the momentous occasion, about to happen in 3 short days...*drumroll please*...the anniversary of the day that the glorious creature known as Robert Pattinson graced the earth with his presence!
Okay, that might be a bit much. But not really...I don't think so. Anyhoo, without further ado, I have recreated the story of Rob's short life in (really bad) rhyme. Why? Why does Rob open beer bottles with a lighter? Because he can, and he doesn't have anything better to do! I rest my case.
(A little mood music first)
PattinSaga The Ballad of Rob
A blessed and auspicious day,
For a child was born in London fair
To a happy couple named Richard and Claire.
The Pattinsons named him Robert Thomas
And knew his life was full of promise.
Of course there was no way to know
Just how big his star would grow.
They blithely rocked his bassinette,
Never dreaming how famous he would get.
Rob charmed the nurses with his coos,
And when he left, they sang the blues.
Even the doc who slapped his bum
Exclaimed, “By Jove, he IS handsome!”
There were no “ifs, ands, buts or maybes”
That this was such a lovely child
He’d someday make the girls go wild.
His sisters Victoria and Lizzie
Put poor Robbie in a tizzy,
Dressing him up like a girl
And taking him out for a whirl.
His ego finally recovered,
And his mother soon discovered
Her son was quite a comely lad
Who’d even pose, scantily clad,
To make a pretty pound or two
In the modeling biz (which he outgrew.)
To make the girls all stop and swoon
And not think him a daft buffoon.
He took his father’s sound advice
And headed where the girls looked nice.
An acting troupe had caught dad’s eye;
He told his son, “Give it a try!”
Acting class was time well spent
As Rob grew bold and confident.
The stage was where he found his voice
And settled on his career choice.
And got his first film role as gallant
Rawdy Crawley in Vanity Fair
Where he first showed his dramatic flair.
His scenes fell on the cutting room floor,
Leaving Rob’s ego somewhat sore.
But he got right back up again
And moved on to the next big thing.
Was his first taste of franchise fodder.
It seemed his star was set to rise
If his next career moves were wise.
Rob forged on in fits and starts
As he floundered through his next few parts.
He chose some oddball indie flicks
That wouldn’t hinder or restrict
His desire to stretch and test a bit
To see which types of roles would fit.
A World War vet in a horror tale;
A 20-something misfit, “Art;”
An eccentric master of surrealist art.
All would help young Rob to grow
Into the talent we’d come to know.
On his agent’s couch to stay.
He tried out for a Twilight role;
From all contenders the part he stole.
He simply WAS our “Edward Cullen,”
A vampire who is sometimes sullen.
Ideal in every other way,
It was the perfect part to play
For still-struggling actor Rob
Who was thrilled to actually get the job.
He clearly admired his leading lady,
Though some folks found the attraction shady
For Kristen was already taken
And her resolve could not be shaken.
And left the romantic waters muddy.
He couldn’t shake the thought that Kris
Was the only one to give him bliss.
And so he worshipped from afar
While concentrating on his star
Which was beginning to explode
From Twilight mania overload.
Girls swooned over movie Edward,
A slew of screaming fans drew near
With paparazzi close behind
Not caring if they were unkind.
His photo sold thousands of rags
And so “the shot” paps tried to bag.
No matter how much people stared.
The paparazzi gave full chase
Each one trying to win the race
To get the R/K “money shot”
Of a “Robsten” moment that was hot.
Remember Me---who could forget?
The fan girls watched Rob every day
While the paps got in the way
They scourged the streets of New York City
In a scene that wasn’t pretty.
Rumors of Rob tapped by a cab
Only made his fan base mad
And ready to hang paps by the thumbs
If they continued to act like scum.
Rob knew he had a job to do.
He ignored the madness all around
And proved his acting chops were sound.
Remember Me got mixed reviews,
But Rob’s acting was front page news
As he received more praise than not
And the film opened in the no. 4 slot.
Eclipse was up next on Rob’s slate
More Edward Cullen was on his plate.
He didn’t seem to mind one bit,
As his handsome face was often lit
With smiles and laughs reserved for Kris…
It seemed he’d waited all summer for this.
The rumors have been going steady
Especially since the film’s not ready.
The speculation just won’t cease
Until the movie’s finally released.
In Vancouver, then LA
Until the approach of Christmas Day
When Rob finally went away
To visit his family across the earth
In the fair city of his birth.
Their separation wasn’t long;
Kristen waded through the airport throng
And suffered through inclement weather
So they could spend New Year’s Eve together.
They partied on the Isle of Wight
Where they stayed for a long fortnight.
So that Rob could film Bel Ami.
A period piece set in France,
Rob’s costumes put girls in a trance
As Hungarian females proved to be
As Robsessed as those in any country.
Rob’s co-stars are the highest caliber
Proving doubts of Rob are simply palaver
For Rob is now more than holding his own
With the top echelon of Hollywood’s thrones.
His next project is no film for beginners
As he'll play opposite two Oscar winners.
Rob has done more than merely thrive;
He’s reaching the top…he’s truly arrived!
And to think he’s achieved all this and more
Before the tender age of twenty-four.
It’s a testament to how he was raised
That he’s managed to stay completely unfazed
By all the trappings and glamour of fame
Never getting caught up in the Hollywood game.
He’s still a sweet, good-natured young man
Who says a kind word whenever he can;
Who remains humble and thankful for what he’s received
While still blushing awkwardly at all he’s achieved.
For all of these reasons and too many to list,
I’m grateful, Rob, that you actually exist.
After all of this babble, I’m just trying to say,
You’re a wonderful person---
Have A Happy Birthday!!!