From the Desktop of Bella Swan
Saturday, August 14
Healthy Horizons Day Spa was the polar opposite of Cullen and Cullen, PC.
As I waited nervously for my appointment with Katrina Denali, I wandered the front of the spa, which was a retail cornucopia of new-age remedies. I sniffed the essential oils, feng shui candles and bath products designed to calm and soothe. I perused the selection of health-related books that suggested ways to treat my recurring back problems. But I couldn’t stop glancing to the anterior of the building, which was divided into numerous private rooms for massages, facials, steam therapy and more. I wasn’t sure how I was going to react upon seeing Kate again, or what I would say to her. I was hoping that she would take the lead and somehow make this easier on me. I wished desperately that I was in Edward’s massage room now, stripped down to my underwear and climbing under the flannel sheet, waiting for him to come and lay his hands on me.
“Bella, so good to see you!” a faintly familiar voice greeted me. I quickly put the candle I’d been inhaling back on the shelf and turned to face Katrina Denali--all six feet of her. It seemed like it, anyway. She was nearly as tall as Edward.
“Good to see you, too,” I managed, trying to return a fraction of her toothy smile.
“I’m so glad you decided to let me help you and Edward out,” she continued as she approached. “He’s very concerned that you continue to get the proper treatment for your back. Why don’t we go talk a bit, and then get started?” She motioned for me to follow her to the back of the spa and I obeyed.
Katrina ushered me into a massage room only faintly reminiscent of the one at Cullen and Cullen. It was a bit more austere, in pale shades of cream, yellow and blue; far less darkly sensual than Edward’s. The music playing softly in the background was soothing and tranquil, but not as exotic. And Kate’s blonde, blue-eyed lightness was in direct contrast to Edward’s green-eyed intensity.
“I know it’s none of my business, but I’m really excited that Edward decided to refer you,” she said as she closed the door behind us. She motioned for me to take a seat next to her desk, then joined me in her matching blue office chair. “He’s been wrestling with this situation with you for a few weeks now. His one ironclad rule is that he won’t get personally involved with clients. Besides, he really wanted to be the one to help you. He’s got a bit of a God complex that way,” she said with a wry laugh. “But he obviously decided that a personal relationship with you was more important to him. That’s a big step for him.”
I stared at her, stunned into silence. She had just shed some much-needed light on Edward’s motivations, and it struck me how much my reaction must have upset him. I suddenly felt like a bit of an idiot for my irrational behavior the other day.
My dismay must have been apparent, for Kate’s smile faded and she asked, “Is everything okay? I’m sorry if I overstepped. It’s not my place to comment on your personal life, I know. It’s just that Edward is one of my dearest friends, so when I see how happy you make him, I want to do whatever I can to help you two out.”
“That’s very thoughtful of you,” I said, feeling a bit queasy. “I’m not sure how happy he is with me right now, though. I may have overreacted a bit when he told me he wasn’t going to be my therapist anymore. It’s nothing personal against you.” Well, not completely. “It’s just that I really felt like I was improving with his help,” I faltered.
“It’s normal for clients to feel apprehensive about switching therapists. I’m sure he understands. And I’m going to do my best to follow his recommendations to the letter so that you keep improving exactly the way he would want you too,” she assured me. She picked up a couple of fax pages from her desk and looked them over. I glanced at them and saw several paragraphs hand-written in an elegant scrawl that could only belong to Edward. I wondered what he had written about me.
“Emmett and Edward sent me some notes about the care they’ve given you so far,” she said as she perused the faxes. “It looks like you’ve been making good progress.”
“I have,” I agreed. “At least, I think so. I guess that’s why I was afraid to make a change.”
“Edward and I took a lot of the same courses together in school,” she informed me. “We’re both fully trained in the type of myofascial work he’s been performing on you. I have no intention of changing his methods or doing anything other than what he’s outlined here. He was very thorough and clear in his recommendations for you.”
I blushed, secretly pleased. “He is kind of bossy.”
Kate laughed, a rich bell tone ringing throughout the room. “He can be,” she agreed. “In this case, though, I agree with him. Now, I’m going to have you stand up so I can examine you before we get started.”
I dutifully rose from my chair while she eyeballed me up and down. She then moved behind me and gently ran her hands over my shoulders and down my back, her fingers finding and probing the various trouble spots as she went.
“Okay,” she announced as she stepped away and headed for the doorway. “I’m going to let you undress and get situated on the table. I’d like you to lie face down for the first part of the massage. I think you’ll be okay if I keep it brief,” she smiled. I cringed as I realized that Edward must have detailed my reaction the first time he ever worked on me. I wondered what else he had revealed about me to her.
I undressed and tossed my hastily-folded clothes on the chair next to the desk. As I turned toward the massage table, a framed photo on the other side of the desktop caught my eye. I recognized the two women in the picture: Kate, and the redhead with whom she had waltzed through the door of Billy’s the night I hid and watched Edward perform with Jasper. I wouldn’t have thought anything about a photo of Kate with her friend, except that there was something about their posture that spoke of much more than friendship. The redhead was seated on the grass in a scenic locale with Kate behind her, arm thrown possessively across her in a close embrace as she grinned over the redhead’s shoulder. The redhead clasped Kate’s wrist; their foreheads were pressed together. Their faces beamed with happiness. It looked remarkably like an engagement photo. I gaped openly at the image as the question popped into my head: Was Katrina Denali a lesbian?
I instantly remembered Alice Cullen’s statement that hell would freeze over before anything ever happened between Kate and Edward. He always acted like I was being silly whenever I indicated I was jealous of her, but he never revealed exactly why. Maybe he felt it wasn’t fair to bring her sexual orientation into our arguments; or maybe he enjoyed making me jealous, as payback for his unwarranted worries about Jake. I didn’t put that past him. The possibility of Kate swinging the other way--away from Edward--filled me with a giddy sense of relief.
I climbed upon the massage table, considerably more relaxed than when I’d first arrived. Regardless of her relationship with Edward, Kate’s warm, easygoing demeanor made it hard to dislike her. In a way, it was comforting to know that these were the sorts of people Edward surrounded himself with now, instead of lowlifes like James. As I rested my face in the donut hole, I couldn’t help but think back to my first massage with Edward, when I mistakenly had thought Emmett was working on me. I longed to see Edward’s untied shoelaces in my line of vision now, knowing that his touch on my neck would be the next thing I’d feel.
Instead, my down-turned eyes were soon met with the sight of a pair of neatly tied, brightly-colored tennis shoes after Kate knocked and entered the room. I wondered if she’d be meeting Edward for a match later, and if that was something they did regularly. I’d never wished so hard for someone to be a lesbian before--ironic in light of the fact that she soon would be running her hands all over me.
She announced that she was going to work primarily on my upper body today, which was unsurprising given the still-sensitive nature of my tailbone. She told me that next week she would address that issue more directly.
Katrina’s fingers were long like Edward’s, but lacking his masculine strength. My muscles still responded to the methods she employed because they were methods my body recognized. As the minutes ticked by, I had to acknowledge that it was much easier to relax with her, knowing that the hands manipulating me were not Edward’s. I was unable to perceive her touch as sexual because it wasn’t his. Instead, I was able to concentrate on the feel of my tissues softening and stretching under her gentle but insistent pressure. Why did Edward always have to be right about everything?
“You feeling okay?” she asked as she made her way slowly down my back.
“I’m fine,” I nodded into the donut hole. “Really good, actually.”
“Your muscles are responding very well, much better than what Edward described at the beginning of your treatment. He’s a very gifted therapist.” Her tone was admiring, almost envious.
“He’s wonderful,” I concurred, the words slipping out almost wistfully.
“Well, I’m going to do my best to continue in that vein. Now, I’d like you to roll onto your back. I’m going to work on your neck and shoulders a bit.”
I obeyed, careful to keep the sheet covering my body as I maneuvered onto my back. Kate, with her bodacious mammaries, didn’t need to witness my glaring lack thereof. Not that she would care anyway, with a gorgeous girlfriend like the redhead, assuming that was their relationship.
Katrina coated her hands with a lavender-smelling lotion before working my pectorals, shoulders and neck. She even swirled her hands up into my hair, gently massaging my scalp and literally pulling the tension from my jaws and forehead. She really was nearly as good as Edward; and after she was done, I told her so.
She smiled and said, “Well, those are pretty big shoes to fill, so I’ll take that as a compliment.”
I tried to muster the courage to ask her about the photograph on her desk, but could come up with no unobtrusive way to do it. I decided I would ask Alice about my suspicions after I left the spa.
When I had called Alice to tell her I couldn’t make yoga class due to Rosalie’s hi-jacking of my Saturday, she had decided to ditch exercise in favor of joining us. The day after Jasper agreed to escort her to the Black and Red Ball, she ran out and bought herself a dress; but that apparently didn’t dampen her enthusiasm for helping Rosalie and I shop for ours. I already knew I would be the odd woman out on this day of traditional female pampering. Rose and Alice had been gearing up for a day of shopping and facials like athletes psyching themselves up for a big game. I wondered if I could get away with being merely a bench-warmer this time around. I already knew the answer to that. They’d drag me into the fray anyway, so I might as well be a good sport about it.
I dressed quickly after Kate finished our session, then met her at the front desk to set up an appointment for next week, same time. I was still disappointed to be meeting with her instead of Edward, but if he had arranged this so that he and I would be free to see each other, I’d be stupid to harbor any ill will toward either of them.
An hour later over lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, Rosalie concurred.
“You’re looking at this all wrong,” she declared with a wave of her avocado egg roll. “If you start dating Edward, you can finagle the massages for free.”
“Huh, good luck with that,” Alice rebutted from the seat next to mine in our restaurant booth. “I think he used me once as a guinea pig while he was in school. After he got his license, he refused to touch me without payment up front. Mercenary.”
“Well, how was the massage with Kate, anyway? Was it that bad?” Rosalie asked.
“No, she’s actually really good. Not the same as Edward, of course, but I doubt anyone is.” I suddenly remembered my question for Alice and turned to her. “I saw a very interesting photo on Kate’s desk, of her hanging on some gorgeous female redhead, looking a little… Sapphic. Is that why you told me not to worry about her and Edward? Is she…?”
Alice’s peals of laughter stopped my question in its tracks. “A lesbian? Totally! The redhead is her fiancee, Victoria. You mean Edward never told you that?”
“No,” I admitted, feeling a little irritated with him all over again. “He always told me not to worry about her, but he never said why.”
Rose let out a scornful laugh. “Well, of course he never told you! It was in his best interest to keep you guessing, especially if he’s been worried about Jake. Men,” she snorted, shaking her head.
Alice looked apologetic. “I just assumed he had told you. I really can’t make any excuses for him--he should have been upfront with you, especially when he referred you to her for treatment. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I mean, her sexual orientation is really none of my business. Besides, Edward keeping that from me helps alleviate my guilt over what I said to him the last time we spoke,” I sighed.
Both girls were silent, their faces curious. I didn’t want to admit the crack I’d made about him not being a real doctor. It was a low blow I never should have delivered, no matter how upset I was at that moment.
“I said something pretty hurtful that I wish I could take back,” I finally admitted, looking down at my plate and pushing the last few bites of crab cake around with my fork.
“Bella, trust me, Edward doesn’t fault you for anything that happened,” Alice said carefully. I knew she had probably spoken with him and was most likely trying to figure out which of our confidences to keep. “He’s the king of self-blame. The way he told you he was sending you to Kate wasn’t exactly tactful. Which is very unusual for him, by the way.” She munched thoughtfully on a shrimp roll. “You know, I think that’s actually a good thing--the way you keep Edward off balance. He’s become far too self-contained and controlled all the time. He’s been playing it safe for awhile. It’s time for him to stop, and I think he finally realizes that.”
“Sounds like Edward and I have more in common than I thought,” Rosalie commented. “Your other brother has been doing a good job of turning my world upside down lately,” she added to Alice with a slightly perturbed grin.
“That works both ways,” Alice replied happily. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen that fire in Emmett’s eyes over a girl. He is completely smitten. And unlike Edward, I’m sure he wouldn’t even care that I’m telling you that.”
“He is an open book. It’s refreshing,” Rose agreed. “And kind of irresistible, after most of the game-players I usually attract.”
“God, this is so awesome,” Alice suddenly exclaimed, looking back and forth between me and Rose. “I can’t believe my brothers finally found cool girls they really like, who already know each other. It’s like kismet. We are going to have so much fun at the ball next week! I can feel it.” Alice’s leg began its requisite pumping and the booth bounced in accompaniment.
“Well, there is the slight problem that my dinner date is actually Jake,” I reminded her, glaring across the table at Rosalie. She appeared unfazed.
“A technicality,” she said dismissively. “I got you there, right? I had no way of knowing if Edward would ever get around to asking you.”
“He did wait too long,” Alice agreed. “He forgot the ball was even coming up. Boys are so clueless, and my brothers are no exception.”
“Boys are allergic to anything requiring them to dress up and act like civilized human beings,” Rose intoned.
“I can’t wait to see Jasper in a suit,” sighed Alice. “I might have to break my three-proper-dates-before-sex rule if he looks as devastating as I think he will.”
“Ah, the three-date rule. That’s a good one. Definitely hard to follow sometimes, especially with the Cullen brothers,” Rose said, giving me a knowing wink.
“Well, if my complete communication breakdown with Edward after last weekend is any indication, the three-date rule should definitely be enforced,” I said glumly. I wondered if things would have turned out differently if I had just stayed in my room Saturday night and let Edward and his stubbed toe fend for themselves.
Alice gave me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry about it. Edward’s not going anywhere. He’s so jealous over you bringing Jake to this party that his eyes are ten shades greener than normal. You should see the suit he bought this morning--midnight black Gucci, being fitted like a glove as we speak. I didn’t even have to nag him to go to the tailor. He wants to look good, and I know damned well there is only one reason for that,” she concluded, waggling her eyebrows at me.
I tried once more to picture Edward in a suit, long and lean and dashing. I knew he would pull it off spectacularly. I suddenly felt a little more serious about our impending dress-shopping excursion. I wanted the impression-making effort to be a two-way street.
“He bought a new suit for this? The boy is serious, Bella,” Rosalie agreed. “You need to up your hot factor, chica. Luckily, you are in very good hands.”
Rose and Alice exchanged self-assured smirks. “I love makeovers,” Alice said with relish. “Not that you need one, Bella. Just a little fine-tuning.”
“Great,” I sighed in surrender. “Tune away, ladies.”
I put myself in their capable hands for the rest of the afternoon. The only (and obvious) rule for attire at the Black and Red Ball was that it be mostly black, red, or some combination thereof. Rose and Alice dragged me to most of the big-name department stores downtown, as well as some designer boutiques, in search of appropriate dresses. The price tags were well out of my budget in most cases. Money never seems to be an object for Rosalie, and I’m not sure if she has credit card debt up to her keister or if her parents help her out. Perhaps I’ll be in for a sizeable pay increase if I ever work my way up to her position at Java Noise. All I know is that Rosalie didn’t blink an eye when the strapless, floor-length crimson gown she fell in love with had a $750 price tag attached. We all agreed that it was stunning the minute she walked out of the dressing room in the curve-hugging dress, which was dotted with exquisite beadwork along the bodice and trailing down the split floor-length skirt.
“You look like Jessica Rabbit,” I exclaimed.
“Emmett is going to bust something when he sees you in that,” Alice proclaimed.
“That’s exactly the idea,” Rosalie said with a quirk of one eyebrow. We knew the dress was a done deal, and so was Emmett.
Now all that remained was to find something for me, plus shoes and accessories, of course. I had tried on several things in half a dozen stores, but nothing was right. Either they didn’t fit well, were too froufrou for my taste, or were the wrong color. I was beginning to despair in spite of the girls’ assurances that we wouldn’t rest until we found the perfect dress. “I want Edward to shit himself when he sees you,” Alice insisted poetically.
“I’d rather he didn’t,” I laughed, “though there are other involuntary reactions that I wouldn’t object to.”
“Ha-ha, fine. I really can’t think about that the fact that my brothers have penises, though, I’m sure you understand.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about that fact, unfortunately. Ever since last Saturday, an undeniable resolve had taken root deep inside me: I intended to make Edward Cullen’s manhood hard as a rock the next time I had the opportunity. I wanted him sober and suffering with desire for me. I’d condemn him to enduring the Black and Red Ball with blue balls half the night if need be. I simply had to make him want me as much as I wanted him. And I had to find The Dress that would do the job.
The miracle happened just as I was about to give up all hope. I had begun to flip through racks of garments that weren’t even my size, just in case there was something hiding somewhere that I had missed. And suddenly there it was: a stunningly simple black gown in my size that had ended up on the wrong rack. I pulled it out and looked it over; it appeared that it would fit. I practically ran to the dressing room before Alice and Rose even knew where I had gone.
It was an elegant long-sleeved wrap dress, tying underneath at the waist and then draping through a wide, simply ornamented belt before falling in a long train at the back. Every step I took would reveal my legs as the wrap-front opened and flowed behind me. The fabric formed a deep V down my chest, revealing more flesh than I normally dreamed of showing in public. But my decided lack of cleavage made the neckline less shocking somehow, and the way the fabric gathered as it met the belt seemed to add some dimension to the curves I did have. From the back, the dress clung in all the right places, hugging and accentuating my backside in a rather sexy way.
A slow smile spread across my face as I looked at myself in the mirror. This was the one.
I exited the dressing room and went in search of Rose and Alice. I found them in the shoe department, debating the merits of pumps that either matched or contrasted with the dress. I cleared my throat loudly until both looked up. Their expressions were all I needed to cement my decision.
“Be-e-ella-a!” Alice squealed, rushing up and grabbing my arms as she looked me up and down. “This dress is amazing. You look a-ma-zing! You must get it. Are you going to get it? You have to get it. Edward is going to shit when he sees you in this. Holy mackerel on a cracker.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at Alice’s enthusiasm. I was actually pretty excited to see Edward’s reaction myself.
“Turn around,” Rose ordered from her chair, where she sat with one strappy red shoe on her foot and the other in her hand. I obeyed, turning and giving her a melodramatic sexy look over my shoulder.
“Your ass looks incredible in that. Your legs, too. You get the right shoes to go with that and Edward doesn’t stand a chance. Not to mention Jake, or half the guys at this party.”
I felt a blush warm my cheeks at their compliments. For the first time in my life, I began to look forward to an occasion in which I had to play dress-up. I was even interested in trying on shoes, and left the dress on while I did so. Rose was on a mission as well, and we both decided that contrasting colors were better: she chose a pair of stacked black pumps, while I went for something similar in red. I was hesitant to cheapen the elegant look with red shoes, but Rose and Alice both thought that if I got a matching clutch, it would be in keeping with the Go Red For Women theme. I found closed-toe pumps in a deep scarlet color that managed to look classy rather than trashy, and I strolled around in them for a bit to make sure I could do it without falling down.
I was so happy about my purchases that, like Rose, I didn’t even look at the price tags until I took them to the register. I nearly had heart failure when the clerk rang them up. I felt a horrible pang of guilt as I handed over my credit card, but then I came to a decision: I would take cash out of the settlement to pay for them if I had to. You know I’ve never spent a dime of that money on anything frivolous. But somehow this time I knew you’d approve.
I was actually ready for our trip to the salon after our shopping excursion. I never knew shopping could be so exhausting. At least I could relax at the spa while they exfoliated and moisturized and whatever else they planned to do to my complexion.
“I hope you like this place,” Rosalie grinned as she ushered Alice and I through the towering glass door and into a serene ocean-colored waiting area. “This week they’ll do the facials and waxing so our skin has time to recover. Next week we’ll be back for hair, make-up and nails before the party.” Her eyes were aglow with anticipation.
“You really live for this kind of stuff, don’t you?” I commented with a laugh. “How did you ever get into the music business?”
“Eh, the pampering only feeds my ego. Music feeds my soul,” she replied. Succinct, insightful comments like that one always remind me why I like Rosalie Hale despite her deceptively superficial appearance.
Moments later, the three of us were lined up like monkeys in one of the many spa rooms, our freshly scrubbed faces covered in some kind of aromatic green goo, cucumbers over our eyes. We reclined in thick terry spa robes and laughed about what the boys would say if they saw us now.
After the masks were wiped clean and various toners and emollients were gently rubbed into our skin, we were each taken to private rooms for further grooming. A no-nonsense looking Asian girl invited me to lie down on the spa table after studying my face and announcing, “We wax your eyebrows and upper lip. You have little bit of shadow there.” She pointed at the corners of my mouth.
“Well, I am a brunette,” I grumbled as she prepared the hot mixture at a nearby table.
“What about down there? How much you want removed?” She turned and pointed in the area of my crotch.
I stared at her blankly. “What are you talking about?”
She picked up a card that presumably contained the spa treatments Rose had ordered. “Your bikini wax. You want a landing strip, or you want it all off?”
I stared at her some more. “You--you have me down for a Brazilian?” I finally stuttered. Clearly Rose had no clue about my fear of waxing. Obviously, since she was my boss, we’d never discussed it.
“Yes, full wax. You want legs too?”
“No, I’ll just shave those,” I said with a shudder. The idea of waxing my legs entailed far too much skin being tortured than I could possibly bear. But something about the bikini wax held a certain appeal, in light of Edward’s proclivities. He had spent quite a bit of time in that area. I was hoping he’d feel like doing that again. Maybe it would be nice to have it all smooth and bare and…ready for him. Just thinking about it made me ready.
She approached with the pot of warm wax and a small wooden stick, then leaned in and dotted the sticky substance around my eyebrows to catch any stray hairs. She followed suit with my upper lip. As she pressed small strips of cloth into the wax, she asked the million dollar question again.
“Leave landing strip? Or remove all the hair?” Her hand hovered near the opening of my spa robe. I ignored the stab of panic in my stomach and forced myself to say the words.
“Take it all off.”
I’m not sure my bravery has been tested to such a degree in quite some time. First came the humiliation of every intimate part of me, front to back, being coated in hot wax and pressed firmly with cloth strips by a complete stranger. Then came the waiting period as my pubic hair and the cloth adhered to the cooling wax, while I tried to brace myself for the impending pain. It’ll be quick, I reminded myself. It’s just hair. You’ll be fine.
The tiny bit of calm that I had managed to achieve disappeared the minute the Asian girl returned to my room to finish the job. I squeezed my eyes shut as she approached. The sting of the tiny cloths being yanked from my face was sharp but brief. The technician applied some soothing balm to the spots and smiled as she viewed her handiwork.
“Okay, you ready?” she asked as she made her way south. “Hang onto sides of the table. I do it fast. You be fine,” she said authoritatively with a brief smile.
I held in the screams as the girl ruthlessly and repeatedly ripped what felt like three layers of skin from my entire groin. I felt like I was on fire, my crotch burned raw and radiating with pain. What have I done? I’ll never be able to have sex again! was my first agonized thought.
The technician only smiled down at my hairless pussy, evidently pleased with the results of her chamber of horrors. She closed the spa robe over me and reached for a tube of cream on the nearby table. “Here, you put this on now and repeat later as necessary. You be fine in a day or two.”
After she left, I dabbed the ointment gingerly on my smarting skin. I had to take a look at myself in the hand mirror she had left on the table to see how bad it was. I was surprised to see that my flesh looked fairly normal, save for its bright pink appearance at the moment. It was strange seeing myself that way, completely hairless, every detail of my genitals clearly visible with the slightest parting of my legs. I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not. I wasn’t sure what Edward would think, either. But I felt oddly brazen about the decision, now that it was done. Besides, the hair would grow back in no time anyway.
I dressed carefully, hoping my panties wouldn’t rub too much on my tender skin. I was sure I was walking a little funny, too, like I’d just survived a weekend-long sex marathon. Hopefully the next time I was sore like this, that would be the reason.
“God, that bikini wax is always a bitch, isn’t it?” Rose said in far too chipper a tone as I slowly approached the front of the salon where she and Alice waited. Maybe they got bikini waxes all the time and it didn’t take them as long as mine apparently did. I really didn’t feel like asking.
I smiled weakly. “Yeah, you could say that.”
“Oh, but it makes for such amazing sex,” she sighed in obvious pleasure. Alice raised her eyebrows and nodded in agreement. I only hoped I’d soon get the chance to find out, and that my nether regions would be sufficiently recovered enough to enjoy it.
“So how do you feel, ladies? Ready to take on the world?” Rosalie smiled expectantly as we exited the building and headed for her BMW.
“Absolutely. Or Jasper, at any rate,” Alice laughed.
A grin stole across my face as I walked down the street, my body feeling newly alive and aware. It was as if the removal of that protective patch of hair had only intensified and exposed the awakening inside me that Edward had sparked last weekend. I’d never been so conscious of my sexuality before; never felt it burning so insistently between my legs, demanding satisfaction.
But the difference in me was much more than that. The clothes, the grooming, were merely pieces of evidence. The real transformation lay far deeper.
“I feel like I’m ready for anything,” I said resolutely. “Like I’m ready for everything.”
Rosalie and Alice gave me a knowing smile, like they understood. Perhaps we all share the same secret. I have no doubt that we’re ready to take on the world--at least, our world, and the people we want in it.
But are they ready for us?
Visual for the next chapter. Just add a tie to Robward.
Oh, the things my fascination with Robert Pattinson has made me do! Inspired me to write a Twi-fanfic ("Amnesia,") for one. You'll find it posted here, along with a new fic ("Massage Therapy") and a few other ramblings of my Robdiculous mind.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Massage Therapy, Chapter 12 - Anticipation, part 1
From the Desktop of Bella Swan
Monday, August 9
“Wow. Those are gorgeous!” Rosalie exclaimed from the doorway between our offices.
We both stared at the profusion of brightly-colored daisies that dwarfed my desk from a large glass vase.
“Yeah, they are,” I agreed. I couldn’t remove the tiny grin that was fixed upon my face. Edward had remembered my favorite flower, which I had mentioned in passing on Saturday when we were just shooting the breeze. As gestures went, flower-sending was tried and true for a reason. Our text message “conversation” after I received them had gone well, too, with Edward giving me the extravagant compliment that they couldn’t compare to me. I wasn’t surprised at his poetic words; just giddy that they were aimed at me.
“Are those from Edward?” Rose asked incredulously. I nodded, still smiling. “Shit, what did he do?”
My smile finally faded. “What makes you think he did something?”
“It’s not your birthday, is it?” she checked. I shook my head. “Then a bouquet this big can only be an apology for something.”
I sighed and decided to spill the beans, at least the PG version, of what happened Saturday night. Rose sat down on the chair across from my desk and listened, her eyes growing rounder as I continued my tale. I left out the personal details, especially about Edward’s “equipment malfunction;” but she definitely got the gist that we were intimate.
“You have to promise not to tell Emmett,” I concluded. “I don’t think Edward has said anything to him about having feelings for me. If he still does,” I added uncertainly.
Rose gave the massive bouquet another gander and said, “Oh, he still does, trust me. He remembered your favorite flowers despite all the drunken mayhem later on. But my question is, what are your feelings after all this? Are you as upset as he seems to think you are?”
That was an excellent question. By the time I discovered Edward’s apologetic voicemail on the cell phone I’d neglected in my purse, I’d convinced myself that he regretted what had happened between us, and I was bracing myself for the return of Mr. Cullen, Massage Therapist Only, the next time I saw him. The thought made me sick to my stomach. I was frightened at how much more I wanted from him than that.
He had awakened something inside me that I didn’t even know was there--something primal and visceral. My entire being literally ached for him after he left. One night with him was all it took for me to want more; to yearn for his body next to mine as I slept. Instead, sleep was elusive last night while my imagination worked overtime, picturing the things we would do if he were there beside me, under me, over me. The oneness I’d felt with him when he’d grasped me so tightly and told me he needed me was the thing that I now craved like no other. I was shocked at how suddenly he felt like my other half, and how bereft I was when he was missing. I was scared to death that he’d never let me--or himself--feel that union again; that he would deny us both.
I wished I could understand better why he would do such a thing. Wouldn’t it be easier for him to just give in and be happy? Could he really be that afraid that I would hurt him? The idea was unthinkable to me. I just wanted to be with him, plain and simple. I was amazed at how quickly the desire had come over me. For the past nine months I had been happily single, for the most part. I’d been concentrating on graduating and getting my career off the ground, and a serious relationship was the last thing on my mind.
But when it came to Edward, it seemed that there was no middle ground. His arrival in my life felt hugely important, and it was both thrilling and terrifying. I could understand his hesitancy in giving himself over to it completely. After all, I had balked for a moment myself at the prospect of jumping in with both feet. But it seemed far too late to turn back now, to me anyway. I couldn’t bear the thought that it didn’t seem that way to him.
The first thing I felt when I heard Edward’s message to me on my lunch hour was profound relief. He wasn’t writing us off. He wanted to make things right. But the more I listened to it, the more worried I was about his comments that “he had done so many things wrong that he didn’t know how he’d make them up to me.” What was so wrong, I wondered? I’m sure he didn’t feel great about the way he’d showed up at the bar and skulked around spying on me, but that was inconsequential in light of everything that happened afterward.
I wondered if he remembered any of the wonderful things he’d said to me. The way he had wiped my insecurities away with one incredulous look; one reverent kiss. The way he had brought me to heights of physical ecstasy that I never even dreamed existed. Was he sorry about all of that? Why the hell would he think I “wouldn’t be able to get rid of him fast enough” the next day? I couldn’t help but worry over the difference the cold morning light had revealed in our viewpoints.
The arrival of the flowers spelled out that difference in vivid, colorful detail. He thought that whatever he had done required some kind of grand gesture of apology. As I stared at the innocent daisies now, I grew increasingly nervous over what, exactly, Edward felt sorry for.
I looked at Rosalie’s inquisitive face and tried to articulate how I was feeling. “I’m not upset, really. At least not like he thinks I am. I don’t care about any stupid mistakes he made by getting drunk or leaving too soon the next day. What worries me is that he regrets everything else in between, too. The good stuff.”
Rose scowled and waved her hand dismissively. “Don’t even think that way. If he didn’t want to see you again, he never would have phoned or sent flowers. He’s scared he’s in the dog house and he wants to get out. He said he was really sick, right? Most guys would rather die than let a girl see their weaknesses. He probably just didn’t want you to listen to him spew in your toilet all day, and now he feels like a giant douche about the whole deal. You just have to decide if you want to let him off the hook or not.”
“Of course I do,” I said. “I already texted him earlier and told him to stop apologizing. And then I got these flowers three hours later.”
Rosalie’s eyebrows raised. “Wow. He must be feeling guilty about something. Or, he just really, really likes you,” she added with a grin. She reached into the bouquet and took the tiny greeting envelope out of its plastic holder. “Mind if I read the card?”
Geez, nosy much? I felt like saying. But its contents were benign enough, so I shrugged and said, “Sure.”
“’Looking forward to Wednesday.’ What’s Wednesday?”
“My appointment with Emmett. Edward wants to talk to me afterward.”
“Face to face? That’s good. Better than over the phone. He’s manning up,” she smiled rising from her chair. “Sounds to me like you’ll have everything straightened out in time for the ball next weekend.”
She was about to turn and leave, but my stumped expression must have stopped her.
“’The ball?’ You mean like Cinderella?” I snorted. “What are you talking about?”
“The Black and Red Ball next weekend. You mean Edward didn’t ask you?” Her face registered surprise.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Why would Edward ask me to a ball?”
“It’s a big charity event that the Cullens throw every year. Emmett invited me over the weekend, and I must admit I was pretty honored, because it’s a huge upper-crusty gala. All of Seattle’s elite will be there. Well, maybe not Bill Gates-level elite, but you know, all the society-page types. I just figured that Edward had asked you to be his date.” She looked at me rather apologetically.
I stared at her a moment, not sure what to make of this news. “I’ve never even heard of the Black and Red Ball,” I finally admitted. “Edward never mentioned it to me.”
“Oh.” Rosalie looked chagrined. “Well, maybe he just hasn’t asked you yet. Although, being less than two weeks away, you’d think he would be trying to line up a date by now. Or maybe he’s not even going,” she suggested finally, as if trying to cheer me up.
“Maybe not. I can’t really see him at something like that,” I said, trying to picture him in a suit. No doubt the tie would look like it was strangling him, even more than his lab coat did.
“Well, it’s his loss, then,” she said. Her forehead scrunched in thought, a look I knew well: she was plotting. That could be a dangerous thing.
Suddenly her face brightened. “I think I’m having a really brilliant idea right now. What if I could find out a way to bring you with me, regardless of whether or not Edward gets around to inviting you? I’m wondering if Emmett can get us a corporate table. I’ll bet Rich and Mark would love to contribute to the cause and schmooze a little bit with some money types. We could all go together and represent Java Noise. That could be fun!”
“Yeah, sure,” I agreed less than enthusiastically. A fancy charity dinner didn’t sound like my idea of a fun evening; more like work, especially if our company president and A&R department head would be there. My brain was still trying to absorb the fact that Edward had not once mentioned the event to me--an event that his family hosted every year. Maybe he had no intention of asking me to such a thing, essentially “outing” our budding relationship to everyone. Did he intend to keep us in hiding? Or worse yet, did he intend to end “us” before we even began? Maybe the flowers weren’t a peace offering--maybe they were a consolation prize, meant to cushion an imminent blow.
I tried not to let that paranoid thought run away with me as Rosalie returned to her office to call Emmett and arrange everything. Minutes later, she poked her head through the doorway and reported that he was going to try to get Java Noise a table, and he’d have an answer for her tomorrow.
“This will be perfect,” she exclaimed, her eyes bright with anticipation. “You could bring one of the guys from the Wolf Pack to represent our clientele. I mean, if Edward’s not gonna step up, then this could give him a little nudge in the right direction, you know?”
The thought made me uneasy. “I don’t think game-playing is the right way to go about it, though.”
“I know, and I agree with that, as a general rule. But if he’s going to waffle back and forth and toy with your feelings, then I think he’s got a wake-up call coming to him. Do not underestimate the power of the little green-eyed monster. Maybe if you show up with someone else, it will inspire Edward to stake his claim.” Her eyes narrowed shrewdly.
“Geez, Rose, you make him sound like a Neanderthal,” I said with a small laugh.
“Honey, they’re all cavemen when it comes right down to it. Don’t let his civilized exterior fool you. You need to get him to cut through all the crap, figure out what he wants and then go for it,” she said with authority.
“You make it sound so easy. So black and white,” I sighed, knowing that with Edward, there were a hundred shades of gray in the middle.
“It IS black and white. Either he wants to try a relationship with you, or he needs to walk away. Don’t let him try to pull any of this in-between stuff. You deserve better,” Rosalie asserted. She raised her eyebrows at me authoritatively before going back to her office.
I thought about her words during my drive home after work. Maybe she had a point. I couldn’t deny that the fact Emmett had asked Rosalie to his family’s annual event while Edward hadn’t even mentioned it to me stung a bit. Emmett had known Rose for even less time than Edward and I had known each other, and yet he was obviously proud to have her on his arm. Maybe Rose was right, and I should send Edward a message by showing up with someone else. Make him work for it a bit. I was weary of trying to second-guess everything he said, every move he made. Perhaps it was time to just get on with my own life and make my own plans before I drove myself crazy over-thinking everything.
But even as I sit here typing this pep talk to myself, I know it will be easier said than done.
Wednesday, August 11
Oh God oh God oh God. This is bad. So bad. For one thing, it’s hard to type when I can’t see the keyboard through my tears. For another, it’s hard to find the words to explain just how badly I’ve screwed everything up.
It’s times like these when I wish so much that you could give me advice, I’m practically beating my head against the computer monitor in case it will make you magically appear. Where are you when I need you, Mom? I was hoping you’d be with me when I spoke to Edward today. I wish you had put some words in my mouth other than the ones that came out. I just hope I haven’t ruined everything permanently.
All day yesterday I felt like something bad was coming. I should have been looking forward to seeing Edward again, but instead I could only feel a vague but growing sense of dread. It didn’t help that Rosalie was a relentlessly busy bee, humming happily over the plans she was making for a group of us to attend the Black and Red Ball. By the time she had everything confirmed, The Wolf Pack had arrived to do some preliminary recording in-house before we farmed out the bulk of the job to a recording studio. She dragged me down to Studio B to approach the band about one of them attending the big soiree. They looked about as thrilled as I was at the prospect. Rose pinpointed lead singer Sam as the obvious choice to represent the band, and our company. He quickly begged off, saying that he had a prior commitment for his girlfriend’s birthday back home.
“Well, I want one of you to accompany Bella to this thing. What about you, Jake?” she suggested.
I wanted to sink under the recording console, or punch Rose in the jaw. Since neither was a viable option, I simply stood there smiling weakly, trying to avoid Jake’s raised eyebrows and toothy, pleased grin.
“I’d be happy to accompany Bella to the ball,“ he announced with a laugh. “Are you going to be wearing glass slippers and the whole nine yards to this gig?” His eyes twinkled at me mischievously. “Do I have to wear a tux?” he suddenly added, his smile fading.
“I think a nice suit and tie will suffice,” Rose told him. “Just think of it as an opportunity to reach a new audience instead of a boring obligation.”
“Sure, no problem,” Jake snorted. “Maybe I can sit in with the orchestra for awhile and give ‘em a little up-tempo backbeat. Or teach ‘em the chords to ‘Three Strikes,’” he added, referring to one of the band’s original songs. The guys all guffawed over the idea.
“Okay, that’s settled,” Rose said with satisfaction. “You two can work out the details later. In the meantime, we’ll leave you all to tap the creative muse. Barry will help you with that,” she smiled at the engineer as she motioned for me to follow her out the door.
“Thanks a lot, Rose,” I huffed as we retreated down the hall back to our offices. “Jake already has funny ideas about us. Now he’ll think this is a real date or something.”
“Is that so bad?” she countered in between the staccato clip-clop of her heels down the tiled hallway. My comfy espadrilles padded silently alongside her.
“Yes, it is,” I complained. “I’ve been trying to discourage him, especially now that we’re working together. It’s a recipe for disaster.”
“Spoken like, oh, I don’t know, Edward Cullen?” she shot back. “Maybe you should give the kid a chance if Edward’s not willing to play ball.”
“But I don’t have those kinds of feelings for Jake. And I can’t believe you’d encourage such a thing anyway.”
“I’m not,” she sighed as we neared her office. “I just think you should keep your options open. You can always remind Jake that the date is for work purposes only, but Edward doesn’t have to know that. You can play the jealousy card with him. It’s a win-win.”
“I’m starting to think you’re seriously deranged,” I told her, then realized she was still my boss, regardless of the crazy schemes she was dragging me into. “I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course,” I added grudgingly.
She only laughed. “Stop worrying so much. I have the feeling everything’s going to work out just fine.”
“What makes you think that?” I could only see probable disaster looming ahead.
“Just a hunch. I have a good feeling about next weekend. You’ll see,” she smiled knowingly. She reminded me of Alice Cullen at that moment, seemingly sage while endorsing a patently ridiculous idea. She disappeared into her office, ending our discussion for the moment. I headed back to my own and tried to concentrate on the pile of work waiting for me.
The afternoon was no better. Twice during breaks in recording, Jake came to my office to discuss our “date.” He wondered what he should wear, when the shindig started, how long it would take to drive there, and what time he should come pick me up. I felt like saying, “How the hell should I know? Ask Rosalie, since she’s the one dragging us all against our will.” Instead I tried to be nice and polite and noncommittal. I reminded Jake that this was only a work function. His words assured me he knew that; his expression said otherwise. The apprehension twisting my stomach muscles only grew.
Today they were in knots. All I could think about was seeing Edward later, regardless of the barrage of work-related chaos that demanded my attention. Rose was going crazy booking more appointments for the two of us: spa treatments, manicures and pedicures, hair appointments; and certainly not least of all, shopping for dresses and shoes. By the time I left work, she had my next two Saturdays jammed full of ridiculous frou-frou rituals in preparation for the Cullen fiesta. I might have gotten caught up in the spirit of it all if it weren’t for Jake chiming in throughout the day again, talking about borrowing a suit from Quil, who had been in his sister’s wedding last year. To my surprise, he sounded nearly as excited about all the excruciating details of this upscale party as Rose was. All I could get excited about was seeing Edward again. It had only been three days, but it seemed like weeks.
I practically raced out of the building to get to Emmett’s appointment. My nerves were dancing frantically by the time I rushed through the front door of Cullen and Cullen, PC. Jessica looked up at my flushed face and smiled broadly.
“No need to hurry. Emmett is still finishing up with a patient. You want to go sit in the massage chair for a little longer today?” she offered.
I let out a ragged sigh. “Yeah, that would be great,” I agreed. Maybe the extra time in the heated, automated massager would relax me a bit. I tried to think calming thoughts about lying on a sandy, sunny beach, listening to the waves; but inevitably Edward showed up in this scenario, bare-chested and squinting in the sun, laughing and teasing me and throwing me in the ocean, then falling upon me and kissing me. That scene quickly dissolved into an X-rated version of “From Here To Eternity,” sending my heart rate skyrocketing again.
Thankfully Emmett was free before I had any more time to fantasize. His amiable smile put me at ease as it always did. I wondered why he was always such a calming influence on me, when his brother had the power to send me into a tizzy in so many different ways.
“How are you feeling?” he asked as he ushered me into his office. “Any trouble with your back?”
“No, not at all,” I replied honestly. “The only trouble I have right now is work stress. The chair helped though,” I fibbed.
“Rose said it’s been pretty busy. Of course, knowing her, she’s creating half of your stress just by being so wound up herself.” Two weeks and Emmett already had Rosalie Hale figured out. Impressive.
He looked me up and down and said, “Well, I don’t see anything wildly out of place. Let’s get you on the table and check you out.”
He worked a bit on my back, but performed very few adjustments compared to what he usually did. I asked him if that was because I was improving.
“It is,” he confirmed as he raised the hydraulic table so that I could step off of it. “Things are staying in place much better than they were. I think you’re ready to go at least two weeks, maybe three, without seeing me.”
“Really?” I asked. My wallet was breathing a sigh of relief at the news, but the rest of me wasn’t so sure. I wondered if Edward would be telling me the same thing soon. I already disliked the idea of him cutting back on our therapy, even though I knew that day would eventually come.
“Yes, I think you’re ready. Ideally I want to gradually lessen the frequency of your treatments until they’re about every three months. If you keep progressing like this, it should happen in no time,” he smiled.
“Wow. That’s cool, I guess,” I said uncertainly.
He chuckled and shook his head. “Most patients would be jumping up and down at that news, you know.”
“I know. But I don’t mind coming to see you. I always feel better when you’re done working on me,” I told him truthfully.
“That’s nice to hear. That’s the whole point. But you shouldn’t need to have me manipulate you so often. We want to get you stable. Edward will continue to help you with that.”
“Right,” I sighed in relief. “I’m counting on that.”
He made some notes in my file and then said, “I hear you and some of your co-workers are coming to our fund raiser next weekend. I know it sounds like kind of a drag, but it can be fun. We’ll try our best to make it that way, anyway.”
“We?” I asked hopefully.
“Me, Edward and Alice. We’re all required to be there or we get cut off from our inheritance.” He studied my tense expression a moment. “That was a joke, by the way.”
“Oh, sorry,” I replied sheepishly. All I had heard was that Edward would definitely be there. “I’m sure it’ll be great.”
“I’ll make sure we all get seated at a big table together so we can talk about the snoots behind their backs,” he grinned conspiratorially. I liked how he said that as if he and his well-to-do siblings weren’t “snoots” themselves.
“Sounds like fun,” I laughed. “It’s an honor to be included, so thanks for getting us tickets.”
“No thanks necessary. It’s for a good cause. My aunt died of a heart attack at fifty-three a decade ago, and my mom and uncle have held this annual AHA fund raiser ever since. We appreciate when any company wants to contribute, so our thanks goes to Java Noise too.”
I nodded and picked up my purse, ready to go give Jessica my co-pay. My heart began pounding rapidly as Emmett and I said our good-byes and I headed to the front counter. After I gave Jessica my check, she announced that Edward wanted to see me in his office a moment. She looked blithely unsuspecting as she escorted me back down the hallway to the closed door and gave it a couple of raps. Then she smiled and left me standing there as she made her way back to the front.
The blood rushed through my ears in quick, rhythmic spurts as I waited. Why was I so nervous? Maybe because so much seemed to be riding on this meeting, and I wasn’t even sure why.
The door opened, and there he was, knocking the wind out of me again just by existing. His lab coat was gone, revealing a white button-down shirt with the sleeves casually rolled up, and deep gray, close-fitting slacks that revealed the long, slender line of his legs. He pushed his glasses up his nose and I stared into his glorious, troubled face. This gorgeous man was as nervous as I was. He was nervous over me. I still had trouble wrapping my mind around the concept.
He told me I looked great as he ushered me in and pulled up a chair. I sat down and folded my hands to keep them from reaching out to touch him. I was pretty sure we wouldn’t get anywhere if I threw myself on his lap and begged him to kiss me. Although maybe words were overrated. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to put the right ones together anyway.
He asked how I was, and I rambled some long, incoherent answer about work and the band. I wondered if I was visibly shaking, or if that was just on the inside. He said he’d been hanging out with Jasper’s band. I told him I’d like to hear them sometime. Then we stared uncomfortably at each other, and I wondered which of us would break first.
He did. He sighed and rubbed his legs, making me want to touch him again; and then he said he didn’t want things to be awkward between us. I felt the breath hastily leave my lungs, hoping he didn’t hear the shakiness that finally escaped. I told him that I didn’t want things to be awkward between us, either, and that was why I had been upset that he left the way he did. I just didn’t want him to shut me out again.
He apologized and said that he had panicked because it felt like too much was happening too soon. So he does regret what happened between us, I thought. I felt anxiety gnaw at my stomach again, exactly the way it had Sunday morning. It abated slightly when he told me he didn’t want to let the fear win anymore. He wanted to start over and do things right with me. He said he didn’t want to blow it this time.
I tried to assure him he didn’t blow it. I told him we didn’t have to start over; that we could just continue where we left off. How could we go back to the beginning when so much had been said and done? Granted, it had happened quickly, but to me there was no point in trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube, so to speak.
And then I realized that maybe he didn’t really remember what had happened. I had always known it was probable that he’d have no recollection of the things he’d said to me; the way he had begged me, “Let me love you.” But it still hurt when he assured me that our relationship wasn’t just about sex, because that confirmed my fears: the sex was all he remembered.
Of course, he insisted that he did recall everything about that night, but I doubted that was true. He kept talking about going back because we “missed a few steps somewhere.” He wanted to do things the “right way.” I tried to tell him that there was no right or wrong way; and why didn’t we just do things our way? But he had to go and apologize yet again for “performing a questionable sex act on a girl he really likes and respects.” It hadn’t felt cheap or tawdry at the time he performed it, but when he put it that way, it suddenly did now.
I knew I should have been elated that he was essentially telling me he wanted to date me. He was trying to be a gentleman and do things the old-fashioned way--the “right” way, in his mind. Why couldn’t he understand that I didn’t care about right or wrong-- I just wanted to be close to him? Having him pick me up for some formal date felt like going backwards. I knew that was silly, because he was right; technically we had skipped directly from a casual afternoon date to an evening of drunken sex. But we had talked and shared so many things in the short time that we’d known each other that I already felt closer to him than I had Mike in the entire time we were together. The strong connection I’d felt with Edward the first time I saw him perform had only grown deeper in the past few weeks. I simply couldn’t put my feelings for him in the context of casual dating anymore. I realized that I was ready for “too much, too soon”…and Edward wasn’t.
That’s when he introduced his plan for “making it up to me:” he wanted to take me to the Black and Red Ball. Now he asks me, was all I could think. Now that I already had a commitment to attend with my colleagues; now that Jake was getting his buddy’s suit altered so he could escort me. My face felt like it was on fire as I tried to explain. I watched Edward’s expression grow harder when he realized that I would essentially be going with Jake. I was reminded of that caged-lion look he’d had the first day I met him, across the hall in his massage room. I finally reached out to calm him, putting my hand on his knee as I begged him to understand that this was business, and that I would give anything to be there with him instead. Surely he had to know that. How many times did I have to tell him that he was the one I wanted before he’d believe it?
His tone was snide as he asked if I had planned to just show up and surprise him. How dare he, when he’d never even mentioned his family’s gala before now? I reminded him that it wasn’t like he had asked me to go with him, and for all I knew he was taking Kate or something. Her name just popped out of my mouth; a sore spot that I could never seem to quit poking to see if it still hurt me.
That’s when he blindsided me. At first he didn’t even realize what he’d blurted: that she would be treating me from now on. The Barbie Denali. The living, breathing antithesis of myself; the inadvertent trigger of every self-conscious insecurity I’d ever had. Confusion and panic fought for supremacy inside me. It didn’t even make sense to me at first. She was a massage therapist, too? I didn’t want that woman touching me, ever. And I didn’t want Edward to stop.
I could feel senseless tears coming before he even had a chance to go into his spiel about how he couldn’t treat me after everything that had happened between us. I had no choice but to tell him the naked truth: that he was the one who knew me, who knew my body; he was the only one I wanted touching me. I didn’t even know if I was talking about the therapy anymore. All I knew is that I didn’t want him to take his healing touch away from me. He and Emmett had helped me more than anyone ever before, and I couldn’t afford to lose that. The panic began to take over, wild and irrational. I didn’t want to hear any more of his excuses about conflicts of interest or legalities. Almost without conscious thought, my tongue lashed out, sharp and precise, and cut him off at the knees.
“But you’re not a doctor.”
The words reverberated in my head, strangely distant, like shrapnel bouncing off of a far-away target. I knew they would pierce his Achilles heel, and I was slow to claim them afterward. But there was no mistaking that they had shot from my lips. I knew I should apologize, but now that I needed them, the words refused to come. As Edward handed me Kate’s business card, with our usual Saturday, ten o’clock a.m. appointment time written neatly on it, I no longer wanted to apologize. I only wanted to cry, and leave, not necessarily in that order. I stared at the card and couldn’t help but feel completely abandoned in that moment.
When I got up to go, he tried to coax me to stay. He apologized about not asking me to the Black and Red Ball sooner; he tried to take me to dinner. I lied and told him I was meeting Angela. I knew I was pushing away the one thing I wanted most with both hands when I refused him. But I suddenly understood why he wanted to move more slowly, and go back somehow. Our utter lack of communication since I’d walked through the door spelled out quite clearly what I hadn’t wanted to see before: I didn’t know Edward as well as I thought, and it seemed he didn’t know me, either. Maybe a little breathing room was in order. I needed it desperately at the moment. I told him as much, and the pain I saw in his eyes cut me to the quick. We knew each other well enough to hurt one another, that much was certain. Whether we know how to heal and get past those hurts remains to be seen.
I tried not to cry during the ride home. It’s too dangerous to drive when you can’t see the road through your tears. But once I got here, I let them flow freely. I knew I was being foolish about Edward referring me to Kate, and I’m sure Edward didn’t understand my reaction at all. I’m not sure I understand it myself. All I know is that I was finally starting to feel okay again. Not just my back, but me. Dealing with the past. Letting go of some of the pain and survivor guilt. Letting go of you. But now I feel like I’m twisting in the wind, with nothing and no one to hang onto anymore.
I’m waiting for Angela to come home, because I know she’ll be able to calm me down and talk some sense into me. It’s not often that I lose it like this, but when I do, she’s the one person who can make me feel better, outside of you. And since you can’t give me those great mama-bear hugs anymore, I have to make do.
I haven’t decided what to do about the appointment with Kate. Right now, the thought of letting anyone but Edward put their hands on me makes my skin crawl. But my niggling curiosity about that woman, and her relationship with him, is nagging at me worse than ever. Maybe by Saturday I’ll be strong enough to show up for the appointment. What’s the worst that could happen? I can always leave. Lord knows if I’m there too long, Rose will be at the door with a stopwatch and a baseball bat, dragging me out to commence shopping for dresses.
Compared to that, a massage session with Katrina Denali might not be so bad after all.
Monday, August 9
“Wow. Those are gorgeous!” Rosalie exclaimed from the doorway between our offices.
We both stared at the profusion of brightly-colored daisies that dwarfed my desk from a large glass vase.
“Yeah, they are,” I agreed. I couldn’t remove the tiny grin that was fixed upon my face. Edward had remembered my favorite flower, which I had mentioned in passing on Saturday when we were just shooting the breeze. As gestures went, flower-sending was tried and true for a reason. Our text message “conversation” after I received them had gone well, too, with Edward giving me the extravagant compliment that they couldn’t compare to me. I wasn’t surprised at his poetic words; just giddy that they were aimed at me.
“Are those from Edward?” Rose asked incredulously. I nodded, still smiling. “Shit, what did he do?”
My smile finally faded. “What makes you think he did something?”
“It’s not your birthday, is it?” she checked. I shook my head. “Then a bouquet this big can only be an apology for something.”
I sighed and decided to spill the beans, at least the PG version, of what happened Saturday night. Rose sat down on the chair across from my desk and listened, her eyes growing rounder as I continued my tale. I left out the personal details, especially about Edward’s “equipment malfunction;” but she definitely got the gist that we were intimate.
“You have to promise not to tell Emmett,” I concluded. “I don’t think Edward has said anything to him about having feelings for me. If he still does,” I added uncertainly.
Rose gave the massive bouquet another gander and said, “Oh, he still does, trust me. He remembered your favorite flowers despite all the drunken mayhem later on. But my question is, what are your feelings after all this? Are you as upset as he seems to think you are?”
That was an excellent question. By the time I discovered Edward’s apologetic voicemail on the cell phone I’d neglected in my purse, I’d convinced myself that he regretted what had happened between us, and I was bracing myself for the return of Mr. Cullen, Massage Therapist Only, the next time I saw him. The thought made me sick to my stomach. I was frightened at how much more I wanted from him than that.
He had awakened something inside me that I didn’t even know was there--something primal and visceral. My entire being literally ached for him after he left. One night with him was all it took for me to want more; to yearn for his body next to mine as I slept. Instead, sleep was elusive last night while my imagination worked overtime, picturing the things we would do if he were there beside me, under me, over me. The oneness I’d felt with him when he’d grasped me so tightly and told me he needed me was the thing that I now craved like no other. I was shocked at how suddenly he felt like my other half, and how bereft I was when he was missing. I was scared to death that he’d never let me--or himself--feel that union again; that he would deny us both.
I wished I could understand better why he would do such a thing. Wouldn’t it be easier for him to just give in and be happy? Could he really be that afraid that I would hurt him? The idea was unthinkable to me. I just wanted to be with him, plain and simple. I was amazed at how quickly the desire had come over me. For the past nine months I had been happily single, for the most part. I’d been concentrating on graduating and getting my career off the ground, and a serious relationship was the last thing on my mind.
But when it came to Edward, it seemed that there was no middle ground. His arrival in my life felt hugely important, and it was both thrilling and terrifying. I could understand his hesitancy in giving himself over to it completely. After all, I had balked for a moment myself at the prospect of jumping in with both feet. But it seemed far too late to turn back now, to me anyway. I couldn’t bear the thought that it didn’t seem that way to him.
The first thing I felt when I heard Edward’s message to me on my lunch hour was profound relief. He wasn’t writing us off. He wanted to make things right. But the more I listened to it, the more worried I was about his comments that “he had done so many things wrong that he didn’t know how he’d make them up to me.” What was so wrong, I wondered? I’m sure he didn’t feel great about the way he’d showed up at the bar and skulked around spying on me, but that was inconsequential in light of everything that happened afterward.
I wondered if he remembered any of the wonderful things he’d said to me. The way he had wiped my insecurities away with one incredulous look; one reverent kiss. The way he had brought me to heights of physical ecstasy that I never even dreamed existed. Was he sorry about all of that? Why the hell would he think I “wouldn’t be able to get rid of him fast enough” the next day? I couldn’t help but worry over the difference the cold morning light had revealed in our viewpoints.
The arrival of the flowers spelled out that difference in vivid, colorful detail. He thought that whatever he had done required some kind of grand gesture of apology. As I stared at the innocent daisies now, I grew increasingly nervous over what, exactly, Edward felt sorry for.
I looked at Rosalie’s inquisitive face and tried to articulate how I was feeling. “I’m not upset, really. At least not like he thinks I am. I don’t care about any stupid mistakes he made by getting drunk or leaving too soon the next day. What worries me is that he regrets everything else in between, too. The good stuff.”
Rose scowled and waved her hand dismissively. “Don’t even think that way. If he didn’t want to see you again, he never would have phoned or sent flowers. He’s scared he’s in the dog house and he wants to get out. He said he was really sick, right? Most guys would rather die than let a girl see their weaknesses. He probably just didn’t want you to listen to him spew in your toilet all day, and now he feels like a giant douche about the whole deal. You just have to decide if you want to let him off the hook or not.”
“Of course I do,” I said. “I already texted him earlier and told him to stop apologizing. And then I got these flowers three hours later.”
Rosalie’s eyebrows raised. “Wow. He must be feeling guilty about something. Or, he just really, really likes you,” she added with a grin. She reached into the bouquet and took the tiny greeting envelope out of its plastic holder. “Mind if I read the card?”
Geez, nosy much? I felt like saying. But its contents were benign enough, so I shrugged and said, “Sure.”
“’Looking forward to Wednesday.’ What’s Wednesday?”
“My appointment with Emmett. Edward wants to talk to me afterward.”
“Face to face? That’s good. Better than over the phone. He’s manning up,” she smiled rising from her chair. “Sounds to me like you’ll have everything straightened out in time for the ball next weekend.”
She was about to turn and leave, but my stumped expression must have stopped her.
“’The ball?’ You mean like Cinderella?” I snorted. “What are you talking about?”
“The Black and Red Ball next weekend. You mean Edward didn’t ask you?” Her face registered surprise.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Why would Edward ask me to a ball?”
“It’s a big charity event that the Cullens throw every year. Emmett invited me over the weekend, and I must admit I was pretty honored, because it’s a huge upper-crusty gala. All of Seattle’s elite will be there. Well, maybe not Bill Gates-level elite, but you know, all the society-page types. I just figured that Edward had asked you to be his date.” She looked at me rather apologetically.
I stared at her a moment, not sure what to make of this news. “I’ve never even heard of the Black and Red Ball,” I finally admitted. “Edward never mentioned it to me.”
“Oh.” Rosalie looked chagrined. “Well, maybe he just hasn’t asked you yet. Although, being less than two weeks away, you’d think he would be trying to line up a date by now. Or maybe he’s not even going,” she suggested finally, as if trying to cheer me up.
“Maybe not. I can’t really see him at something like that,” I said, trying to picture him in a suit. No doubt the tie would look like it was strangling him, even more than his lab coat did.
“Well, it’s his loss, then,” she said. Her forehead scrunched in thought, a look I knew well: she was plotting. That could be a dangerous thing.
Suddenly her face brightened. “I think I’m having a really brilliant idea right now. What if I could find out a way to bring you with me, regardless of whether or not Edward gets around to inviting you? I’m wondering if Emmett can get us a corporate table. I’ll bet Rich and Mark would love to contribute to the cause and schmooze a little bit with some money types. We could all go together and represent Java Noise. That could be fun!”
“Yeah, sure,” I agreed less than enthusiastically. A fancy charity dinner didn’t sound like my idea of a fun evening; more like work, especially if our company president and A&R department head would be there. My brain was still trying to absorb the fact that Edward had not once mentioned the event to me--an event that his family hosted every year. Maybe he had no intention of asking me to such a thing, essentially “outing” our budding relationship to everyone. Did he intend to keep us in hiding? Or worse yet, did he intend to end “us” before we even began? Maybe the flowers weren’t a peace offering--maybe they were a consolation prize, meant to cushion an imminent blow.
I tried not to let that paranoid thought run away with me as Rosalie returned to her office to call Emmett and arrange everything. Minutes later, she poked her head through the doorway and reported that he was going to try to get Java Noise a table, and he’d have an answer for her tomorrow.
“This will be perfect,” she exclaimed, her eyes bright with anticipation. “You could bring one of the guys from the Wolf Pack to represent our clientele. I mean, if Edward’s not gonna step up, then this could give him a little nudge in the right direction, you know?”
The thought made me uneasy. “I don’t think game-playing is the right way to go about it, though.”
“I know, and I agree with that, as a general rule. But if he’s going to waffle back and forth and toy with your feelings, then I think he’s got a wake-up call coming to him. Do not underestimate the power of the little green-eyed monster. Maybe if you show up with someone else, it will inspire Edward to stake his claim.” Her eyes narrowed shrewdly.
“Geez, Rose, you make him sound like a Neanderthal,” I said with a small laugh.
“Honey, they’re all cavemen when it comes right down to it. Don’t let his civilized exterior fool you. You need to get him to cut through all the crap, figure out what he wants and then go for it,” she said with authority.
“You make it sound so easy. So black and white,” I sighed, knowing that with Edward, there were a hundred shades of gray in the middle.
“It IS black and white. Either he wants to try a relationship with you, or he needs to walk away. Don’t let him try to pull any of this in-between stuff. You deserve better,” Rosalie asserted. She raised her eyebrows at me authoritatively before going back to her office.
I thought about her words during my drive home after work. Maybe she had a point. I couldn’t deny that the fact Emmett had asked Rosalie to his family’s annual event while Edward hadn’t even mentioned it to me stung a bit. Emmett had known Rose for even less time than Edward and I had known each other, and yet he was obviously proud to have her on his arm. Maybe Rose was right, and I should send Edward a message by showing up with someone else. Make him work for it a bit. I was weary of trying to second-guess everything he said, every move he made. Perhaps it was time to just get on with my own life and make my own plans before I drove myself crazy over-thinking everything.
But even as I sit here typing this pep talk to myself, I know it will be easier said than done.
Wednesday, August 11
Oh God oh God oh God. This is bad. So bad. For one thing, it’s hard to type when I can’t see the keyboard through my tears. For another, it’s hard to find the words to explain just how badly I’ve screwed everything up.
It’s times like these when I wish so much that you could give me advice, I’m practically beating my head against the computer monitor in case it will make you magically appear. Where are you when I need you, Mom? I was hoping you’d be with me when I spoke to Edward today. I wish you had put some words in my mouth other than the ones that came out. I just hope I haven’t ruined everything permanently.
All day yesterday I felt like something bad was coming. I should have been looking forward to seeing Edward again, but instead I could only feel a vague but growing sense of dread. It didn’t help that Rosalie was a relentlessly busy bee, humming happily over the plans she was making for a group of us to attend the Black and Red Ball. By the time she had everything confirmed, The Wolf Pack had arrived to do some preliminary recording in-house before we farmed out the bulk of the job to a recording studio. She dragged me down to Studio B to approach the band about one of them attending the big soiree. They looked about as thrilled as I was at the prospect. Rose pinpointed lead singer Sam as the obvious choice to represent the band, and our company. He quickly begged off, saying that he had a prior commitment for his girlfriend’s birthday back home.
“Well, I want one of you to accompany Bella to this thing. What about you, Jake?” she suggested.
I wanted to sink under the recording console, or punch Rose in the jaw. Since neither was a viable option, I simply stood there smiling weakly, trying to avoid Jake’s raised eyebrows and toothy, pleased grin.
“I’d be happy to accompany Bella to the ball,“ he announced with a laugh. “Are you going to be wearing glass slippers and the whole nine yards to this gig?” His eyes twinkled at me mischievously. “Do I have to wear a tux?” he suddenly added, his smile fading.
“I think a nice suit and tie will suffice,” Rose told him. “Just think of it as an opportunity to reach a new audience instead of a boring obligation.”
“Sure, no problem,” Jake snorted. “Maybe I can sit in with the orchestra for awhile and give ‘em a little up-tempo backbeat. Or teach ‘em the chords to ‘Three Strikes,’” he added, referring to one of the band’s original songs. The guys all guffawed over the idea.
“Okay, that’s settled,” Rose said with satisfaction. “You two can work out the details later. In the meantime, we’ll leave you all to tap the creative muse. Barry will help you with that,” she smiled at the engineer as she motioned for me to follow her out the door.
“Thanks a lot, Rose,” I huffed as we retreated down the hall back to our offices. “Jake already has funny ideas about us. Now he’ll think this is a real date or something.”
“Is that so bad?” she countered in between the staccato clip-clop of her heels down the tiled hallway. My comfy espadrilles padded silently alongside her.
“Yes, it is,” I complained. “I’ve been trying to discourage him, especially now that we’re working together. It’s a recipe for disaster.”
“Spoken like, oh, I don’t know, Edward Cullen?” she shot back. “Maybe you should give the kid a chance if Edward’s not willing to play ball.”
“But I don’t have those kinds of feelings for Jake. And I can’t believe you’d encourage such a thing anyway.”
“I’m not,” she sighed as we neared her office. “I just think you should keep your options open. You can always remind Jake that the date is for work purposes only, but Edward doesn’t have to know that. You can play the jealousy card with him. It’s a win-win.”
“I’m starting to think you’re seriously deranged,” I told her, then realized she was still my boss, regardless of the crazy schemes she was dragging me into. “I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course,” I added grudgingly.
She only laughed. “Stop worrying so much. I have the feeling everything’s going to work out just fine.”
“What makes you think that?” I could only see probable disaster looming ahead.
“Just a hunch. I have a good feeling about next weekend. You’ll see,” she smiled knowingly. She reminded me of Alice Cullen at that moment, seemingly sage while endorsing a patently ridiculous idea. She disappeared into her office, ending our discussion for the moment. I headed back to my own and tried to concentrate on the pile of work waiting for me.
The afternoon was no better. Twice during breaks in recording, Jake came to my office to discuss our “date.” He wondered what he should wear, when the shindig started, how long it would take to drive there, and what time he should come pick me up. I felt like saying, “How the hell should I know? Ask Rosalie, since she’s the one dragging us all against our will.” Instead I tried to be nice and polite and noncommittal. I reminded Jake that this was only a work function. His words assured me he knew that; his expression said otherwise. The apprehension twisting my stomach muscles only grew.
Today they were in knots. All I could think about was seeing Edward later, regardless of the barrage of work-related chaos that demanded my attention. Rose was going crazy booking more appointments for the two of us: spa treatments, manicures and pedicures, hair appointments; and certainly not least of all, shopping for dresses and shoes. By the time I left work, she had my next two Saturdays jammed full of ridiculous frou-frou rituals in preparation for the Cullen fiesta. I might have gotten caught up in the spirit of it all if it weren’t for Jake chiming in throughout the day again, talking about borrowing a suit from Quil, who had been in his sister’s wedding last year. To my surprise, he sounded nearly as excited about all the excruciating details of this upscale party as Rose was. All I could get excited about was seeing Edward again. It had only been three days, but it seemed like weeks.
I practically raced out of the building to get to Emmett’s appointment. My nerves were dancing frantically by the time I rushed through the front door of Cullen and Cullen, PC. Jessica looked up at my flushed face and smiled broadly.
“No need to hurry. Emmett is still finishing up with a patient. You want to go sit in the massage chair for a little longer today?” she offered.
I let out a ragged sigh. “Yeah, that would be great,” I agreed. Maybe the extra time in the heated, automated massager would relax me a bit. I tried to think calming thoughts about lying on a sandy, sunny beach, listening to the waves; but inevitably Edward showed up in this scenario, bare-chested and squinting in the sun, laughing and teasing me and throwing me in the ocean, then falling upon me and kissing me. That scene quickly dissolved into an X-rated version of “From Here To Eternity,” sending my heart rate skyrocketing again.
Thankfully Emmett was free before I had any more time to fantasize. His amiable smile put me at ease as it always did. I wondered why he was always such a calming influence on me, when his brother had the power to send me into a tizzy in so many different ways.
“How are you feeling?” he asked as he ushered me into his office. “Any trouble with your back?”
“No, not at all,” I replied honestly. “The only trouble I have right now is work stress. The chair helped though,” I fibbed.
“Rose said it’s been pretty busy. Of course, knowing her, she’s creating half of your stress just by being so wound up herself.” Two weeks and Emmett already had Rosalie Hale figured out. Impressive.
He looked me up and down and said, “Well, I don’t see anything wildly out of place. Let’s get you on the table and check you out.”
He worked a bit on my back, but performed very few adjustments compared to what he usually did. I asked him if that was because I was improving.
“It is,” he confirmed as he raised the hydraulic table so that I could step off of it. “Things are staying in place much better than they were. I think you’re ready to go at least two weeks, maybe three, without seeing me.”
“Really?” I asked. My wallet was breathing a sigh of relief at the news, but the rest of me wasn’t so sure. I wondered if Edward would be telling me the same thing soon. I already disliked the idea of him cutting back on our therapy, even though I knew that day would eventually come.
“Yes, I think you’re ready. Ideally I want to gradually lessen the frequency of your treatments until they’re about every three months. If you keep progressing like this, it should happen in no time,” he smiled.
“Wow. That’s cool, I guess,” I said uncertainly.
He chuckled and shook his head. “Most patients would be jumping up and down at that news, you know.”
“I know. But I don’t mind coming to see you. I always feel better when you’re done working on me,” I told him truthfully.
“That’s nice to hear. That’s the whole point. But you shouldn’t need to have me manipulate you so often. We want to get you stable. Edward will continue to help you with that.”
“Right,” I sighed in relief. “I’m counting on that.”
He made some notes in my file and then said, “I hear you and some of your co-workers are coming to our fund raiser next weekend. I know it sounds like kind of a drag, but it can be fun. We’ll try our best to make it that way, anyway.”
“We?” I asked hopefully.
“Me, Edward and Alice. We’re all required to be there or we get cut off from our inheritance.” He studied my tense expression a moment. “That was a joke, by the way.”
“Oh, sorry,” I replied sheepishly. All I had heard was that Edward would definitely be there. “I’m sure it’ll be great.”
“I’ll make sure we all get seated at a big table together so we can talk about the snoots behind their backs,” he grinned conspiratorially. I liked how he said that as if he and his well-to-do siblings weren’t “snoots” themselves.
“Sounds like fun,” I laughed. “It’s an honor to be included, so thanks for getting us tickets.”
“No thanks necessary. It’s for a good cause. My aunt died of a heart attack at fifty-three a decade ago, and my mom and uncle have held this annual AHA fund raiser ever since. We appreciate when any company wants to contribute, so our thanks goes to Java Noise too.”
I nodded and picked up my purse, ready to go give Jessica my co-pay. My heart began pounding rapidly as Emmett and I said our good-byes and I headed to the front counter. After I gave Jessica my check, she announced that Edward wanted to see me in his office a moment. She looked blithely unsuspecting as she escorted me back down the hallway to the closed door and gave it a couple of raps. Then she smiled and left me standing there as she made her way back to the front.
The blood rushed through my ears in quick, rhythmic spurts as I waited. Why was I so nervous? Maybe because so much seemed to be riding on this meeting, and I wasn’t even sure why.
The door opened, and there he was, knocking the wind out of me again just by existing. His lab coat was gone, revealing a white button-down shirt with the sleeves casually rolled up, and deep gray, close-fitting slacks that revealed the long, slender line of his legs. He pushed his glasses up his nose and I stared into his glorious, troubled face. This gorgeous man was as nervous as I was. He was nervous over me. I still had trouble wrapping my mind around the concept.
He told me I looked great as he ushered me in and pulled up a chair. I sat down and folded my hands to keep them from reaching out to touch him. I was pretty sure we wouldn’t get anywhere if I threw myself on his lap and begged him to kiss me. Although maybe words were overrated. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to put the right ones together anyway.
He asked how I was, and I rambled some long, incoherent answer about work and the band. I wondered if I was visibly shaking, or if that was just on the inside. He said he’d been hanging out with Jasper’s band. I told him I’d like to hear them sometime. Then we stared uncomfortably at each other, and I wondered which of us would break first.
He did. He sighed and rubbed his legs, making me want to touch him again; and then he said he didn’t want things to be awkward between us. I felt the breath hastily leave my lungs, hoping he didn’t hear the shakiness that finally escaped. I told him that I didn’t want things to be awkward between us, either, and that was why I had been upset that he left the way he did. I just didn’t want him to shut me out again.
He apologized and said that he had panicked because it felt like too much was happening too soon. So he does regret what happened between us, I thought. I felt anxiety gnaw at my stomach again, exactly the way it had Sunday morning. It abated slightly when he told me he didn’t want to let the fear win anymore. He wanted to start over and do things right with me. He said he didn’t want to blow it this time.
I tried to assure him he didn’t blow it. I told him we didn’t have to start over; that we could just continue where we left off. How could we go back to the beginning when so much had been said and done? Granted, it had happened quickly, but to me there was no point in trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube, so to speak.
And then I realized that maybe he didn’t really remember what had happened. I had always known it was probable that he’d have no recollection of the things he’d said to me; the way he had begged me, “Let me love you.” But it still hurt when he assured me that our relationship wasn’t just about sex, because that confirmed my fears: the sex was all he remembered.
Of course, he insisted that he did recall everything about that night, but I doubted that was true. He kept talking about going back because we “missed a few steps somewhere.” He wanted to do things the “right way.” I tried to tell him that there was no right or wrong way; and why didn’t we just do things our way? But he had to go and apologize yet again for “performing a questionable sex act on a girl he really likes and respects.” It hadn’t felt cheap or tawdry at the time he performed it, but when he put it that way, it suddenly did now.
I knew I should have been elated that he was essentially telling me he wanted to date me. He was trying to be a gentleman and do things the old-fashioned way--the “right” way, in his mind. Why couldn’t he understand that I didn’t care about right or wrong-- I just wanted to be close to him? Having him pick me up for some formal date felt like going backwards. I knew that was silly, because he was right; technically we had skipped directly from a casual afternoon date to an evening of drunken sex. But we had talked and shared so many things in the short time that we’d known each other that I already felt closer to him than I had Mike in the entire time we were together. The strong connection I’d felt with Edward the first time I saw him perform had only grown deeper in the past few weeks. I simply couldn’t put my feelings for him in the context of casual dating anymore. I realized that I was ready for “too much, too soon”…and Edward wasn’t.
That’s when he introduced his plan for “making it up to me:” he wanted to take me to the Black and Red Ball. Now he asks me, was all I could think. Now that I already had a commitment to attend with my colleagues; now that Jake was getting his buddy’s suit altered so he could escort me. My face felt like it was on fire as I tried to explain. I watched Edward’s expression grow harder when he realized that I would essentially be going with Jake. I was reminded of that caged-lion look he’d had the first day I met him, across the hall in his massage room. I finally reached out to calm him, putting my hand on his knee as I begged him to understand that this was business, and that I would give anything to be there with him instead. Surely he had to know that. How many times did I have to tell him that he was the one I wanted before he’d believe it?
His tone was snide as he asked if I had planned to just show up and surprise him. How dare he, when he’d never even mentioned his family’s gala before now? I reminded him that it wasn’t like he had asked me to go with him, and for all I knew he was taking Kate or something. Her name just popped out of my mouth; a sore spot that I could never seem to quit poking to see if it still hurt me.
That’s when he blindsided me. At first he didn’t even realize what he’d blurted: that she would be treating me from now on. The Barbie Denali. The living, breathing antithesis of myself; the inadvertent trigger of every self-conscious insecurity I’d ever had. Confusion and panic fought for supremacy inside me. It didn’t even make sense to me at first. She was a massage therapist, too? I didn’t want that woman touching me, ever. And I didn’t want Edward to stop.
I could feel senseless tears coming before he even had a chance to go into his spiel about how he couldn’t treat me after everything that had happened between us. I had no choice but to tell him the naked truth: that he was the one who knew me, who knew my body; he was the only one I wanted touching me. I didn’t even know if I was talking about the therapy anymore. All I knew is that I didn’t want him to take his healing touch away from me. He and Emmett had helped me more than anyone ever before, and I couldn’t afford to lose that. The panic began to take over, wild and irrational. I didn’t want to hear any more of his excuses about conflicts of interest or legalities. Almost without conscious thought, my tongue lashed out, sharp and precise, and cut him off at the knees.
“But you’re not a doctor.”
The words reverberated in my head, strangely distant, like shrapnel bouncing off of a far-away target. I knew they would pierce his Achilles heel, and I was slow to claim them afterward. But there was no mistaking that they had shot from my lips. I knew I should apologize, but now that I needed them, the words refused to come. As Edward handed me Kate’s business card, with our usual Saturday, ten o’clock a.m. appointment time written neatly on it, I no longer wanted to apologize. I only wanted to cry, and leave, not necessarily in that order. I stared at the card and couldn’t help but feel completely abandoned in that moment.
When I got up to go, he tried to coax me to stay. He apologized about not asking me to the Black and Red Ball sooner; he tried to take me to dinner. I lied and told him I was meeting Angela. I knew I was pushing away the one thing I wanted most with both hands when I refused him. But I suddenly understood why he wanted to move more slowly, and go back somehow. Our utter lack of communication since I’d walked through the door spelled out quite clearly what I hadn’t wanted to see before: I didn’t know Edward as well as I thought, and it seemed he didn’t know me, either. Maybe a little breathing room was in order. I needed it desperately at the moment. I told him as much, and the pain I saw in his eyes cut me to the quick. We knew each other well enough to hurt one another, that much was certain. Whether we know how to heal and get past those hurts remains to be seen.
I tried not to cry during the ride home. It’s too dangerous to drive when you can’t see the road through your tears. But once I got here, I let them flow freely. I knew I was being foolish about Edward referring me to Kate, and I’m sure Edward didn’t understand my reaction at all. I’m not sure I understand it myself. All I know is that I was finally starting to feel okay again. Not just my back, but me. Dealing with the past. Letting go of some of the pain and survivor guilt. Letting go of you. But now I feel like I’m twisting in the wind, with nothing and no one to hang onto anymore.
I’m waiting for Angela to come home, because I know she’ll be able to calm me down and talk some sense into me. It’s not often that I lose it like this, but when I do, she’s the one person who can make me feel better, outside of you. And since you can’t give me those great mama-bear hugs anymore, I have to make do.
I haven’t decided what to do about the appointment with Kate. Right now, the thought of letting anyone but Edward put their hands on me makes my skin crawl. But my niggling curiosity about that woman, and her relationship with him, is nagging at me worse than ever. Maybe by Saturday I’ll be strong enough to show up for the appointment. What’s the worst that could happen? I can always leave. Lord knows if I’m there too long, Rose will be at the door with a stopwatch and a baseball bat, dragging me out to commence shopping for dresses.
Compared to that, a massage session with Katrina Denali might not be so bad after all.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Massage Therapy - Stakes, part 2
Edward Cullen’s Little Black Notebook
Monday, August 9
“You left.”
Two simple words. Yet the accusation implied in my sister’s judgmental tone and glare made it sound like my actions were worthy of the guillotine.
“I know, I know. I should have stayed and cuddled and all that bonding morning-after stuff that girls always want,” I sighed. I dipped a French fry in catsup and morosely gnawed on it.
“Don’t make me hit you. I will give you a black eye,” she threatened. She’d done it before, when we were kids. I’d hacked off her Barbie’s hair in retaliation for Alice forcing my GI Joe to attend an imaginary prom with the plastic blonde. I was incensed that a valiant soldier of war like GI Joe had been made to suffer such a frivolous, girly indignity. Alice begged to differ.
“Don’t bother,” I said. “I’ve been beating myself up enough for the both of us.”
“I doubt that,” she contradicted me. Her face softened slightly as she studied my dejected expression. “Were you really that sick?”
“I lost count of how many times I hurled. If I had done that at Bella’s place all day, I would have had to castrate myself and hand my balls to her at the end of it. Seriously. I couldn’t stay there.”
“But you called a cab while she was still asleep? Have Mom and I taught you nothing?” she began, and I feared she would continue the verbal tirade she’d launched during the first half of my cheeseburger. “I mean, you like Bella, right? She’s not just one of your mutual and forgettable one-night stands. Correct me if I’m wrong.”
“You’re not wrong. I tried to tell her that. I called to apologize and I got her voice mail. I haven’t heard back.”
“Hmmm. Well, either she didn’t get the message, or she’s still upset and she’s letting you stew in your own juices. And you deserve to marinate for awhile.”
“Fine. We’ve established that I’m a scumbag. Can we please move on to the redemption phase of this conversation? I’m trying to figure out the best way to make it up to her.”
Alice sucked on her soda straw thoughtfully, her brow furrowed in concentration. “Well, I think the traditional methods of groveling are definitely too cheesy. You know, flowers, mushy cards, Peter Gabriel tunes playing from a boom box held up outside her window,” she grinned. I gave her a withering look before she continued. “Although, you know, studies do show that flowers are the one gift that always make a woman smile. It’s impossible to look a bouquet in the face and not appreciate the beauty of nature.”
I tried to envision Bella’s expression when the florist graced her desk at work with cascades of Gerbera daisies. Would she smile at the bright colors, or sneer at the “please forgive me” card attached?
“Are you seriously suggesting that sending flowers is going to make her stop hating me for walking out on her?”
“Well, I doubt very much that she hates you,” Alice said in rather grudging consolation. “I mean, it sounds like you said all the right things. It’s just that the abrupt actions you took are probably screaming a lot more loudly right now.”
“Okay, fine. Then I need an action to counteract that. Something big. Something impressive.”
“Edward, I think you’re missing the point,” she sighed as she speared some salad on her fork. “I’m sure that all she wants from you is a little bit of honesty. She probably just wants to understand what went wrong, or to know for sure if it really did go that wrong. She’s probably feeling as uncertain about everything as you do.” I was surprised at this bit of advice. It was pretty down-to-earth for a girl who was so fond of grand gestures and epic moments. Maybe Jasper’s low-key sensibility was rubbing off on her.
“Who are you, and what have done with my sister?” I asked suspiciously.
She let out a small laugh. “Here’s the thing: maybe you should listen to that little voice inside you that made you want to escape. Figure out if why it’s telling you to back off, and whether or not you really want to. I think you need to be sure you really want to move ahead with this relationship before you do anything else. I mean, I know what I think you should do, and what I think you ultimately want to do. But if you just blindly charge ahead and then change your mind again, you won’t just be hurting yourself this time. You’ll be hurting Bella, too.”
I stared at Alice, stunned at this newfound clarity of hers. Cautiousness was not in her repertoire--that had become my specialty the past couple of years. So hearing this from her took me by surprise, to say the least.
“I think it may be too late for that. I think maybe I already hurt her. And God knows it’s the last thing I ever wanted to do,” I added quietly, pushing my plate away. I’d lost my already tepid appetite.
“Is it so bad for you to ask her for a little bit of time to think about this? Maybe there’s a reason she never called back. Maybe she feels like she needs a little space herself. Maybe things went too quickly for her, too, and now she’s worried that she’s blown it with you. She may be thinking the opposite of what you assume she’s thinking. Either way, it’s probably not as bad as you presume. You always see the glass half-empty,” she sniffed, taking another sip of her soda.
“Before I left, I told her that I knew we needed to talk, but that I just couldn’t do it that minute. But I’m afraid it sounded like a brush-off.”
“You’ve already apologized for that, even if it was via voicemail,” Alice reminded me. “I know it’s hard, but you may need to just wait it out until she’s in your office again. When’s her next appointment with Emmett?”
“Wednesday afternoon,” I answered. I already knew Bella came every Wednesday, late in the day. I used to make sure I had an appointment scheduled then, so I could avoid the temptation of seeing her. This week, I made sure I’d be available.
“So take a couple of days to figure out what you really want to say. That way you won’t jerk her around anymore, no matter what you decide.”
I studied my baby sister through narrowed eyes. I felt like I was watching her mature right in front my eyes. It was a bit of a revelation. I was now realizing how much I relied on her youthful optimism to pull me out of my deep abysses. Obviously, it was time for me to grow up, too. Way past time.
“I have to say, I’m impressed,” I told her as I drained my iced tea. “I was completely ready to pull any crazy stunt you suggested to get Bella back, no matter how humiliating it might be. You just missed a golden opportunity.”
She grinned and shrugged. “Eh, what I just told you may have been a bunch of hooey. Maybe I was just buying time so I could think of something outrageous,” she winked.
I laughed, pretty sure she was joking, but not entirely. I waited and watched the wheels churn in her head for a moment.
“Ooh! I know. You want a big gesture? You can’t get much bigger than Mom’s party next weekend!” she suddenly exclaimed.
I stared at her blankly before I realized what she was talking about. “You mean the Black and Red Ball? You want me to ask Bella to a boring fund raiser?” I had forgotten that the date was fast approaching. Ever since Mom’s older sister died prematurely of heart disease a decade ago, Mom and her brother Bill have hosted an annual dinner to raise money for Go Red For Women. Because February weather is so unpredictable, they usually schedule the party in late summer at Uncle Bill’s estate in The Highlands. It’s a very elegant affair, with plenty of Seattle’s elite in attendance. Most of them probably come so they can nose around the old family estate while enjoying an outdoor dinner and dance in its expansive gardens overlooking the Sound.
I’d always disliked the event because I had to wear a suit and tie and be on my best behavior all night. Besides, it always made me miss the times I’d spent at Aunt Jeanne’s place, listening to her awesome music collection. Most of my records had been hers. It made me laugh that Mom and Uncle Bill had come up with such a highbrow event to honor a woman who was so laid-back. Mom always reminded me that it was about raising money to save other women like Jeanne, and catering to Seattle’s deepest pockets was the best way to go about it.
“It’s only boring to us because we’ve had to do this every year since we were kids,” Alice argued. “To most people, it’s an opportunity to have a fancy dinner in a gorgeous setting, and contribute to a good cause in the process. I’ll bet Bella would love to come with you.”
“You think so?” I asked skeptically. The girl had told me she didn’t own a pair of high heels. She lived in t-shirts and jeans. She reminded me a lot of Aunt Jeanne, actually.
“You won’t know unless you ask. It’s a thought, anyway. At least you’d have fun for a change if she were there. And for once, you’d be bringing a date that Mom and Dad would actually approve of.”
“Nice. Thanks,” I said sourly. But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if Alice wasn’t crazy like a fox. Even if Bella didn’t want to go, maybe she’d appreciate the gesture. After all, it was for a good cause. And the garden maze would certainly be fun to explore with her. In fact, there were a couple of secret spots where we could sneak away from the party entirely and make one of our own.
What the hell was I thinking, imagining such a thing? Wasn’t one taboo sex act enough without adding outdoor fornication to the list?
My cell phone vibrated in my pants, and for a second I wondered if my errant dick had set it off. I pulled out the phone and was shocked to see a text message from Bella’s number.
Hi Edward--sorry I missed your call last night; must have been in the shower. Didn’t hear your message until just now. Please stop apologizing for the weekend. I know you didn’t feel well yesterday. It’s fine. We can talk Wednesday after my app’t. w/Emmett. ~Bella
A dozen different thoughts duked it out in my mind at once. Thank God, she’s not mad. She was in the shower. She wants to talk on Wednesday. Damn… Bella in the shower. Why doesn’t she want to talk sooner? Maybe Alice is right and she wants some time to think, too. Mmm, Bella showering….. Why did she text instead of call? Maybe she’s afraid to talk to me. Why? Does she use a washcloth or one of those nylon loofah things? Why didn’t I look in her shower when I had the chance?
“Edward, what is it? Is something wrong?” Alice’s voice interrupted my mental breakdown.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, passing her the phone. She read the message, keeping her face carefully composed.
“She wants to talk to you. That’s good, right?”
I eyed her skeptically. “You don’t sound convinced.”
“Well… she did text instead of calling. And she agreed to talk to you, but two days from now. So I’d say you’re not out of the woods yet. But you will be, I’m sure of it,” she ended with forced cheer.
“That’s it, I’m sending her flowers,” I announced as the waitress dropped our bill on the table.
“It can’t hurt,” Alice agreed, giving me a somewhat sympathetic look as we rose from the table. I fished out enough money for the bill and a tip while she pronounced me “the best big brother ever.”
“No, just the biggest pushover,” I smiled.
“Don’t worry, I’ll figure out a way to pay you back,” she grinned mischievously. I wasn’t sure I liked that look. “You know, Edward, if you think about it long enough, I’m sure you’ll know exactly what to do to make it up to Bella.”
“You think so, huh?” I asked dubiously as she walked me back to Cullen and Cullen PC.
“I have faith in you,” she said, reaching up and giving me a peck on the cheek before I went inside.
“Glad someone does,” I muttered to myself as I entered the office.
My next client hadn’t arrived yet, so I made a quick call to the closest flower shop and ordered two dozen Gerbera daisies to be sent to Bella at Java Noise. I felt like a bit of a moron doing it, but I decided some sort of peace offering couldn’t hurt, no matter how clichĂ©d. When the florist asked me what to put on the card, I told them simply, “Looking forward to Wednesday.” Bella did tell me to stop apologizing, after all.
I spent the rest of the afternoon waiting. After each appointment, I would check my phone, hoping to hear some kind of confirmation that she’d received the flowers. Twice I was disappointed. Finally, after my third appointment, I was greeted with the following:
Gerberas - my favorites. You remembered. They’re beautiful, thank you. Looking forward to Wednesday, too.
A bit of blessed relief filtered through my body. She didn’t seem mad. Maybe the flower idea wasn’t as lame as I’d feared. I quickly texted back.
Of course I remembered. I’m glad you like them. But I’m sure they pale in comparison to their recipient.
Too much? Maybe. I hit “send” anyway.
Her reply arrived before my next client did.
Very smooth, Mr. Cullen. You always know the right thing to say.
I snorted out loud at that. I replied: I wish that were true.
Jessica poked her head through the door to inform me my next client was here. My phone vibrated in my hand and I stole a look at the Bella’s answer.
You hit the mark more often than you realize. See you Wednesday.
I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face as I put my phone away. I didn’t need two days to think about it. If I still had a chance with Bella, I wasn’t going to blow it. I would do whatever took to get it right this time.
Wednesday, August 11
I wish cats could talk.
Lucky is currently staring me down with this superior expression on his face that makes him appear as if his tiny brain contains all the secrets of the universe. If it does, I wish to God he’d clue me in.
The past forty-eight hours leading up to seeing Bella were interminable. The clock was an enemy whose face became aggravatingly familiar as the minutes marched slowly by. Each massage appointment seemed to drag on forever, but at least I was occupied while I was at work. When the night fell, I begged Jasper to bring his band over to practice, or let me crash their rehearsals. Thankfully, he was game to keep me from losing my marbles. Monday night I hung out in his drummer’s garage, listening to the trio try to work out a tricky bridge in the middle of one of their original numbers. Last night they hauled their gear over to my place and jammed for awhile on the ground floor, even letting me improvise on a few numbers. They loved the acoustics in the old mill, so I know they’ll be back, thank God. Maybe they’d like to come back tonight. I should call Jasper right now.
Or maybe I should try to figure out what the hell just happened.
My last client left shortly after 4 p.m. Bella was already in Emmett’s office for her chiropractic work. I went out to the front desk to tell Jessica that I needed to see Miss Swan for a moment before she left, and to show her back to my office. Bella had never actually been in my office, because I really only use it to finish up paperwork and take care of some of the more mundane tasks in between massage sessions.
And now, I paced. I tried to actually accomplish something at the computer, or with my files, or even just rearrange my desk; but I could concentrate on nothing. So I paced. And I sweated. And I couldn’t believe how nervous I was, nor how badly I wanted to see Bella. She hadn’t left my mind since Sunday, but even my most vivid fantasies came nowhere close to the real thing. I needed to see her. More than that, I wanted to touch her, smell her, taste her. Remembrances of Saturday evening kept coming back to me, splicing themselves together like reels of film in my booze-ravaged brain, creating a more linear moving picture of everything that had transpired between us. Reminding me just how amazing she was, and how lucky I’d been that she’d let me paw her and devour her over and over like some kind of insatiable animal in heat. I wanted to do it again. And I wanted her to do the same to me.
Shit. Stop it. Stop thinking with your dick before she walks in this room, my humanity demanded. I took deep, cleansing breaths and tried to tame the beast.
And then she knocked on my door, and every urge I had retreated under the blanket of anxiety that enveloped me. I took another deep breath and tried to calm down as I headed for the door. I reminded myself that I had a plan, and I’d already put it in motion. This morning I had arranged for Katrina to start treating Bella so that I could no longer use ethics as an excuse to keep her at arm’s length. I was going to be the kind of man she deserved. And I was going to start by asking her on a formal date. I figured it didn’t get much more formal than my family’s Black and Red Ball.
I opened the door to see her standing there alone, the sound of Jessica’s heels clicking down the tiled hallway behind her as she returned to the reception area. I found myself inhaling again sharply at the sight of Bella still in her work clothes, a surprisingly feminine cotton blouse and slacks. I had figured that at an indie label, the dress code was probably shredded denims and a concert tee. Then again, knowing Rosalie Hale, maybe she required her assistant to be a little more professionally attired. Bella’s hair was pulled back into a sleek ponytail, even my favorite errant lock tamed and put in its place. I found that a little disconcerting.
But then the chocolate drops gazed up at me and drew my full attention: heart-breakingly beautiful, and every bit as anxious as mine. I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her, but I felt awkwardly frozen to the spot.
“Hi,” I finally breathed, somehow finding my tongue. “You look great. Come in.” I managed to step back and beckon her into the room.
“Thanks,” she said, blushing slightly. Her eyes swept the small room for a moment, then settled on the two chairs in front of my desk.
“Have a seat,” I offered, pulling out one of the chairs for her. As she sat down, I grabbed the other chair and turned it to face hers, sitting directly opposite her. Our knees were nearly touching. She folded her hands tightly in her lap and stared cautiously up at me.
“How are you?” I asked her.
“I’m fine,” she said quickly. “Good. It’s been really busy at work, getting the band signed, helping them find good representation, starting the pre-recording process, figuring out which studio to use….” Her ramble trailed off as she bit her lip. “There’s a lot to do. How about you?”
“I’ve been keeping busy,” I replied. “Jasper’s band has started rehearsing in my building downstairs, so that’s been kind of fun.”
“Really? That’s cool. I’d like to hear them sometime.” Her smile was polite, reserved.
I sighed and rubbed my hands up and down my thighs. “Why is this so awkward? I don’t want this to be awkward. I want things to be okay between us.” I searched her eyes for some reassurance.
Her answering sigh sounded like one of relief. “I want that too. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. That’s why it bothered me when you left like that. It felt like you were shutting me out again.”
“I’m sorry. I know that’s what I was doing, and it was a knee-jerk reaction. I haven’t let myself get close to someone in awhile, and all of a sudden it just felt like too much, too soon. Like we were moving too fast. I guess I panicked. It was stupid, and thoughtless, and I’m sorry.” I couldn’t stop the words, and the apology, once they started spilling out.
She still looked a little troubled. “So… how do you feel now?”
I let the Hershey’s syrup surround me as I looked deeply into her eyes. If I was going to drown, this was the perfect place to do it.
“I feel like I don’t want to let the panic win anymore. Like I don’t want to be so careless trying to protect myself that I hurt other people in the process.”
She nodded but was silent, waiting for more. I took a deep breath.
“I’d like the chance to start over with you. To do things right this time. You know, actually ask you out on a proper date, take you someplace nice, treat you the way you deserve to be treated.” Her slowly growing smile gave me some long-awaited comfort. “I don’t want to blow it this time with you,” I finished.
She shook her head, her smile wry. “You didn’t blow it, Edward. We don’t have to start over completely. I kind of like where we are now, getting to the middle of things.”
“Yeah?” I replied uncertainly. “But we went from our first kiss to… some pretty heavy stuff, in about twelve hours’ time. I don’t want you think this is all about sex for me. You mean more to me than that. I want this to be more.”
She still looked curiously perturbed, and I couldn’t quite figure out why. Wasn’t this the kind of stuff girls wanted to hear? Unless she didn’t feel the same way about me….
“I never thought it was just about sex. That’s not how it seemed to me. I guess you really don’t remember our weekend very well,” she said. The tiny line would not leave the middle of her brows. I had to figure out a way to erase it.
“I do remember,” I insisted, then faltered at the look on her face. “I’m pretty sure I do. A lot of it was really wonderful. But I feel like we missed a few steps somewhere over the past few weeks. I just want to do this the right way.” I couldn’t seem to find the right words to tell her that she was more than a one-night stand to me, and that I wanted what we had to grow into something strong and lasting.
“Maybe there is no right or wrong way,” she suggested. “Maybe we can just do things our way.”
I looked at her in surprise. She must be the most understanding girl alive, I thought.
“That sounds very wise,” I agreed. “But just to be clear, getting bombed and performing questionable sex acts on a girl I really like and respect is not my idea of the right way to do things,” I asserted, feeling the need to set the record straight.
The line deepened between her eyebrows, which was not the reaction I was hoping for.
“So what is the right way to do things, in your opinion?” she asked. I suddenly felt like this was a test. I hoped my answer would let me pass with flying colors.
“Well, I’d like to make all of that up to you, if you’ll let me,” I began.
“You already sent me flowers, and that was more than enough. They’re gorgeous,” she interrupted.
“Not too cheesy?”
“No! I told you I love Gerberas. I can’t help but smile every time I look at them.” Damn that Alice, she knows her stuff.
“Well, I’m glad. But I had something a little bigger in mind. I’d like to ask you on a formal date. And when I say ‘formal,’ I mean that literally. My family hosts a big fund-raising dinner every year for the American Heart Association, which doesn’t sound like much fun, but it’s actually a pretty cool evening.”
“The Black and Red Ball?” she asked, her tone oddly hesitant.
“Yeah, you’ve heard of it? It’s kind of a big society event, I guess. I know you may not think of that as your kind of party, but it’s actually pretty nice, with a really excellent dinner and a formal dance afterwards with an orchestra and a band. It sounds kind of stuffy, I’m guess, but my Uncle Bill’s estate is really beautiful, and there’s a huge garden maze that we could escape to if it gets too boring.” Way to undersell it, Cullen. I halted and studied her face, but I couldn’t understand her expression of faint dread.
“Anyway, it’s a week from this Saturday. I’d be honored if you would be my date this year. I’d love to introduce you to my mom. I think you two would really hit it off.” That last bit kind of shocked me when it popped out of my mouth. But now that it was out there, I didn’t want to take it back. If Bella hadn’t thought I was serious before, she surely did now.
Her face looked unusually pale and her eyes shifted around uncomfortably. God, what did I do now? Was the idea of meeting the mom too much? Were we doomed to keep scaring each other to death before we ever got this relationship off the ground?
“Wow,” she finally said, her voice still hushed. She let out a humorless laugh. “I would love to attend the Black and Red Ball with you… but… I’m already going with someone.”
I stared at her, uncomprehending. Surely I hadn’t heard that last part right.
“Um… you’re already going? But that’s impossible. It’s extremely hard to get tickets. They’re very pricey and exclusive. I should know,” I said. I felt like I was boring holes through her with my disbelieving gaze.
“That’s the funny thing--the tickets actually came from your brother,” she said with a slightly hysterical chuckle. She looked horribly uncomfortable, and at the moment, I couldn’t seem to feel too bad about that.
“My brother,” I repeated in a none-too-happy tone.
She cleared her throat. “He invited Rosalie to be his date, and when she found out what the cause was, she asked him about the possibility of Java Noise buying a table at the event so that several of our employees could attend. She thought it would be a great opportunity to get the label some exposure and ‘hobnob with some of Seattle’s movers and shakers,’ as she put it,” Bella explained. At least she seemed as unhappy to tell me this as I was to hear it.
I began to put the puzzle pieces together, and I didn’t like the picture that was appearing. “So Emmett arranged for your company to purchase a table. Good PR, tax write-off… I get it. Do I need to ask you who’s going to be representing your label?” If she said his name, I was going to lose it. I’d have to keep myself from losing it somehow. I could feel my hands forming fists as I shoved them under my thighs.
She swallowed hard, her cheeks growing pink. “The president of the company, of course, and his wife; our A&R VP and his wife; and me, as Rosalie’s assistant, along with a member of our latest acquisition, to represent the talent.” Her eyes were pleading now. She didn’t want to say his name any more than I wanted to hear it. So why did I force her?
“Of course. Sam Uley would be the obvious choice, right?” I needled her. I couldn’t stop myself. The realization of what was happening was too galling to take it lying down.
Her face was scarlet now. “It would be, except that he’ll be back home visiting his girlfriend Emily for her birthday,” she explained. I wondered if my face looked as rigid as it felt while I tried to keep my composure. I could feel my nostrils flaring like a stallion’s. The thought of her on Jacob Black’s arm all night at the ten-year anniversary of my aunt’s memorial dinner made my blood boil so hot I was sure there must be steam coming out of my ears.
“Edward, please,” Bella entreated, leaning forward and placing her hand on my knee. This first touch from her since our last time together was like a flame-thrower engulfing my thigh. “You know this is nothing but business. You know I would give anything to be there with you instead.”
I was fairly certain of that, especially given the frightened look in her eyes right now.
“Were you going to tell me about this? Or were you just going to show up and surprise me?” I asked, failing to keep the bitterness from my tone. I knew she probably got railroaded into the whole affair by Rosalie, but I still couldn’t keep my irrational resentment of Jacob Black from seeping out around the edges.
Bella leaned back, freeing my knee from her warm grip. “Well, it’s not like you asked me. You didn’t even tell me about this family party of yours. For all I know, you already have another date,” she accused.
I wish I had a picture of the stupefied look on my face at that moment, because I truly couldn’t believe what I had just heard fall from Bella’s lips.
“How the hell could you even think that?” I demanded.
“You could have asked someone before we even met,” she clarified. “How was I supposed to know you weren’t already going with Kate or something?”
I let out a derisive laugh at the absurdity of the idea. “You’ve really got to get over this weird phobia you have about Katrina, especially if she’s going to be treating you from now on. We met in massage therapy school, she’s a good friend of mine, and that’s it. End of story.”
Bella’s eyes were huge, incredulous black holes as she gaped at me. “What did you just say?” she whispered, her voice trembling with what sounded like rage.
I desperately tried to remember the words I’d just uttered in the heat of the moment. “We’re just friends, Bella. That’s all it will ever be,” I tried to assure her.
“No. The part about Kate treating me from now on,” she said in a low, shaky tenor.
Shit. This was not how I had planned to break that bit of news to her. I suddenly found myself in the defensive position.
I took a deep breath and said, “I arranged for you to start seeing her for your therapy. Surely you understand that I can’t keep treating you, after everything that’s happened between us.”
Her head shook violently from side to side. “No, I don’t, actually. All I understand is that you’ve helped me when no one else could.” Her eyes quickly lost their anger and were beseeching instead. “You know me, Edward. You know my body, and what I need. I don’t want anyone else touching me but you,” she whispered plaintively.
Were we still talking about massage therapy? As I sank into the dark pools staring up at me, I could think only of making love to her again, worshipping her with my hands and my mouth and my body. I didn’t know if that was what she was getting at; if that was what she really wanted. But I did know it was pure folly to confuse it with my vocation.
“Bella,” I said hoarsely, reaching tentatively toward her face. I wanted to brush my favorite lock of hair out of her face, but it was nowhere to be found. My thumb stroked her bare cheek gently. “Please try to understand. I have to separate this from work from now on. I can’t do it any other way. It’s too hard for me.”
She shook her head again in refusal, her face scrunching up pitifully. I knew tears would be falling soon. I couldn’t take it. “You’ve already admitted yourself what a bad idea it is to mix your personal life with business. If I were a doctor, it would be illegal for me to treat you. You know that.”
“But you’re not a doctor,” she said matter-of-factly.
My hand froze in place, then dropped away and came to rest on my lap. She knew how that well-placed barb would sting. We stared at each other a moment, a sad resignation settling over us. It was the empty victory of the moment when you know someone well enough to hurt them, and you do it deliberately. We had just taken our first intentional shots at each other. It was another milestone in our relationship; another that was reached too soon.
I finally tore my eyes from hers and reached over to my desk, retrieving Katrina’s card from where I’d placed it. I had planned to give it to Bella after delivering the good news that we could see each other freely and openly now because my professional obligations to her would be coming to an end.
“Please, Bella,” I implored her as I handed her the appointment card. “Don’t compromise your treatment because of anything that’s happened between us. You’re getting to the point where you won’t need to see a massage therapist regularly anymore, anyway. And Katrina is excellent at what she does. I hope you’ll give her a chance.”
Bella took the card from me and looked at it a moment. I tried to read the expression on her face, but could come up with nothing to call it except “extremely upset.”
“All right,” she said quietly. She reached for the small handbag that still hung over one arm and placed the card inside. She rose from her chair, and a wave of panic rolled through my gut.
“Don’t leave,” I begged, jumping to my feet. “I’m sorry I flew off the handle about the Black and Red Ball. It’s not your fault that I didn’t ask you sooner. It came up a lot faster than I realized.”
“It’s okay,” she replied. “I really didn’t want to go, especially if it might lead Jake on. Believe it or not, I do care about sparing his feelings. But Rosalie can be pretty persuasive when she wants to be. And, well, she is my boss.”
“I know. It’s fine. It’ll be fine. Maybe I can cut in for a dance or two,” I tried to joke.
She gave me a rather pained smile.
“Can I take you to dinner or something?” I asked, desperate to keep her from leaving.
“I’m already meeting Angela for dinner, actually,” she said. She looked down a moment, then took a deep breath before lifting her eyes to mine. “You know, Edward, I think you might have been right about us missing a few steps… going too fast. Maybe we should slow down; take a little time to think about things.”
My eyes closed; my heart sank. I should have known that my bright ideas would come back to bite me in the ass.
“What are you saying?” I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.
“Maybe we should take a little break. See how we feel about everything the next time we see each other.” She didn’t sound convinced of her suggestion.
“And when would that be?” You really are a glutton for punishment, Cullen.
“Well, since I won’t be seeing you for massage therapy anymore, then I guess that would be at the ball,” she replied.
Touche, Miss Swan.
I nodded and said simply, “I look forward to it.”
I looked forward to seeing her with MonkeyBoy all night the way I looked forward to a root canal, I thought grimly as I watched her hurry down the hall from my office. But how could I argue against her desire for some space, when I knew it was probably for the better anyway?
It didn’t mean I had to like it, though.
“What should I do, Lucky?” I just asked the tiny fur-covered swami next to me on the couch. I’ve been half-heartedly scratching and petting him since I dragged my sorry ass home, and even my absent-minded affections have been enough to keep him purring contentedly beside me.
He squinted his eyes a couple of times and purred more loudly, the rumbling noise oddly comforting.
“So you’re saying there’s not much I can do, and that I need to take it in stride,” I offered. He squinted again, and I swear his mouth curved up a little more in feline grin.
“Easy for you to say,” I grunted.
I don’t know how I’m going to stay away from her for ten days. I could barely get through the last three without seeing her. But maybe she’s right--maybe the time apart will bring us some clarity about where we stand with each other. Obviously today’s communication breakdown was a red flag. I need to figure out what went wrong, and how to make it right. Maybe Alice is right, too - if I really think about it, I’ll figure out exactly how to make it up to Bella. What would she really love? What would really touch her? Not fancy parties or flowers, but something real and from the heart.
And then, with the speed and brilliance of a lightning bolt, clarity came.
"Sorry, Lucky," I announced as I gave him a final pat and rose from couch. "I've got work to do."
I picked up my notebook and headed straight for the piano.
Monday, August 9
“You left.”
Two simple words. Yet the accusation implied in my sister’s judgmental tone and glare made it sound like my actions were worthy of the guillotine.
“I know, I know. I should have stayed and cuddled and all that bonding morning-after stuff that girls always want,” I sighed. I dipped a French fry in catsup and morosely gnawed on it.
“Don’t make me hit you. I will give you a black eye,” she threatened. She’d done it before, when we were kids. I’d hacked off her Barbie’s hair in retaliation for Alice forcing my GI Joe to attend an imaginary prom with the plastic blonde. I was incensed that a valiant soldier of war like GI Joe had been made to suffer such a frivolous, girly indignity. Alice begged to differ.
“Don’t bother,” I said. “I’ve been beating myself up enough for the both of us.”
“I doubt that,” she contradicted me. Her face softened slightly as she studied my dejected expression. “Were you really that sick?”
“I lost count of how many times I hurled. If I had done that at Bella’s place all day, I would have had to castrate myself and hand my balls to her at the end of it. Seriously. I couldn’t stay there.”
“But you called a cab while she was still asleep? Have Mom and I taught you nothing?” she began, and I feared she would continue the verbal tirade she’d launched during the first half of my cheeseburger. “I mean, you like Bella, right? She’s not just one of your mutual and forgettable one-night stands. Correct me if I’m wrong.”
“You’re not wrong. I tried to tell her that. I called to apologize and I got her voice mail. I haven’t heard back.”
“Hmmm. Well, either she didn’t get the message, or she’s still upset and she’s letting you stew in your own juices. And you deserve to marinate for awhile.”
“Fine. We’ve established that I’m a scumbag. Can we please move on to the redemption phase of this conversation? I’m trying to figure out the best way to make it up to her.”
Alice sucked on her soda straw thoughtfully, her brow furrowed in concentration. “Well, I think the traditional methods of groveling are definitely too cheesy. You know, flowers, mushy cards, Peter Gabriel tunes playing from a boom box held up outside her window,” she grinned. I gave her a withering look before she continued. “Although, you know, studies do show that flowers are the one gift that always make a woman smile. It’s impossible to look a bouquet in the face and not appreciate the beauty of nature.”
I tried to envision Bella’s expression when the florist graced her desk at work with cascades of Gerbera daisies. Would she smile at the bright colors, or sneer at the “please forgive me” card attached?
“Are you seriously suggesting that sending flowers is going to make her stop hating me for walking out on her?”
“Well, I doubt very much that she hates you,” Alice said in rather grudging consolation. “I mean, it sounds like you said all the right things. It’s just that the abrupt actions you took are probably screaming a lot more loudly right now.”
“Okay, fine. Then I need an action to counteract that. Something big. Something impressive.”
“Edward, I think you’re missing the point,” she sighed as she speared some salad on her fork. “I’m sure that all she wants from you is a little bit of honesty. She probably just wants to understand what went wrong, or to know for sure if it really did go that wrong. She’s probably feeling as uncertain about everything as you do.” I was surprised at this bit of advice. It was pretty down-to-earth for a girl who was so fond of grand gestures and epic moments. Maybe Jasper’s low-key sensibility was rubbing off on her.
“Who are you, and what have done with my sister?” I asked suspiciously.
She let out a small laugh. “Here’s the thing: maybe you should listen to that little voice inside you that made you want to escape. Figure out if why it’s telling you to back off, and whether or not you really want to. I think you need to be sure you really want to move ahead with this relationship before you do anything else. I mean, I know what I think you should do, and what I think you ultimately want to do. But if you just blindly charge ahead and then change your mind again, you won’t just be hurting yourself this time. You’ll be hurting Bella, too.”
I stared at Alice, stunned at this newfound clarity of hers. Cautiousness was not in her repertoire--that had become my specialty the past couple of years. So hearing this from her took me by surprise, to say the least.
“I think it may be too late for that. I think maybe I already hurt her. And God knows it’s the last thing I ever wanted to do,” I added quietly, pushing my plate away. I’d lost my already tepid appetite.
“Is it so bad for you to ask her for a little bit of time to think about this? Maybe there’s a reason she never called back. Maybe she feels like she needs a little space herself. Maybe things went too quickly for her, too, and now she’s worried that she’s blown it with you. She may be thinking the opposite of what you assume she’s thinking. Either way, it’s probably not as bad as you presume. You always see the glass half-empty,” she sniffed, taking another sip of her soda.
“Before I left, I told her that I knew we needed to talk, but that I just couldn’t do it that minute. But I’m afraid it sounded like a brush-off.”
“You’ve already apologized for that, even if it was via voicemail,” Alice reminded me. “I know it’s hard, but you may need to just wait it out until she’s in your office again. When’s her next appointment with Emmett?”
“Wednesday afternoon,” I answered. I already knew Bella came every Wednesday, late in the day. I used to make sure I had an appointment scheduled then, so I could avoid the temptation of seeing her. This week, I made sure I’d be available.
“So take a couple of days to figure out what you really want to say. That way you won’t jerk her around anymore, no matter what you decide.”
I studied my baby sister through narrowed eyes. I felt like I was watching her mature right in front my eyes. It was a bit of a revelation. I was now realizing how much I relied on her youthful optimism to pull me out of my deep abysses. Obviously, it was time for me to grow up, too. Way past time.
“I have to say, I’m impressed,” I told her as I drained my iced tea. “I was completely ready to pull any crazy stunt you suggested to get Bella back, no matter how humiliating it might be. You just missed a golden opportunity.”
She grinned and shrugged. “Eh, what I just told you may have been a bunch of hooey. Maybe I was just buying time so I could think of something outrageous,” she winked.
I laughed, pretty sure she was joking, but not entirely. I waited and watched the wheels churn in her head for a moment.
“Ooh! I know. You want a big gesture? You can’t get much bigger than Mom’s party next weekend!” she suddenly exclaimed.
I stared at her blankly before I realized what she was talking about. “You mean the Black and Red Ball? You want me to ask Bella to a boring fund raiser?” I had forgotten that the date was fast approaching. Ever since Mom’s older sister died prematurely of heart disease a decade ago, Mom and her brother Bill have hosted an annual dinner to raise money for Go Red For Women. Because February weather is so unpredictable, they usually schedule the party in late summer at Uncle Bill’s estate in The Highlands. It’s a very elegant affair, with plenty of Seattle’s elite in attendance. Most of them probably come so they can nose around the old family estate while enjoying an outdoor dinner and dance in its expansive gardens overlooking the Sound.
I’d always disliked the event because I had to wear a suit and tie and be on my best behavior all night. Besides, it always made me miss the times I’d spent at Aunt Jeanne’s place, listening to her awesome music collection. Most of my records had been hers. It made me laugh that Mom and Uncle Bill had come up with such a highbrow event to honor a woman who was so laid-back. Mom always reminded me that it was about raising money to save other women like Jeanne, and catering to Seattle’s deepest pockets was the best way to go about it.
“It’s only boring to us because we’ve had to do this every year since we were kids,” Alice argued. “To most people, it’s an opportunity to have a fancy dinner in a gorgeous setting, and contribute to a good cause in the process. I’ll bet Bella would love to come with you.”
“You think so?” I asked skeptically. The girl had told me she didn’t own a pair of high heels. She lived in t-shirts and jeans. She reminded me a lot of Aunt Jeanne, actually.
“You won’t know unless you ask. It’s a thought, anyway. At least you’d have fun for a change if she were there. And for once, you’d be bringing a date that Mom and Dad would actually approve of.”
“Nice. Thanks,” I said sourly. But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if Alice wasn’t crazy like a fox. Even if Bella didn’t want to go, maybe she’d appreciate the gesture. After all, it was for a good cause. And the garden maze would certainly be fun to explore with her. In fact, there were a couple of secret spots where we could sneak away from the party entirely and make one of our own.
What the hell was I thinking, imagining such a thing? Wasn’t one taboo sex act enough without adding outdoor fornication to the list?
My cell phone vibrated in my pants, and for a second I wondered if my errant dick had set it off. I pulled out the phone and was shocked to see a text message from Bella’s number.
Hi Edward--sorry I missed your call last night; must have been in the shower. Didn’t hear your message until just now. Please stop apologizing for the weekend. I know you didn’t feel well yesterday. It’s fine. We can talk Wednesday after my app’t. w/Emmett. ~Bella
A dozen different thoughts duked it out in my mind at once. Thank God, she’s not mad. She was in the shower. She wants to talk on Wednesday. Damn… Bella in the shower. Why doesn’t she want to talk sooner? Maybe Alice is right and she wants some time to think, too. Mmm, Bella showering….. Why did she text instead of call? Maybe she’s afraid to talk to me. Why? Does she use a washcloth or one of those nylon loofah things? Why didn’t I look in her shower when I had the chance?
“Edward, what is it? Is something wrong?” Alice’s voice interrupted my mental breakdown.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, passing her the phone. She read the message, keeping her face carefully composed.
“She wants to talk to you. That’s good, right?”
I eyed her skeptically. “You don’t sound convinced.”
“Well… she did text instead of calling. And she agreed to talk to you, but two days from now. So I’d say you’re not out of the woods yet. But you will be, I’m sure of it,” she ended with forced cheer.
“That’s it, I’m sending her flowers,” I announced as the waitress dropped our bill on the table.
“It can’t hurt,” Alice agreed, giving me a somewhat sympathetic look as we rose from the table. I fished out enough money for the bill and a tip while she pronounced me “the best big brother ever.”
“No, just the biggest pushover,” I smiled.
“Don’t worry, I’ll figure out a way to pay you back,” she grinned mischievously. I wasn’t sure I liked that look. “You know, Edward, if you think about it long enough, I’m sure you’ll know exactly what to do to make it up to Bella.”
“You think so, huh?” I asked dubiously as she walked me back to Cullen and Cullen PC.
“I have faith in you,” she said, reaching up and giving me a peck on the cheek before I went inside.
“Glad someone does,” I muttered to myself as I entered the office.
My next client hadn’t arrived yet, so I made a quick call to the closest flower shop and ordered two dozen Gerbera daisies to be sent to Bella at Java Noise. I felt like a bit of a moron doing it, but I decided some sort of peace offering couldn’t hurt, no matter how clichĂ©d. When the florist asked me what to put on the card, I told them simply, “Looking forward to Wednesday.” Bella did tell me to stop apologizing, after all.
I spent the rest of the afternoon waiting. After each appointment, I would check my phone, hoping to hear some kind of confirmation that she’d received the flowers. Twice I was disappointed. Finally, after my third appointment, I was greeted with the following:
Gerberas - my favorites. You remembered. They’re beautiful, thank you. Looking forward to Wednesday, too.
A bit of blessed relief filtered through my body. She didn’t seem mad. Maybe the flower idea wasn’t as lame as I’d feared. I quickly texted back.
Of course I remembered. I’m glad you like them. But I’m sure they pale in comparison to their recipient.
Too much? Maybe. I hit “send” anyway.
Her reply arrived before my next client did.
Very smooth, Mr. Cullen. You always know the right thing to say.
I snorted out loud at that. I replied: I wish that were true.
Jessica poked her head through the door to inform me my next client was here. My phone vibrated in my hand and I stole a look at the Bella’s answer.
You hit the mark more often than you realize. See you Wednesday.
I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face as I put my phone away. I didn’t need two days to think about it. If I still had a chance with Bella, I wasn’t going to blow it. I would do whatever took to get it right this time.
Wednesday, August 11
I wish cats could talk.
Lucky is currently staring me down with this superior expression on his face that makes him appear as if his tiny brain contains all the secrets of the universe. If it does, I wish to God he’d clue me in.
The past forty-eight hours leading up to seeing Bella were interminable. The clock was an enemy whose face became aggravatingly familiar as the minutes marched slowly by. Each massage appointment seemed to drag on forever, but at least I was occupied while I was at work. When the night fell, I begged Jasper to bring his band over to practice, or let me crash their rehearsals. Thankfully, he was game to keep me from losing my marbles. Monday night I hung out in his drummer’s garage, listening to the trio try to work out a tricky bridge in the middle of one of their original numbers. Last night they hauled their gear over to my place and jammed for awhile on the ground floor, even letting me improvise on a few numbers. They loved the acoustics in the old mill, so I know they’ll be back, thank God. Maybe they’d like to come back tonight. I should call Jasper right now.
Or maybe I should try to figure out what the hell just happened.
My last client left shortly after 4 p.m. Bella was already in Emmett’s office for her chiropractic work. I went out to the front desk to tell Jessica that I needed to see Miss Swan for a moment before she left, and to show her back to my office. Bella had never actually been in my office, because I really only use it to finish up paperwork and take care of some of the more mundane tasks in between massage sessions.
And now, I paced. I tried to actually accomplish something at the computer, or with my files, or even just rearrange my desk; but I could concentrate on nothing. So I paced. And I sweated. And I couldn’t believe how nervous I was, nor how badly I wanted to see Bella. She hadn’t left my mind since Sunday, but even my most vivid fantasies came nowhere close to the real thing. I needed to see her. More than that, I wanted to touch her, smell her, taste her. Remembrances of Saturday evening kept coming back to me, splicing themselves together like reels of film in my booze-ravaged brain, creating a more linear moving picture of everything that had transpired between us. Reminding me just how amazing she was, and how lucky I’d been that she’d let me paw her and devour her over and over like some kind of insatiable animal in heat. I wanted to do it again. And I wanted her to do the same to me.
Shit. Stop it. Stop thinking with your dick before she walks in this room, my humanity demanded. I took deep, cleansing breaths and tried to tame the beast.
And then she knocked on my door, and every urge I had retreated under the blanket of anxiety that enveloped me. I took another deep breath and tried to calm down as I headed for the door. I reminded myself that I had a plan, and I’d already put it in motion. This morning I had arranged for Katrina to start treating Bella so that I could no longer use ethics as an excuse to keep her at arm’s length. I was going to be the kind of man she deserved. And I was going to start by asking her on a formal date. I figured it didn’t get much more formal than my family’s Black and Red Ball.
I opened the door to see her standing there alone, the sound of Jessica’s heels clicking down the tiled hallway behind her as she returned to the reception area. I found myself inhaling again sharply at the sight of Bella still in her work clothes, a surprisingly feminine cotton blouse and slacks. I had figured that at an indie label, the dress code was probably shredded denims and a concert tee. Then again, knowing Rosalie Hale, maybe she required her assistant to be a little more professionally attired. Bella’s hair was pulled back into a sleek ponytail, even my favorite errant lock tamed and put in its place. I found that a little disconcerting.
But then the chocolate drops gazed up at me and drew my full attention: heart-breakingly beautiful, and every bit as anxious as mine. I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her, but I felt awkwardly frozen to the spot.
“Hi,” I finally breathed, somehow finding my tongue. “You look great. Come in.” I managed to step back and beckon her into the room.
“Thanks,” she said, blushing slightly. Her eyes swept the small room for a moment, then settled on the two chairs in front of my desk.
“Have a seat,” I offered, pulling out one of the chairs for her. As she sat down, I grabbed the other chair and turned it to face hers, sitting directly opposite her. Our knees were nearly touching. She folded her hands tightly in her lap and stared cautiously up at me.
“How are you?” I asked her.
“I’m fine,” she said quickly. “Good. It’s been really busy at work, getting the band signed, helping them find good representation, starting the pre-recording process, figuring out which studio to use….” Her ramble trailed off as she bit her lip. “There’s a lot to do. How about you?”
“I’ve been keeping busy,” I replied. “Jasper’s band has started rehearsing in my building downstairs, so that’s been kind of fun.”
“Really? That’s cool. I’d like to hear them sometime.” Her smile was polite, reserved.
I sighed and rubbed my hands up and down my thighs. “Why is this so awkward? I don’t want this to be awkward. I want things to be okay between us.” I searched her eyes for some reassurance.
Her answering sigh sounded like one of relief. “I want that too. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. That’s why it bothered me when you left like that. It felt like you were shutting me out again.”
“I’m sorry. I know that’s what I was doing, and it was a knee-jerk reaction. I haven’t let myself get close to someone in awhile, and all of a sudden it just felt like too much, too soon. Like we were moving too fast. I guess I panicked. It was stupid, and thoughtless, and I’m sorry.” I couldn’t stop the words, and the apology, once they started spilling out.
She still looked a little troubled. “So… how do you feel now?”
I let the Hershey’s syrup surround me as I looked deeply into her eyes. If I was going to drown, this was the perfect place to do it.
“I feel like I don’t want to let the panic win anymore. Like I don’t want to be so careless trying to protect myself that I hurt other people in the process.”
She nodded but was silent, waiting for more. I took a deep breath.
“I’d like the chance to start over with you. To do things right this time. You know, actually ask you out on a proper date, take you someplace nice, treat you the way you deserve to be treated.” Her slowly growing smile gave me some long-awaited comfort. “I don’t want to blow it this time with you,” I finished.
She shook her head, her smile wry. “You didn’t blow it, Edward. We don’t have to start over completely. I kind of like where we are now, getting to the middle of things.”
“Yeah?” I replied uncertainly. “But we went from our first kiss to… some pretty heavy stuff, in about twelve hours’ time. I don’t want you think this is all about sex for me. You mean more to me than that. I want this to be more.”
She still looked curiously perturbed, and I couldn’t quite figure out why. Wasn’t this the kind of stuff girls wanted to hear? Unless she didn’t feel the same way about me….
“I never thought it was just about sex. That’s not how it seemed to me. I guess you really don’t remember our weekend very well,” she said. The tiny line would not leave the middle of her brows. I had to figure out a way to erase it.
“I do remember,” I insisted, then faltered at the look on her face. “I’m pretty sure I do. A lot of it was really wonderful. But I feel like we missed a few steps somewhere over the past few weeks. I just want to do this the right way.” I couldn’t seem to find the right words to tell her that she was more than a one-night stand to me, and that I wanted what we had to grow into something strong and lasting.
“Maybe there is no right or wrong way,” she suggested. “Maybe we can just do things our way.”
I looked at her in surprise. She must be the most understanding girl alive, I thought.
“That sounds very wise,” I agreed. “But just to be clear, getting bombed and performing questionable sex acts on a girl I really like and respect is not my idea of the right way to do things,” I asserted, feeling the need to set the record straight.
The line deepened between her eyebrows, which was not the reaction I was hoping for.
“So what is the right way to do things, in your opinion?” she asked. I suddenly felt like this was a test. I hoped my answer would let me pass with flying colors.
“Well, I’d like to make all of that up to you, if you’ll let me,” I began.
“You already sent me flowers, and that was more than enough. They’re gorgeous,” she interrupted.
“Not too cheesy?”
“No! I told you I love Gerberas. I can’t help but smile every time I look at them.” Damn that Alice, she knows her stuff.
“Well, I’m glad. But I had something a little bigger in mind. I’d like to ask you on a formal date. And when I say ‘formal,’ I mean that literally. My family hosts a big fund-raising dinner every year for the American Heart Association, which doesn’t sound like much fun, but it’s actually a pretty cool evening.”
“The Black and Red Ball?” she asked, her tone oddly hesitant.
“Yeah, you’ve heard of it? It’s kind of a big society event, I guess. I know you may not think of that as your kind of party, but it’s actually pretty nice, with a really excellent dinner and a formal dance afterwards with an orchestra and a band. It sounds kind of stuffy, I’m guess, but my Uncle Bill’s estate is really beautiful, and there’s a huge garden maze that we could escape to if it gets too boring.” Way to undersell it, Cullen. I halted and studied her face, but I couldn’t understand her expression of faint dread.
“Anyway, it’s a week from this Saturday. I’d be honored if you would be my date this year. I’d love to introduce you to my mom. I think you two would really hit it off.” That last bit kind of shocked me when it popped out of my mouth. But now that it was out there, I didn’t want to take it back. If Bella hadn’t thought I was serious before, she surely did now.
Her face looked unusually pale and her eyes shifted around uncomfortably. God, what did I do now? Was the idea of meeting the mom too much? Were we doomed to keep scaring each other to death before we ever got this relationship off the ground?
“Wow,” she finally said, her voice still hushed. She let out a humorless laugh. “I would love to attend the Black and Red Ball with you… but… I’m already going with someone.”
I stared at her, uncomprehending. Surely I hadn’t heard that last part right.
“Um… you’re already going? But that’s impossible. It’s extremely hard to get tickets. They’re very pricey and exclusive. I should know,” I said. I felt like I was boring holes through her with my disbelieving gaze.
“That’s the funny thing--the tickets actually came from your brother,” she said with a slightly hysterical chuckle. She looked horribly uncomfortable, and at the moment, I couldn’t seem to feel too bad about that.
“My brother,” I repeated in a none-too-happy tone.
She cleared her throat. “He invited Rosalie to be his date, and when she found out what the cause was, she asked him about the possibility of Java Noise buying a table at the event so that several of our employees could attend. She thought it would be a great opportunity to get the label some exposure and ‘hobnob with some of Seattle’s movers and shakers,’ as she put it,” Bella explained. At least she seemed as unhappy to tell me this as I was to hear it.
I began to put the puzzle pieces together, and I didn’t like the picture that was appearing. “So Emmett arranged for your company to purchase a table. Good PR, tax write-off… I get it. Do I need to ask you who’s going to be representing your label?” If she said his name, I was going to lose it. I’d have to keep myself from losing it somehow. I could feel my hands forming fists as I shoved them under my thighs.
She swallowed hard, her cheeks growing pink. “The president of the company, of course, and his wife; our A&R VP and his wife; and me, as Rosalie’s assistant, along with a member of our latest acquisition, to represent the talent.” Her eyes were pleading now. She didn’t want to say his name any more than I wanted to hear it. So why did I force her?
“Of course. Sam Uley would be the obvious choice, right?” I needled her. I couldn’t stop myself. The realization of what was happening was too galling to take it lying down.
Her face was scarlet now. “It would be, except that he’ll be back home visiting his girlfriend Emily for her birthday,” she explained. I wondered if my face looked as rigid as it felt while I tried to keep my composure. I could feel my nostrils flaring like a stallion’s. The thought of her on Jacob Black’s arm all night at the ten-year anniversary of my aunt’s memorial dinner made my blood boil so hot I was sure there must be steam coming out of my ears.
“Edward, please,” Bella entreated, leaning forward and placing her hand on my knee. This first touch from her since our last time together was like a flame-thrower engulfing my thigh. “You know this is nothing but business. You know I would give anything to be there with you instead.”
I was fairly certain of that, especially given the frightened look in her eyes right now.
“Were you going to tell me about this? Or were you just going to show up and surprise me?” I asked, failing to keep the bitterness from my tone. I knew she probably got railroaded into the whole affair by Rosalie, but I still couldn’t keep my irrational resentment of Jacob Black from seeping out around the edges.
Bella leaned back, freeing my knee from her warm grip. “Well, it’s not like you asked me. You didn’t even tell me about this family party of yours. For all I know, you already have another date,” she accused.
I wish I had a picture of the stupefied look on my face at that moment, because I truly couldn’t believe what I had just heard fall from Bella’s lips.
“How the hell could you even think that?” I demanded.
“You could have asked someone before we even met,” she clarified. “How was I supposed to know you weren’t already going with Kate or something?”
I let out a derisive laugh at the absurdity of the idea. “You’ve really got to get over this weird phobia you have about Katrina, especially if she’s going to be treating you from now on. We met in massage therapy school, she’s a good friend of mine, and that’s it. End of story.”
Bella’s eyes were huge, incredulous black holes as she gaped at me. “What did you just say?” she whispered, her voice trembling with what sounded like rage.
I desperately tried to remember the words I’d just uttered in the heat of the moment. “We’re just friends, Bella. That’s all it will ever be,” I tried to assure her.
“No. The part about Kate treating me from now on,” she said in a low, shaky tenor.
Shit. This was not how I had planned to break that bit of news to her. I suddenly found myself in the defensive position.
I took a deep breath and said, “I arranged for you to start seeing her for your therapy. Surely you understand that I can’t keep treating you, after everything that’s happened between us.”
Her head shook violently from side to side. “No, I don’t, actually. All I understand is that you’ve helped me when no one else could.” Her eyes quickly lost their anger and were beseeching instead. “You know me, Edward. You know my body, and what I need. I don’t want anyone else touching me but you,” she whispered plaintively.
Were we still talking about massage therapy? As I sank into the dark pools staring up at me, I could think only of making love to her again, worshipping her with my hands and my mouth and my body. I didn’t know if that was what she was getting at; if that was what she really wanted. But I did know it was pure folly to confuse it with my vocation.
“Bella,” I said hoarsely, reaching tentatively toward her face. I wanted to brush my favorite lock of hair out of her face, but it was nowhere to be found. My thumb stroked her bare cheek gently. “Please try to understand. I have to separate this from work from now on. I can’t do it any other way. It’s too hard for me.”
She shook her head again in refusal, her face scrunching up pitifully. I knew tears would be falling soon. I couldn’t take it. “You’ve already admitted yourself what a bad idea it is to mix your personal life with business. If I were a doctor, it would be illegal for me to treat you. You know that.”
“But you’re not a doctor,” she said matter-of-factly.
My hand froze in place, then dropped away and came to rest on my lap. She knew how that well-placed barb would sting. We stared at each other a moment, a sad resignation settling over us. It was the empty victory of the moment when you know someone well enough to hurt them, and you do it deliberately. We had just taken our first intentional shots at each other. It was another milestone in our relationship; another that was reached too soon.
I finally tore my eyes from hers and reached over to my desk, retrieving Katrina’s card from where I’d placed it. I had planned to give it to Bella after delivering the good news that we could see each other freely and openly now because my professional obligations to her would be coming to an end.
“Please, Bella,” I implored her as I handed her the appointment card. “Don’t compromise your treatment because of anything that’s happened between us. You’re getting to the point where you won’t need to see a massage therapist regularly anymore, anyway. And Katrina is excellent at what she does. I hope you’ll give her a chance.”
Bella took the card from me and looked at it a moment. I tried to read the expression on her face, but could come up with nothing to call it except “extremely upset.”
“All right,” she said quietly. She reached for the small handbag that still hung over one arm and placed the card inside. She rose from her chair, and a wave of panic rolled through my gut.
“Don’t leave,” I begged, jumping to my feet. “I’m sorry I flew off the handle about the Black and Red Ball. It’s not your fault that I didn’t ask you sooner. It came up a lot faster than I realized.”
“It’s okay,” she replied. “I really didn’t want to go, especially if it might lead Jake on. Believe it or not, I do care about sparing his feelings. But Rosalie can be pretty persuasive when she wants to be. And, well, she is my boss.”
“I know. It’s fine. It’ll be fine. Maybe I can cut in for a dance or two,” I tried to joke.
She gave me a rather pained smile.
“Can I take you to dinner or something?” I asked, desperate to keep her from leaving.
“I’m already meeting Angela for dinner, actually,” she said. She looked down a moment, then took a deep breath before lifting her eyes to mine. “You know, Edward, I think you might have been right about us missing a few steps… going too fast. Maybe we should slow down; take a little time to think about things.”
My eyes closed; my heart sank. I should have known that my bright ideas would come back to bite me in the ass.
“What are you saying?” I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.
“Maybe we should take a little break. See how we feel about everything the next time we see each other.” She didn’t sound convinced of her suggestion.
“And when would that be?” You really are a glutton for punishment, Cullen.
“Well, since I won’t be seeing you for massage therapy anymore, then I guess that would be at the ball,” she replied.
Touche, Miss Swan.
I nodded and said simply, “I look forward to it.”
I looked forward to seeing her with MonkeyBoy all night the way I looked forward to a root canal, I thought grimly as I watched her hurry down the hall from my office. But how could I argue against her desire for some space, when I knew it was probably for the better anyway?
It didn’t mean I had to like it, though.
“What should I do, Lucky?” I just asked the tiny fur-covered swami next to me on the couch. I’ve been half-heartedly scratching and petting him since I dragged my sorry ass home, and even my absent-minded affections have been enough to keep him purring contentedly beside me.
He squinted his eyes a couple of times and purred more loudly, the rumbling noise oddly comforting.
“So you’re saying there’s not much I can do, and that I need to take it in stride,” I offered. He squinted again, and I swear his mouth curved up a little more in feline grin.
“Easy for you to say,” I grunted.
I don’t know how I’m going to stay away from her for ten days. I could barely get through the last three without seeing her. But maybe she’s right--maybe the time apart will bring us some clarity about where we stand with each other. Obviously today’s communication breakdown was a red flag. I need to figure out what went wrong, and how to make it right. Maybe Alice is right, too - if I really think about it, I’ll figure out exactly how to make it up to Bella. What would she really love? What would really touch her? Not fancy parties or flowers, but something real and from the heart.
And then, with the speed and brilliance of a lightning bolt, clarity came.
"Sorry, Lucky," I announced as I gave him a final pat and rose from couch. "I've got work to do."
I picked up my notebook and headed straight for the piano.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Massage Therapy, Chapter 11 - Stakes, part 1
Edward Cullen’s Little Black Notebook
Sunday, August 8
Flowers, musk, sex.
Those were the first things to fill my nostrils when I awoke. Something silky tickled my nose. Bella’s hair. I pushed my face into it, inhaling deeply. My fingers crawled toward it, grasping and winding and tangling. They didn’t want to let go. They knew this was heaven.
I sighed into the silk, and the scent changed. Whiskey, beer, nicotine. My own stench rose up to assault my senses, reminding me of reality. My stomach roiled; my head throbbed. The much-deserved hell of my own making staked its claim and demanded that I deal with it.
I was going to be sick.
As the urgency of the situation became clear, I reluctantly pulled myself away from the warm sweetness of Bella and staggered out of bed, assaulted by the sour bile pushing up from my belly. I stumbled toward the door and wrenched it open. Racks of clothing on hangers hit me in the face as I stepped forward, disorienting me for a moment. As I realized my mistake, the soothing smell of Bella’s closet stilled my quaking stomach for a moment. I paused to regroup as I looked around the room for the door to the hallway. Right before I swung the closet door shut, I spied something very familiar, yet incongruous, hiding in the corner behind the shoe boxes: a guitar case.
Bella told me she didn’t play, my muddled thoughts insisted. So why does she have a guitar?
I had no time to ponder the significance of this. The biological drive to purge myself of last night’s poison drove me quickly from the room and down the hall. I barely had time to close the bathroom door behind me as I fell to my knees before the porcelain throne. I stared for a second at the brand-new, unblemished toilet seat--the very contraption that had brought Bella into my life. She had bought it to cradle the ass of that grinning, kiss-stealing little shit, Jacob Black. I ignored the urge to christen it accordingly, and instead pushed it up and out of the way before heaving violently into the stool.
Of all the low moments of my life, this might possibly be the lowest, I thought as I flushed away the proof of my total idiocy. I shuffled to the bathroom sink and looked at myself in the mirror. What a fucking mess. Hair standing in cowlicks all over my head, eyes sunken into black sockets, stubble forming what was essentially a beard and mustache at this point, or soon would be. The only good thing about that was that Bella’s sex clung to it tenaciously, and every breath reminded me of how lucky I was that she had let me bury my face between her beautiful legs last night. I couldn’t even think about how insanely delicious she was, not while the bile in my mouth tainted the memory with its acrid taste.
I reached for the toothbrush and toothpaste on the vanity and scrubbed my mouth clean. I don’t know why it had seemed so significant when Bella handed me my own toothbrush to use in her place. It was like some sort of stake that chained me here in her apartment, only I didn’t balk at the captivity. Instead, I was shocked to find that I was happy to be shackled here, in her life. Why she would want me, I would never understand. I wondered if she would ever forgive me for my behavior last night. I had done so many things wrong, I didn’t know how I’d ever make any of them up to her. Maybe I shouldn’t try. Maybe I should uproot the stake and make a run for it while I could, sparing us a lot more heartache down the road.
I put the toothbrush back in its holder and sighed at the mirror. I knew I should shower or at least wash my face, but I didn’t want to remove her scent from me. I opened the medicine cabinet so that I wouldn’t have to look at my stupid mug anymore, and I stared at the pills there. The age-old hangover question presented itself: antacids or aspirin? Right now, the headache was worse, pounding my brain with rhythmic sledge-hammer precision. I wished Bella had some Alka-Seltzer.
I settled for the aspirin and headed for the kitchen. Dawn was just breaking, the sun’s rays extending pale pink fingers through the kitchen window. There sat my glass of water from last night on the countertop where I’d left it. I suddenly remembered how unreal Bella had looked as the refrigerator light glowed around her. She had turned to get a water pitcher from the top shelf, and the boy shorts I’d always pictured her in taunted me mercilessly, riding up her ass cheeks and cutting across them, exposing a perfect handful of firm, round flesh on either side. I was lost after that. I had to have her. I didn’t care how. I wanted her, and I took her.
She wanted to be taken, didn’t she? It had seemed like it at the time. I hated how fuzzy everything was. Then again, I wished I could forget the humiliation of my impotence entirely. What the hell was that about? Holy fuck. That was a punishment from God, for sure, for all the mistakes I made--and continue to make--with this girl.
I poured myself a glass of orange juice and downed the aspirin. I wandered to the bedroom door and gazed at Bella, sound asleep, her hair spread in wild disarray across the pillow. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, bare-faced, naked and worked-over by my relentless lust the night before. Had I really done what I seemed to remember doing? Shit. Oh, shit. I had. I absolutely had. I had performed an act on her that I never dreamed of trying unless I’d been dating someone awhile, or happened to pick up someone who was on the kinky side during my bar-hopping days.
I went and sat on the couch in the living room, reaching back through the alcoholic residue in my mind to recall the details of the night. After piecing them together, I could only come to the conclusion that I really was a revolting piece of work. In the space of only twelve hours, I had gone from giving that lovely girl a first kiss to manually sodomizing her. What kind of perverted bastard does that?
I felt sick again. Either my stomach didn’t appreciate the juice and aspirin combo, or it was so disgusted with me as a human being that it was trying to turn me inside out in a futile stab at absolution.
It was no use. I only felt worse after my second round of vomiting and then brushing away the sick from my mouth. As more memories began to fall into my consciousness like leaves to the earth, I realized that it wasn’t just my obnoxious behavior that had me in turmoil. It was the fact that I had bared my soul. Admitted things. She knew everything now: how I’d fantasized about her, longed for her, wanted and needed her. Did I even tell her that I loved her? Not exactly, I didn’t think; but the word had escaped my lips at some point. Did I love her? It was so soon. I’d only known her a month. All the more reason to regret the way I’d violated her last night.
It was too much, too soon. All of it. I wasn’t ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. I don’t know how to love someone--not the way a woman like her deserves to be loved, anyway.
You know this better than anyone, Tanya.
And the bitter, horrible truth that I never wanted to admit, but have to right now, is that I never loved you the way I already love Bella. I never loved you enough, or the right way. The way you wanted. The way you deserved. What kind of a man would I have been if I’d gone along with all of your dreams and plans, ignoring the voice inside me that kept telling me they weren’t mine? It would have ended anyway. It had to. I don’t know why you couldn’t face that. I wish I could have helped you. You had to go and end everything with such finality, on your terms. You were always so fucking stubborn like that. Geezus, why didn’t you get help when I begged you to?
I’ve asked these questions for three years now and I’ll never have answers. But the difference now is that I have something to compare us to, and so far, there’s no comparison. Things are so easy with Bella, when I allow them to be… when I let go of the ties binding me to the past and let her in. And yet, the prospect of being with Bella is more daunting than I ever imagined, because my feelings are so strong. They scare the hell out of me. I never thought the stakes could be higher than what I went through with you. But this feels so important that I am practically quaking in my boots. Because if I fuck things up with her the way I did you, I’ll be the one who won’t survive.
My mind churned with conflicting thoughts as I shuffled, Zombie-like, out of the bathroom and slowly headed for Bella’s room. My first instinct was flight. The fight wasn’t in me. I wanted space, time, and possibly a blood transfusion for the god-awful hangover. But my assholery of the night before would only be topped by my bolting from the scene of the crime, so I manned up and crawled back into bed with her.
I accidentally woke her, but she only smiled, wrapped her arm around me and told me she was sorry I didn’t feel good. Like I deserved even an ounce of her pity. But I couldn’t resist the pull of her body as she scooted closer and put her arm over me. I stared at her, lying so close, and took comfort in the heat of her skin wherever it touched mine. She was my remedy. But I didn’t feel like I deserved one.
I passed out for awhile, and woke up to find myself spooning her, conforming my body to hers like a shell surrounding a precious pearl. I breathed her in for ages, trying to soothe the throbbing of my head by resting it on her chestnut hair. Part of me never wanted to leave her. It wanted the world to stop spinning and just let me lie here with her until she healed me completely through osmosis.
The other part wanted to run like hell and never look back. My shell was used to protecting me and no one else. It liked keeping people out, where they couldn’t hurt me. Or maybe it was the other way around--maybe the shell was to keep me from hurting them. Either way, the armor usually came up a hell of a lot faster than I could lower it.
As the two opposing sides of me battled it out, I clung to Bella, kissing her hair, over and over. I already knew which side would win. I could feel myself withdrawing, and even her sleeping form couldn’t anchor me here.
At last I tore myself away from her and made my way to the living room. I dressed quickly, donning the same t-shirt she’d worn yesterday while her clothes dried. Why did that seem so long ago? The t-shirt confirmed the passage of time, now reeking of stale bar smell instead of being permeated with her delicate scent. My fingers went on auto-pilot as they found my cell phone and dialed a cab.
What the fuck are you doing, Cullen? You have to wake her up and at least tell her you’re too much of a coward to stay here.
I didn’t get the chance. She appeared in the living room then, the most gorgeous example of morning-after dishevelment I’d ever laid eyes on. I wanted to carry her back into the bedroom and make love to her the rest of the day. I also wanted to crawl home with my tail between my legs and die quietly in my bed.
The conversation went as badly as I expected. The kinder she was to me, the faster my defenses mounted. A thousand things I wanted to say to her swirled around my aching head but could not seem to articulate themselves on my tongue. I tried to apologize; I tried to make her understand how wonderful she was, and how unworthy I was of her affection. I knew it came out all wrong, and it was nowhere near enough. I was acting like a jerk, a self-fulfilling prophecy with which I was all too familiar. I made sure that by the time I turned to leave, the look of hurt disillusionment she gave me was completely justified.
I threw up again the minute I got home. The commode and I had a torrid affair the rest of the afternoon, interrupted by bouts of fitful sleep. I no longer knew whether it was the alcohol or my self-destructive behavior making me ill. Maybe one caused the other. The cat surprisingly took pity on me, sparing me his reproving stares and curling up by my side while my body recuperated.
By evening, I started awake from my last doze as a horrible realization hit my now-sober brain: Bella probably thought I was going to leave her without so much as a good-bye this morning. I may be low, but even that would have been beneath me.
I grabbed the phone and dialed her number before I could lose my nerve. I was met with only the recorded version of her voice, asking me to leave a message. I couldn’t figure out which was stronger, my relief or my disappointment.
“Bella, it’s me, Edward,” I began awkwardly. “I’m really sorry about the way I left this morning. The fact that I was sick as a dog is no excuse. I just want you to know that I never would have left without telling you. I was going to come wake you up when I got off the phone, but you beat me to it. I did so many things wrong last night that I’ll never be able to make them up to you, but I at least wanted you to know that I would never leave you like that. I shouldn’t have left at all, I know. But I couldn’t understand why you’d even want me to stay. I figured you wouldn’t be able to get rid of me fast enough, so I guess I was trying to beat you to the punch.” I sighed, knowing how utterly lame all of that sounded. “I know I’m not helping things here. I don’t blame you for not picking up. But maybe you’ll let me talk to you after your appointment with Emmett this week. I hope so. Or you can call me back if you want to.” I had no idea how to end this pathetic, rambling message. I finally just said “good-bye” and hung up, feeling worse now than I had before I called.
I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich and managed to choke down most of it. I wondered if Bella was a good cook. I would have loved to let her make me breakfast, but I couldn’t bear the thought of running to her toilet to heave it back up again, which most assuredly would have happened. Letting her see me so weak and vulnerable was simply more than I could bear, especially after my shortcomings last night. Now that I was lucid, I could admit to myself that that was the main reason I left so abruptly. It wasn’t to spare her. It was to spare me. And now I had the unenviable task ahead of trying to make it up to her.
I watched the phone for awhile, as if I could somehow will it to ring by staring at it. Bella never called back. I didn’t really expect her to, but a tiny ray of dumb hope remained in my soul; hope that I hadn’t blown it completely, hope that she would forgive me and let me try again so I could get it right this time.
I finally gave up on the prospect for tonight and picked up my silent cell, scrolling through my contact list. I debated: Alice or Jasper? Alice would have my head on a platter after I told her the gist of what happened last night. So would Jazz, but he’d be a lot less judgmental and more matter-of-fact about the whole mess.
“Hey,” he answered with his usual laid-back cool. “What’s up, brother? You checkin’ up to make sure I got your sister home in one piece last night?”
Shit, I’d forgotten all about their date. “No, actually, but now that you bring it up….”
Jasper chuckled. “I was a perfect gentleman. I picked her up promptly, escorted her out for a lovely meal and an art gallery opening, and then chastely kissed the back of her hand when I deposited her on your parents’ doorstep before midnight.”
That one made me laugh out loud, and it felt good. “Well, if that’s the case, I’ll bet I’m going to hear a different assessment of your evening from Alice. Did you really ride the ferry with her back to mom and dad’s?”
“Of course I did. I wouldn’t drop her off on the boat by herself late at night. What kind of lowlife do you think I am?” I could practically hear the shit-eating grin in his voice.
“Oh, man. My mom is probably in love with you now. I mean, she was already, but now she’s probably started planning the wedding reception for you and my sister. You realize that, right?”
He only laughed. “I think I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that I can’t fight the two of them once they’ve started conspiring together. I can think of worse fates.”
“Wow,” I marveled. This was big. I knew how to read between the lines of Jasper’s subtle comments. He must really like my sister. A lot. “So I take it the date went well?”
“Very well. I don’t kiss and tell, of course. Especially since Alice is your sister. That would be gross.” We both made similar shuddering noises of distaste. “But yeah… we had a great time. She’s pretty special.”
“Yeah, she is,” I had to agree. I couldn’t wipe the surprised smile off my face at the thought of my best friend and my sister hooking up. It would take some getting used to, but it made sense. And I actually really loved the idea of Jasper being my brother-in-law, if that’s where this was heading. On the other hand, it could be disastrous if the whole thing didn’t work out. I decided I’d better play an impartial third party as best I could.
“So, what’s up with you? How did your non-date with Bella go yesterday?”
I sighed heavily. Where to begin? “The afternoon went pretty well. Better than well, for awhile, anyway. I kind of screwed it up by the end.”
“What’d you do?” Jasper asked, sounding unsurprised.
“Well, we ended up back here at my place, and I not-so-gently reminded her that she’d better leave to go get ready for her date with Jacob Black.”
“She’s still going out with that guy?”
“Yeah. Well, she doesn’t see it that way, but I’ll bet he does. She was supposed to meet him for dinner before his band performed for some bigwigs from her label later on. It was all business, she said. But I don’t trust that kid.”
“You don’t need to trust him,” Jasper interrupted. “You need to trust her. Do you?”
I sighed again. “Yes. I knew all that and I still used their dinner date as an excuse to push her away. She even asked me to meet her later on at the club, but I told her I didn’t want to be a fifth wheel.”
“Ouch,” Jasper said with a chortle. “Denied. You know why you’re doing that, right?”
“Of course I do,” was my resigned reply. “She’s the first girl I’ve wanted to get close to since Tanya. I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“You’re probably never going to be ready, at least in your head. You’re just going to have to take the leap. Eventually you’ll want to. You don’t need to rush it,” Jasper advised. “You haven’t even known her that long. Test the waters a little longer. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“You’re right, there’s not. And that would be great advice, except that it’s too late to take it. I already jumped off the deep end and now I’m treading water like hell.”
“Geezus, what did you do?”
“I showed up at the club last night.”
Jasper let out a whistle. “Okay, that’s not so bad. She asked you to, right?”
“Yeah, she did. But it gets better. I met up with James first and got completely tanked before I grew the balls to go see her again.”
Jazz groaned loudly. “I can’t believe you called up that douche. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking. Unless my subconscious was trying to come up with the best way to fuck myself over in less than twenty-four hours.” I continued to tell him an abbreviated version of the evening, since I prefer not to kiss and tell, either. I concluded with my Taxi Ride of Shame home and my pathetic phone call begging for forgiveness an hour ago.
Jasper was silent a moment. “I know a place where you can rent a stallion and a white flag, if you want to make a grand, romantic gesture of self-abasement.”
“Ha ha. Not helping.”
“Well, as I see it, you have two choices right now. Either you can walk away from this girl completely, or you can try like hell to win her back. It doesn’t sound to me like she’s written you off completely. She’s probably smarting a little bit, though. You need to convince her she didn’t do anything wrong, just in case she’s blaming herself for some stupid reason. Have you considered telling her about Tanya?”
I shook my head, the thought causing something like a panic attack in my chest. “I’ve already had the chance to do that but I just can’t… go there. I don’t see what good it would do. This isn’t about her.”
“Isn’t it?” Jasper countered. “I mean, if fear of getting close to someone again is the only thing holding you back, then maybe Bella needs to know what you’ve had to deal with.”
“I know. I know you’re right. It just feels like telling her would sort of… spoil our relationship. Bella is so different from Tanya, and what we have is already so much better, that I don’t want to look back. I don’t want the past to taint the present.”
“Yeah well, wishing something doesn’t make it true. If you can’t talk to Bella, then why not see a shrink? It’s been awhile. Maybe it could help you this time. Give you some better perspective.”
“Maybe,” I said reluctantly. I felt myself shut down completely at the thought. My experiences with counseling were useless, to the best of my recollection. I just didn’t see the point of re-hashing everything, and I still don’t.
Jasper sensed I was just about done with this topic. “Okay. If you don’t want this to be over with Bella, then you need to do something to make it up to her. I wasn’t kidding about the grand gesture. Call Alice. I’ll bet she’s got plenty of ideas for embarrassing ways you can try to win back Bella’s affections,” he said with a laugh.
“Oh, hell. I want to tell her about last night like I want to drill a hole in the middle of my forehead. Why do you think I called you first?”
“I hear ya,” he laughed. “But she’s required to forgive you--it’s sibling law. Then you can put her devious mind to work for you.”
“You seem to know my sister well, given the short amount of time you’ve spent together,” I said suspiciously.
“Yeah, but I’ve known you a lot longer. I pay attention. You two have that weird juju going on. She’ll have your back, and probably come up with a genius way to help you out.”
“You’re right,” I admitted. “Hey, before I go, I’ve been thinking: if you and your band are having trouble finding rehearsal spots, you’re welcome to use the downstairs here. Since I’m on the third floor, I probably won’t even be able to hear you guys. And even if I can, that’s okay. I have the feeling I’ll be needing the distraction.”
“Seriously? I may take you up on that. We’ve been using Stew’s garage, but I’m sure his neighbors could use a break from the noise. I’ll check with them and let you know.”
“Sure. You’re welcome any time. I’ll give you a key,” I offered.
After we hung up, I braced myself and called Alice. This time, it was definitely relief I felt when I got her answering service. I told her to meet me for lunch tomorrow at the café by the office. Jazz was right--it was time to whip out the big guns. And Alice would have the best ammo of anyone I knew.
Sunday, August 8
Flowers, musk, sex.
Those were the first things to fill my nostrils when I awoke. Something silky tickled my nose. Bella’s hair. I pushed my face into it, inhaling deeply. My fingers crawled toward it, grasping and winding and tangling. They didn’t want to let go. They knew this was heaven.
I sighed into the silk, and the scent changed. Whiskey, beer, nicotine. My own stench rose up to assault my senses, reminding me of reality. My stomach roiled; my head throbbed. The much-deserved hell of my own making staked its claim and demanded that I deal with it.
I was going to be sick.
As the urgency of the situation became clear, I reluctantly pulled myself away from the warm sweetness of Bella and staggered out of bed, assaulted by the sour bile pushing up from my belly. I stumbled toward the door and wrenched it open. Racks of clothing on hangers hit me in the face as I stepped forward, disorienting me for a moment. As I realized my mistake, the soothing smell of Bella’s closet stilled my quaking stomach for a moment. I paused to regroup as I looked around the room for the door to the hallway. Right before I swung the closet door shut, I spied something very familiar, yet incongruous, hiding in the corner behind the shoe boxes: a guitar case.
Bella told me she didn’t play, my muddled thoughts insisted. So why does she have a guitar?
I had no time to ponder the significance of this. The biological drive to purge myself of last night’s poison drove me quickly from the room and down the hall. I barely had time to close the bathroom door behind me as I fell to my knees before the porcelain throne. I stared for a second at the brand-new, unblemished toilet seat--the very contraption that had brought Bella into my life. She had bought it to cradle the ass of that grinning, kiss-stealing little shit, Jacob Black. I ignored the urge to christen it accordingly, and instead pushed it up and out of the way before heaving violently into the stool.
Of all the low moments of my life, this might possibly be the lowest, I thought as I flushed away the proof of my total idiocy. I shuffled to the bathroom sink and looked at myself in the mirror. What a fucking mess. Hair standing in cowlicks all over my head, eyes sunken into black sockets, stubble forming what was essentially a beard and mustache at this point, or soon would be. The only good thing about that was that Bella’s sex clung to it tenaciously, and every breath reminded me of how lucky I was that she had let me bury my face between her beautiful legs last night. I couldn’t even think about how insanely delicious she was, not while the bile in my mouth tainted the memory with its acrid taste.
I reached for the toothbrush and toothpaste on the vanity and scrubbed my mouth clean. I don’t know why it had seemed so significant when Bella handed me my own toothbrush to use in her place. It was like some sort of stake that chained me here in her apartment, only I didn’t balk at the captivity. Instead, I was shocked to find that I was happy to be shackled here, in her life. Why she would want me, I would never understand. I wondered if she would ever forgive me for my behavior last night. I had done so many things wrong, I didn’t know how I’d ever make any of them up to her. Maybe I shouldn’t try. Maybe I should uproot the stake and make a run for it while I could, sparing us a lot more heartache down the road.
I put the toothbrush back in its holder and sighed at the mirror. I knew I should shower or at least wash my face, but I didn’t want to remove her scent from me. I opened the medicine cabinet so that I wouldn’t have to look at my stupid mug anymore, and I stared at the pills there. The age-old hangover question presented itself: antacids or aspirin? Right now, the headache was worse, pounding my brain with rhythmic sledge-hammer precision. I wished Bella had some Alka-Seltzer.
I settled for the aspirin and headed for the kitchen. Dawn was just breaking, the sun’s rays extending pale pink fingers through the kitchen window. There sat my glass of water from last night on the countertop where I’d left it. I suddenly remembered how unreal Bella had looked as the refrigerator light glowed around her. She had turned to get a water pitcher from the top shelf, and the boy shorts I’d always pictured her in taunted me mercilessly, riding up her ass cheeks and cutting across them, exposing a perfect handful of firm, round flesh on either side. I was lost after that. I had to have her. I didn’t care how. I wanted her, and I took her.
She wanted to be taken, didn’t she? It had seemed like it at the time. I hated how fuzzy everything was. Then again, I wished I could forget the humiliation of my impotence entirely. What the hell was that about? Holy fuck. That was a punishment from God, for sure, for all the mistakes I made--and continue to make--with this girl.
I poured myself a glass of orange juice and downed the aspirin. I wandered to the bedroom door and gazed at Bella, sound asleep, her hair spread in wild disarray across the pillow. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, bare-faced, naked and worked-over by my relentless lust the night before. Had I really done what I seemed to remember doing? Shit. Oh, shit. I had. I absolutely had. I had performed an act on her that I never dreamed of trying unless I’d been dating someone awhile, or happened to pick up someone who was on the kinky side during my bar-hopping days.
I went and sat on the couch in the living room, reaching back through the alcoholic residue in my mind to recall the details of the night. After piecing them together, I could only come to the conclusion that I really was a revolting piece of work. In the space of only twelve hours, I had gone from giving that lovely girl a first kiss to manually sodomizing her. What kind of perverted bastard does that?
I felt sick again. Either my stomach didn’t appreciate the juice and aspirin combo, or it was so disgusted with me as a human being that it was trying to turn me inside out in a futile stab at absolution.
It was no use. I only felt worse after my second round of vomiting and then brushing away the sick from my mouth. As more memories began to fall into my consciousness like leaves to the earth, I realized that it wasn’t just my obnoxious behavior that had me in turmoil. It was the fact that I had bared my soul. Admitted things. She knew everything now: how I’d fantasized about her, longed for her, wanted and needed her. Did I even tell her that I loved her? Not exactly, I didn’t think; but the word had escaped my lips at some point. Did I love her? It was so soon. I’d only known her a month. All the more reason to regret the way I’d violated her last night.
It was too much, too soon. All of it. I wasn’t ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. I don’t know how to love someone--not the way a woman like her deserves to be loved, anyway.
You know this better than anyone, Tanya.
And the bitter, horrible truth that I never wanted to admit, but have to right now, is that I never loved you the way I already love Bella. I never loved you enough, or the right way. The way you wanted. The way you deserved. What kind of a man would I have been if I’d gone along with all of your dreams and plans, ignoring the voice inside me that kept telling me they weren’t mine? It would have ended anyway. It had to. I don’t know why you couldn’t face that. I wish I could have helped you. You had to go and end everything with such finality, on your terms. You were always so fucking stubborn like that. Geezus, why didn’t you get help when I begged you to?
I’ve asked these questions for three years now and I’ll never have answers. But the difference now is that I have something to compare us to, and so far, there’s no comparison. Things are so easy with Bella, when I allow them to be… when I let go of the ties binding me to the past and let her in. And yet, the prospect of being with Bella is more daunting than I ever imagined, because my feelings are so strong. They scare the hell out of me. I never thought the stakes could be higher than what I went through with you. But this feels so important that I am practically quaking in my boots. Because if I fuck things up with her the way I did you, I’ll be the one who won’t survive.
My mind churned with conflicting thoughts as I shuffled, Zombie-like, out of the bathroom and slowly headed for Bella’s room. My first instinct was flight. The fight wasn’t in me. I wanted space, time, and possibly a blood transfusion for the god-awful hangover. But my assholery of the night before would only be topped by my bolting from the scene of the crime, so I manned up and crawled back into bed with her.
I accidentally woke her, but she only smiled, wrapped her arm around me and told me she was sorry I didn’t feel good. Like I deserved even an ounce of her pity. But I couldn’t resist the pull of her body as she scooted closer and put her arm over me. I stared at her, lying so close, and took comfort in the heat of her skin wherever it touched mine. She was my remedy. But I didn’t feel like I deserved one.
I passed out for awhile, and woke up to find myself spooning her, conforming my body to hers like a shell surrounding a precious pearl. I breathed her in for ages, trying to soothe the throbbing of my head by resting it on her chestnut hair. Part of me never wanted to leave her. It wanted the world to stop spinning and just let me lie here with her until she healed me completely through osmosis.
The other part wanted to run like hell and never look back. My shell was used to protecting me and no one else. It liked keeping people out, where they couldn’t hurt me. Or maybe it was the other way around--maybe the shell was to keep me from hurting them. Either way, the armor usually came up a hell of a lot faster than I could lower it.
As the two opposing sides of me battled it out, I clung to Bella, kissing her hair, over and over. I already knew which side would win. I could feel myself withdrawing, and even her sleeping form couldn’t anchor me here.
At last I tore myself away from her and made my way to the living room. I dressed quickly, donning the same t-shirt she’d worn yesterday while her clothes dried. Why did that seem so long ago? The t-shirt confirmed the passage of time, now reeking of stale bar smell instead of being permeated with her delicate scent. My fingers went on auto-pilot as they found my cell phone and dialed a cab.
What the fuck are you doing, Cullen? You have to wake her up and at least tell her you’re too much of a coward to stay here.
I didn’t get the chance. She appeared in the living room then, the most gorgeous example of morning-after dishevelment I’d ever laid eyes on. I wanted to carry her back into the bedroom and make love to her the rest of the day. I also wanted to crawl home with my tail between my legs and die quietly in my bed.
The conversation went as badly as I expected. The kinder she was to me, the faster my defenses mounted. A thousand things I wanted to say to her swirled around my aching head but could not seem to articulate themselves on my tongue. I tried to apologize; I tried to make her understand how wonderful she was, and how unworthy I was of her affection. I knew it came out all wrong, and it was nowhere near enough. I was acting like a jerk, a self-fulfilling prophecy with which I was all too familiar. I made sure that by the time I turned to leave, the look of hurt disillusionment she gave me was completely justified.
I threw up again the minute I got home. The commode and I had a torrid affair the rest of the afternoon, interrupted by bouts of fitful sleep. I no longer knew whether it was the alcohol or my self-destructive behavior making me ill. Maybe one caused the other. The cat surprisingly took pity on me, sparing me his reproving stares and curling up by my side while my body recuperated.
By evening, I started awake from my last doze as a horrible realization hit my now-sober brain: Bella probably thought I was going to leave her without so much as a good-bye this morning. I may be low, but even that would have been beneath me.
I grabbed the phone and dialed her number before I could lose my nerve. I was met with only the recorded version of her voice, asking me to leave a message. I couldn’t figure out which was stronger, my relief or my disappointment.
“Bella, it’s me, Edward,” I began awkwardly. “I’m really sorry about the way I left this morning. The fact that I was sick as a dog is no excuse. I just want you to know that I never would have left without telling you. I was going to come wake you up when I got off the phone, but you beat me to it. I did so many things wrong last night that I’ll never be able to make them up to you, but I at least wanted you to know that I would never leave you like that. I shouldn’t have left at all, I know. But I couldn’t understand why you’d even want me to stay. I figured you wouldn’t be able to get rid of me fast enough, so I guess I was trying to beat you to the punch.” I sighed, knowing how utterly lame all of that sounded. “I know I’m not helping things here. I don’t blame you for not picking up. But maybe you’ll let me talk to you after your appointment with Emmett this week. I hope so. Or you can call me back if you want to.” I had no idea how to end this pathetic, rambling message. I finally just said “good-bye” and hung up, feeling worse now than I had before I called.
I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich and managed to choke down most of it. I wondered if Bella was a good cook. I would have loved to let her make me breakfast, but I couldn’t bear the thought of running to her toilet to heave it back up again, which most assuredly would have happened. Letting her see me so weak and vulnerable was simply more than I could bear, especially after my shortcomings last night. Now that I was lucid, I could admit to myself that that was the main reason I left so abruptly. It wasn’t to spare her. It was to spare me. And now I had the unenviable task ahead of trying to make it up to her.
I watched the phone for awhile, as if I could somehow will it to ring by staring at it. Bella never called back. I didn’t really expect her to, but a tiny ray of dumb hope remained in my soul; hope that I hadn’t blown it completely, hope that she would forgive me and let me try again so I could get it right this time.
I finally gave up on the prospect for tonight and picked up my silent cell, scrolling through my contact list. I debated: Alice or Jasper? Alice would have my head on a platter after I told her the gist of what happened last night. So would Jazz, but he’d be a lot less judgmental and more matter-of-fact about the whole mess.
“Hey,” he answered with his usual laid-back cool. “What’s up, brother? You checkin’ up to make sure I got your sister home in one piece last night?”
Shit, I’d forgotten all about their date. “No, actually, but now that you bring it up….”
Jasper chuckled. “I was a perfect gentleman. I picked her up promptly, escorted her out for a lovely meal and an art gallery opening, and then chastely kissed the back of her hand when I deposited her on your parents’ doorstep before midnight.”
That one made me laugh out loud, and it felt good. “Well, if that’s the case, I’ll bet I’m going to hear a different assessment of your evening from Alice. Did you really ride the ferry with her back to mom and dad’s?”
“Of course I did. I wouldn’t drop her off on the boat by herself late at night. What kind of lowlife do you think I am?” I could practically hear the shit-eating grin in his voice.
“Oh, man. My mom is probably in love with you now. I mean, she was already, but now she’s probably started planning the wedding reception for you and my sister. You realize that, right?”
He only laughed. “I think I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that I can’t fight the two of them once they’ve started conspiring together. I can think of worse fates.”
“Wow,” I marveled. This was big. I knew how to read between the lines of Jasper’s subtle comments. He must really like my sister. A lot. “So I take it the date went well?”
“Very well. I don’t kiss and tell, of course. Especially since Alice is your sister. That would be gross.” We both made similar shuddering noises of distaste. “But yeah… we had a great time. She’s pretty special.”
“Yeah, she is,” I had to agree. I couldn’t wipe the surprised smile off my face at the thought of my best friend and my sister hooking up. It would take some getting used to, but it made sense. And I actually really loved the idea of Jasper being my brother-in-law, if that’s where this was heading. On the other hand, it could be disastrous if the whole thing didn’t work out. I decided I’d better play an impartial third party as best I could.
“So, what’s up with you? How did your non-date with Bella go yesterday?”
I sighed heavily. Where to begin? “The afternoon went pretty well. Better than well, for awhile, anyway. I kind of screwed it up by the end.”
“What’d you do?” Jasper asked, sounding unsurprised.
“Well, we ended up back here at my place, and I not-so-gently reminded her that she’d better leave to go get ready for her date with Jacob Black.”
“She’s still going out with that guy?”
“Yeah. Well, she doesn’t see it that way, but I’ll bet he does. She was supposed to meet him for dinner before his band performed for some bigwigs from her label later on. It was all business, she said. But I don’t trust that kid.”
“You don’t need to trust him,” Jasper interrupted. “You need to trust her. Do you?”
I sighed again. “Yes. I knew all that and I still used their dinner date as an excuse to push her away. She even asked me to meet her later on at the club, but I told her I didn’t want to be a fifth wheel.”
“Ouch,” Jasper said with a chortle. “Denied. You know why you’re doing that, right?”
“Of course I do,” was my resigned reply. “She’s the first girl I’ve wanted to get close to since Tanya. I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“You’re probably never going to be ready, at least in your head. You’re just going to have to take the leap. Eventually you’ll want to. You don’t need to rush it,” Jasper advised. “You haven’t even known her that long. Test the waters a little longer. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“You’re right, there’s not. And that would be great advice, except that it’s too late to take it. I already jumped off the deep end and now I’m treading water like hell.”
“Geezus, what did you do?”
“I showed up at the club last night.”
Jasper let out a whistle. “Okay, that’s not so bad. She asked you to, right?”
“Yeah, she did. But it gets better. I met up with James first and got completely tanked before I grew the balls to go see her again.”
Jazz groaned loudly. “I can’t believe you called up that douche. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking. Unless my subconscious was trying to come up with the best way to fuck myself over in less than twenty-four hours.” I continued to tell him an abbreviated version of the evening, since I prefer not to kiss and tell, either. I concluded with my Taxi Ride of Shame home and my pathetic phone call begging for forgiveness an hour ago.
Jasper was silent a moment. “I know a place where you can rent a stallion and a white flag, if you want to make a grand, romantic gesture of self-abasement.”
“Ha ha. Not helping.”
“Well, as I see it, you have two choices right now. Either you can walk away from this girl completely, or you can try like hell to win her back. It doesn’t sound to me like she’s written you off completely. She’s probably smarting a little bit, though. You need to convince her she didn’t do anything wrong, just in case she’s blaming herself for some stupid reason. Have you considered telling her about Tanya?”
I shook my head, the thought causing something like a panic attack in my chest. “I’ve already had the chance to do that but I just can’t… go there. I don’t see what good it would do. This isn’t about her.”
“Isn’t it?” Jasper countered. “I mean, if fear of getting close to someone again is the only thing holding you back, then maybe Bella needs to know what you’ve had to deal with.”
“I know. I know you’re right. It just feels like telling her would sort of… spoil our relationship. Bella is so different from Tanya, and what we have is already so much better, that I don’t want to look back. I don’t want the past to taint the present.”
“Yeah well, wishing something doesn’t make it true. If you can’t talk to Bella, then why not see a shrink? It’s been awhile. Maybe it could help you this time. Give you some better perspective.”
“Maybe,” I said reluctantly. I felt myself shut down completely at the thought. My experiences with counseling were useless, to the best of my recollection. I just didn’t see the point of re-hashing everything, and I still don’t.
Jasper sensed I was just about done with this topic. “Okay. If you don’t want this to be over with Bella, then you need to do something to make it up to her. I wasn’t kidding about the grand gesture. Call Alice. I’ll bet she’s got plenty of ideas for embarrassing ways you can try to win back Bella’s affections,” he said with a laugh.
“Oh, hell. I want to tell her about last night like I want to drill a hole in the middle of my forehead. Why do you think I called you first?”
“I hear ya,” he laughed. “But she’s required to forgive you--it’s sibling law. Then you can put her devious mind to work for you.”
“You seem to know my sister well, given the short amount of time you’ve spent together,” I said suspiciously.
“Yeah, but I’ve known you a lot longer. I pay attention. You two have that weird juju going on. She’ll have your back, and probably come up with a genius way to help you out.”
“You’re right,” I admitted. “Hey, before I go, I’ve been thinking: if you and your band are having trouble finding rehearsal spots, you’re welcome to use the downstairs here. Since I’m on the third floor, I probably won’t even be able to hear you guys. And even if I can, that’s okay. I have the feeling I’ll be needing the distraction.”
“Seriously? I may take you up on that. We’ve been using Stew’s garage, but I’m sure his neighbors could use a break from the noise. I’ll check with them and let you know.”
“Sure. You’re welcome any time. I’ll give you a key,” I offered.
After we hung up, I braced myself and called Alice. This time, it was definitely relief I felt when I got her answering service. I told her to meet me for lunch tomorrow at the café by the office. Jazz was right--it was time to whip out the big guns. And Alice would have the best ammo of anyone I knew.
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