Saturday, August 21, 2010

Massage Therapy, Chapter 2

From the Desk of Bella Swan
Friday, July 16, 2010

Holy Crow, Mom…I think I’m in trouble.

Not the kind you think. I’m fine, really. I think. I’m still too light-headed to know for sure.

No, I’m talking about that nervous-but-excited feeling you get after they strap you into your car on the Space Mountain rollercoaster at Disney World and all the lights suddenly go out. Your stomach drops as the car surges forward and starts to climb, and you can’t see a damned thing ahead of you because it’s pitch black all around, but you know you’d better hang on tight because you’re in for a hell of a ride.

The day started in its usual mundane way. I worked most of it, helping Rose sift through dozens of demos, organizing and filing the ones worth a second listen. She seems to value my opinion, which is pretty cool considering she’s been doing this awhile, and I’m just her assistant. She let me leave early so I could go to my back appointment and then come home to rest.

I was kind of nervous going to Cullen and Cullen, PC, because you know what happened the last time I went to one of those sadists operating under the innocuous title of “chiropractor.” I couldn’t move for days and swore I’d never subject myself to that quackery again. But Dr. Cullen said that chiropractics have made a lot of advances in recent years, and he really thought his son could help me. I guess the x-rays showed that I have a couple of vertebrae out of alignment. (So what else is new?)

Emmett Cullen’s office was neat and modern, with simple furnishings in shades of pale gray, blue and cream. The receptionist, Jessica, was bubbly and helpful as I filled out all the requisite patient information. I didn’t have time to be nervous, because as soon as I was done with the paperwork, she ushered me down the hall and into a room containing both an electronic massage chair and massage table. She had me lie down on the table, which had a rolling mechanism built underneath its vinyl covering. It worked up and down my back, gently rolling and vibrating from neck to tailbone in order to loosen up my muscles. I was actually starting to relax a bit by the time the timer went off, and Jessica returned to escort me to the exam room.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen’s son came in after a couple of minutes, and he put my fears to rest right away with his easy smile. You always said the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and he was proof. He’s at least as handsome as his father, with curly hair the color of burnished walnut and eyes like the sky over Puget Sound on a sunny day. Still, I began to quake nervously as I took in his tall, hulking form--he’s built like a brick shithouse. I wasn’t sure I wanted this guy anywhere near my precarious spine, no matter how nice he was.

He picked up my patient form and studied it for a moment.

“Isabella Swan,” he said, his eyes twinkling pleasantly as he glanced up at me.

“Just ‘Bella’ is fine, Dr. Cullen,” I quickly corrected him.

“Okay then, Bella. You can call me Emmett,” he grinned amiably. “It looks like you’ve been having some problems with a recurring injury. Would you like to tell me what happened?”

No, I really wouldn’t, I thought with chagrin. “I was bent over, doing some housecleaning, and it just seized up,” I offered lamely. There. I essentially told him the truth.

Emmett clucked his tongue and launched into a warning about the evils of twisting and turning with the vacuum cleaner, like I haven’t heard that a dozen times before. I promised him I’d be more careful in the future.

He had me stand up after that so that he could check the alignment of my hips and spine. He made me walk a little so he could assess my gait. He didn't even ask me to remove any clothes--he said he could easily see what my “issues” were, and that it would probably take a series of minor adjustments to get me back to “normal.” I tried not to laugh snidely at the word. He said he wanted to work on me gradually so as not to cause any further trauma to my back while it was healing from the last bout of muscle spasms. I’m glad that my insurance will cover the visits, since it sounds like this could take awhile.

He had me stand on a metal plate attached to the foot of a vertical hydraulic table, which slowly began to wheeze and grind as it lowered me, face-down, to a horizontal position. He checked the alignment of my feet and ankles, and then began working gently but firmly on my lower back, pressing and pushing my tailbone into the place it ought to be. He repeated the maneuvers up my back, adjusting me where necessary; and the hydraulic table gave way beneath me with a loud ker-rang in response each time Dr. Cullen pressed sharply on my back. He also pushed his thumb, hard, into various pressure points up and down my hips and back, seeming to will my muscles and nerves to give way where they were tight. The adjustments were merely uncomfortable--nothing like my last chiropractic experience, and most certainly nothing as painful as the pinched nerve that laid me low last weekend. I was pleasantly surprised at how gentle Emmett Cullen was, considering his size.

“There. That wasn’t too bad, was it?” he asked expectantly as he set the table in motion to return me to an upright position. He looked pretty confident that I’d tell him it wasn’t, so I merely shook my head in agreement as I stepped back off the metal plate.  He had me walk around a bit, studying my movements and asking if I was okay. I nodded and told him I felt pretty good, surprisingly enough.

He smiled in a rather self-satisfied way and continued, “I really think you could benefit from myofascial release therapy in addition to chiropractics. Do you have time yet this afternoon for a treatment?”

I gave him a puzzled look and repeated, “My-oh-what-all?”

He laughed and explained that “myofascial release” is just a fancy name for a gentle form of deep tissue and muscle massage designed to help relieve chronic or recurring pain like I have. I told him I’d try anything that might keep last weekend’s fiasco from happening again, so he led me down the hall to another room.

This room was entirely different from the austere exam area. A dark antique desk supported a single ornate amber lamp, which bathed the room in an ambient glow. A large massage table commanded the center of the room, and consisted of a thick flannel-covered mattress with a matching sheet over the top. At the far end, a padded donut-shaped protrusion provided a place to rest one’s face, and underneath it sat a wheeled stool. The faint sounds of ocean waves permeated the room, and I soon saw that an iPod and docking station were situated at the other end of the desk. I almost giggled at the cheesiness of a sound machine cranking fake beach noises into the air, but I had to admit that the room had a much more tranquil, soothing aura than the clinical exam room I’d just left.

“You’ll need to undress to your underwear, then lie face-down on the table. There’s a small pillow there that you can rest under your hips if you need it. I don’t want you arching your lower back and pinching that nerve again,” Emmett warned.

I nodded in response, biting my lip in apprehension. I’d never had a professional massage before, especially from such a handsome guy. The only time my college boyfriend Mike had ever rubbed my back was when he was trying to get me to have sex with him. After I did, the massages stopped.

“Don’t worry, Bella,” Emmett assured me, apparently sensing my apprehension. “I think you’ll find it very relaxing and helpful for your condition. I’ll leave you to get ready.”

He gave me the easy smile again and I tried to return it. When the door closed behind him, I looked around the room. There was a wicker chair next to the desk, and on the other side, a small end table with a bouquet of fresh flowers and a rather elegant goblet of water. I undressed and laid my jeans and t-shirt on the chair, then stood deliberating about my bra. Surely I would need to remove it if he was going to work on my back, right? I bit my lip again, then shrugged out of my barely-B-cups, figuring that there wasn’t much to see anyway.

I crawled carefully onto the raised massage table, positioning the pillow under my abdomen to help support my back before I lowered myself slowly down. I pulled the sheet up over my rump, rested my chin on my hands and waited. The rhythmic repetition of the ocean tide coming from the iPod filled my ears, and I concentrated on slowing the rapid thumping of my heart to match it.

There was a gentle knock on the door, followed by the sound of it opening a crack.

“Are you ready, Miss Swan?”

“Sure, come on in,” I replied, my voice oddly high-pitched. I pulled the sheet up over my back a little. Why did I suddenly feel shy? Even more shy than usual. Lord knows my non-existent boobs were well concealed beneath me.

I heard the door close behind me and soft-soled footsteps approached. I caught a glimpse of white lab coat and charcoal slacks out of the corner of my eye as he hovered near my waist.

“Are you comfortable lying on your stomach, Miss Swan?” his low, velvety voice met my ears. A shiver ran down my spine at the intimate sound of it in this cozy, dimly lit room. Wow, this must be Emmett’s soothing Masseur Voice, I thought. And what’s with the formality all of a sudden--’Miss Swan‘?

“I’m fine,” I assured him, settling my face into the donut hole at the head of the table. “The pillow under my stomach is helping.”

“That’s good,” he replied in the molasses tone. “If at any time you begin to feel stress or pain around your injury, I want you to tell me immediately. I can easily treat you while you lie on your back instead.”

“Okay,” I agreed, letting my arms relax over the end of the table and placing my hands on the round stool beneath. The sound machine continued to evoke a day at the beach, the swooshing sound of the waves beginning to relax me in spite of my trepidation.

“I’m going to begin by checking you over to get a general feel for how your muscles and tissues are behaving. Then I’ll begin working on any problem areas I find,” he said softly.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure my entire back is misbehaving like a naughty schoolgirl,” I mumbled through the donut hole. His answering chuckle was warm and husky. It was amazing how much sexier he sounded in the womb-like room, accompanied by the soothing sea sounds.

“Well, let’s find out, shall we?” he said, the sound of a smile lingering in his voice.

And then, his warm fingers were on me, slowly working over my shoulder blades and up toward my neck. Whoa…his touch was as silken as his Masseur Voice. Tiny shivers traveled unbidden down my spine as he slowly pushed at my flesh, examining every muscle and bone with gentle but thorough probing as he worked his way down my back. By the time reached my tender tailbone, I could feel several erogenous zones beginning to stir and awaken within me. Holy crap… he hadn’t even started the actual massage yet.

“Are you cold? I can raise the temperature in the room if you like,” he offered.

“No, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

“You have goose bumps,” he answered simply. Geezus. What was I supposed to say to that? I was pretty sure this myo-whatever therapy was supposed to relax me, not turn me on.

“This is my first massage,” I answered in muffled explanation. It was a little difficult to talk with my face squished through the donut hole.

“Well, what I’m going to do today is very different from what people think of as traditional massage,” he began. He walked around to the head of the table so that he was standing in front of me. All I could see was the bottom of his white coat, his long gray slacks and black suede shoes. Suede in July? Huh. I hadn’t noticed that before. And then his firm, long fingers were on my neck, and all thought stopped.

“Myofascial release is designed to loosen the constricted tissues and muscles that are pulling your spine out of alignment,” he explained, his hands trailing as slow as tree sap over the base of my neck. They were heading in different directions…one hand pulling up to the right, the other pushing down to the left. The feeling was…odd.

“’Myo’ stands for ‘muscle’; ‘fascial’ pertains to the fascia,” he went on in the velvet voice. “The fascia are the connective tissues surrounding every organ, muscle and bone in your body. They run in ‘sheets’ from head to toe, and when they’re healthy, they slide easily over one another and around your body parts to allow you freedom of movement.”

His fingers were moving up into my hair now at the base of my neck, inexorably yet gently pulling, pulling, pulling…while his other hand continued to gently push, push, push in opposition. I began to feel as if my head was being twisted in a circle, even though my face was still stuck straight ahead, peering at his shoelaces out of the donut hole. One of the laces had come undone.

“The fascia are made up of millions of tiny collagen and elastin fibers, much like a sponge. When they become constricted by repetitive stress--or, in your case, injury--they can compress, twist and harden,” he explained in dulcet tones. How the heck was he making a boring anatomy lesson sound so… erotic? “The distorted fascial tissue can constrict the muscles and keep them from working to their full capacity. Imagine if your muscles were tightly bound in cellophane, and were struggling to do their job in spite of it,” he offered by way of example.

“Wow,” was all I could manage. Though he was still working on my neck, my head was spinning, and I could feel a pulling sensation through my back and chest. “Why do I feel this in so many places other than where you’re working?” I asked him, slightly incredulous. It was as if parts of my body I didn’t even know existed were stirring to life beneath his expert touch.

“Because the fascia stretch in contiguous networks from the top of you head to the tip of your toes,” he repeated gently, sounding slightly as if he were explaining how to add one plus one to a first-grader. “Your lower back problem actually stems from right here--your neck, shoulders and chest.” He moved his magic fingers down over my shoulders as he spoke, pulling gently upward. I could feel it in my chest in the front, and my shoulder blades in the back. Even my jaws were affected by the gentle pressure of his hands on my skin.

“That’s amazing,” I mumbled. I was beginning to succumb to the inexorable pull of his hands and the hypnotic tenor of his voice. The ocean sounds from the iPod were slowly morphing into an exotic Eastern melody, lulling me into a trance. I said nothing more as he moved to the side of the table, his hands working their way slowly down my back, gently and then more firmly massaging my tender flesh. I could sense myself expanding like taffy under the masterful manipulation of his fingers. I literally felt the pull throughout my torso and legs, and all skepticism about this myo-fantastical stuff faded from my increasingly calm mind. He was right about the tissues being connected from head to toe. His hands never left my back, but every other part of my body vibrated in response to the stimulation. I felt like a violin or cello, strings reverberating and resonating deeply under his expert ministrations. I was his instrument, and he played me like a maestro. Who knew that deceptively easy-going Emmett Cullen had such sensual skills lurking within him? Or that my body would become a symphony in response?

I was still trying to absorb the sensations flowing through me when he finally broke my silent reverie.

“So, Miss Swan…would you like to tell me how you injured yourself last weekend?” he murmured as his hands moved closer to the danger zone, my tailbone.

Ugh, he just wasn’t going to let this go, was he? I don’t know whether it was due to my deeply relaxed state or my inborn aversion to lying, but I decided I might as well tell the truth.

“I was trying to change our toilet seat,” I admitted sheepishly through the donut hole.

Silence. He was probably trying like hell to hold in his hilarity.

Finally, he spoke. “Would you care to elaborate?”

I sighed in resignation. “I just moved into a new apartment with my best friend, Angela. It’s kind of an old two-story gingerbread house with these prehistoric appliances and porcelain sinks and tubs. Well, the toilet-seat was all chipped and cracked, and I kept thinking we needed a new one. So when Jacob Black finally asked me out, I decided that it was time for an upgrade. You know, in case he needed to use the bathroom or something…I didn’t want to be embarrassed.” Too late, Swan, I thought as my cheeks grew hot. I was glad my face was exposed only to Emmett Cullen’s suede-covered feet.

“Ah. You must like this Jacob then, if he warrants a new toilet seat.” His voice was brimming with barely-concealed mirth.

“Well, I thought I did. But he hasn’t called me since I cancelled our date after my back went out. He probably doesn’t believe me,” I sighed.

“That’s his loss then, clearly,” Emmett replied in a Silken Sex Voice. Another involuntary shiver shot through me. He ignored my goose bumps and continued, “But that still doesn’t explain how you threw your back out. What did you do? Toilet seat replacement is generally a pretty easy task.”

“Well, it is if you know what you’re doing,” I agreed. I paused for a moment while he pushed gently, then more firmly, at the edge of my ribcage under my armpits. Wow…I’m really tight there. Hmmm.

I cleared my head and continued. “I’ve never replaced one before. I unscrewed those giant plastic bolts from the top of the old toilet seat with a screw-driver, but I neglected to check under the porcelain to see that there were nuts screwed onto the backside. I couldn’t figure out why the bolts wouldn’t come out, and I got frustrated and started yanking on the toilet seat, trying to pull it out…not knowing that a huge pair of nuts underneath were keeping it hooked into the stool,” I admitted guiltily. And there it was…my ignorance and stupidity on display, in the womb room with the hot chiropractor and his magic hands.

“Aaaah,” he responded in understanding. “A huge pair of nuts can definitely be hard to handle.” The humor in his voice was unmistakable now, and I could just picture his mirthful blue eyes crinkling in accompaniment.

My face burned with humiliation when I realized my gaffe. As if my story wasn’t mortifying enough, I had to go and add some unintentional sexual innuendo to the mix.

“Ha-ha,” I replied dismally, thankful that it was impossible for Emmett Cullen to see the embarrassment etched in pink across my cheeks.

He let out a blessedly short laugh. “In all seriousness, I’m glad you told me what happened,” he said soberly. “It explains a lot of what’s going on here. You stressed your upper back too much by bending over and pulling too hard, until your weak spot, down here--” he fingered my tailbone briefly, making me gasp--”finally gave out. And I'm sure all that screwing--I mean, unscrewing--beforehand didn‘t help.”

Oh no, he did NOT just go there! My face had to be ten shades of scarlet by now.

“Thanks for the recap,” I grumbled.

“Sorry,” he said with another chuckle. “You just made that one way too easy.”

“I know. Trust me, you don’t need to remind me what an idiot I am. When I realized that all I had to do was remove the nuts under the seat, I wanted to kick myself. I mean, how dumb can a person be? Don’t answer that,” I finished with a mutter.

He laughed softly. “Don’t beat yourself up over it. Your body already did that for you. Just concentrate on healing now.” When he ordered this in the buttery Massage Voice, with the ethereal, now-Celtic-inspired music pouring from the iPod in accompaniment, I obeyed without question. His hands were working along my spine now, and it felt as if he was reaching right inside me and stretching my muscles like warm Silly Putty. His fingers were a panacea to my pain, and I relaxed completely under his touch. I was beginning to believe that if anyone could heal me, he could.

Between the music and the magic fingers, I was falling into a kind of numb stupor. It felt like he was unwinding years of twisted tension from my back as he worked… releasing years of pent-up pain. Part of me never wanted him to stop. The other part began to feel a vague unease as prickles started to swirl along part of my spine. He had judiciously avoided my lower back, but I began to feel a tautness there, and queasiness spread through my belly. My face felt hot and clammy, and I was considering warning him that I needed to get it out of this donut hole, and soon.

Emmett’s intuition must have kicked in, because he announced, “I think that’s enough for this session. It’s been an hour already. You’ve done extremely well, Miss Swan.” He ran his hands gently up my back and down again, sending another wave of goose bumps through my skin. He pulled the sheet up over my back and added, “I’ll give you a few minutes to get dressed, and then I’ll be back to discuss your prognosis and treatment. Can you get up by yourself, or do you need some help?”

I shook my head vigorously and insisted I could do it myself. No way was I letting him see my boobs, even if he was technically a doctor. I waited until I heard the door close, then slowly pulled myself up into a kneeling position. My head spun dangerously for a moment and my stomach lurched. What the hell did he do to me?

I took a few deep breaths and turned my body to the side, gingerly lowering one foot to the floor, then the other. Whoa… head rush. Another wave of nausea followed. I gripped the mattress for a moment, then staggered to the wicker chair and sat down. I took several deep breaths and grabbed the crystal water goblet, downing half the contents in big, greedy gulps. I sat still for several minutes, breathing deeply. Once I began to get my bearings, I dressed as quickly as possible, then sat down and finished the glass of water. I wasn’t so sure about this myo-what's-it-called stuff anymore. Was it supposed to make me feel this discombobulated?

A tap at the door met my foggy ears, followed by the unmistakable Sex Voice. “Are you decent, Miss Swan?”

I would have made a joke about being quite indecent when the occasion warranted it; but I felt too sick. “Yeah, come in,” I conceded.

He opened the door and made his way around the massage table, pulling out the desk chair and spinning it around to face me. As he sat down, I looked up into the concerned face of a man who was unequivocally--and quite startlingly--NOT Emmett Cullen.

I gaped at him, stunned, as my addled brain tried to work out what was going on here. I felt like the poster child for “Dazed and Confused.”

“Are you feeling all right? You look a little pale,” he said worriedly. His voice was unmistakably the same honey-tongued Masseur Voice that had seduced my ears for the past hour. But his appearance was nothing like Emmett Cullen’s. In fact, the only characteristic he shared with the chiropractor was his superior height. But where Emmett’s face was all-American boyish charm, this man’s was hauntingly handsome, his chiseled bones and commanding brows incongruously contained beneath a pair of elegant, rectangular wire-rimmed glasses. The big eyes lurking behind those lenses were a luminous, anxious green as they bored into mine. His dirty-brown mane of hair was resplendent with reddish-gold sun streaks. As he ran his hand nervously through it, cowlicks sprang up from his head in leonine defiance of the starched white collar encircling his neck below. The five-o’clock shadow overtaking his square jaw was in on the hirsute coup as well, giving him the overall appearance of a barely-tamed lion, pacing in anticipation of being released from his cage.

He was quite possibly the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen.

“Who are you?” I finally managed to croak in bewilderment.

His eyes grew round, and his thick eyebrows arched upward in surprise before furrowing in dismay. “What do you mean?” he asked. “I’m Edward Cullen… the massage therapist who just worked on you.” He sounded a bit like he was talking to a first-grader again. “Are you okay, Miss Swan? You really do look a little green around the gills.”

Edward Cullen? Had I lost my mind? “Where’s Emmett?” I wondered weakly. Had I made him up? I was so light-headed that I was beginning to think anything was possible, including the notion that I might actually be delusional.

“He’s treating another patient,” the gorgeous stranger replied. “He’s the chiropractor, I’m the massage therapist--the other Cullen in ‘Cullen and Cullen, PC.’ Didn’t he explain that to you? He told me he had prepped you beforehand.” A tiny bit of anger, or at least irritation, had crept into his tone.

I frowned and rubbed my forehead, trying to absorb what this Edward Cullen was telling me. “He explained all about the my-oh-whatever-you-call-it treatment… but I just assumed he’d be the one doing it,” I said woozily. “I thought the two Cullens were Carlisle and Emmett.”

The caged lion shook his tousled locks, his flawless face darkening. Yep, he was definitely angry now. “I can’t believe he didn’t tell you--and then I didn’t even introduce myself….” His muttering dissolved into a short string of expletives mumbled under his breath, reminding me of Yosemite Sam on those old Looney Tunes re-runs that I loved when I was a kid. Well, a really hot, tall Yosemite Sam.

The lion pushed his glasses up his nose and composed himself. “I am so sorry, Miss Swan. That was completely unprofessional of both me and my brother. I hope it won’t keep you from coming back to see us again, because I really think I can help you.”

Brother, eh? Interesting. “You mean you can keep this from happening again?” I asked him in disbelief. I had stopped daring to think that I could live my life pain-free.

He nodded confidently. “Your body responded very well to the treatment,” he began. Oh, you have no idea, Edward Cullen. “I was able to make a lot of progress today, but getting you where you need to be won’t happen overnight. Your muscles and fascia have ‘memory,’ so to speak, and they’ll want to go back to what they’re used to doing, even if it’s not the most efficient way for your body to run smoothly. We need to re-train your body so that it wants to do what’s healthiest for you. If you’re willing to do the work and see me on a regular basis, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the results.”

I simply gazed at him and nodded feebly. He wants to see me regularly. That sounded too good to be true, but I was definitely on board. Anything that would bring me in proximity of his handsome face and masterful hands was already at the top of my list of priorities. He wants to re-train my body. That sounded… intriguing. And far too titillating. I was reasonably sure I would be putty in his hands, no matter what he wanted to do to me. He thinks he can fix me. That sounded… impossible. No one had been able to accomplish that since that fateful day six years ago. I desperately wanted to believe that he might be The One who could do this, more than he could ever know.

“So what do I need to do?”

“I’d like to see you this time every week, if possible. If you can’t get off work, I can see you on Saturday mornings. And if your insurance won’t pay for it, we might be able to classify this as a chiropractic appointment since those are usually covered.  I'm sure you'll need to see Emmett a few more times, anyway,” he said with a lopsided grin.

Wow…he was willing to see me on weekends, and fudge insurance claims for me? Why would he go out of his way to help me like this? I gawked at him, dumbfounded. It almost felt like I’d won the lottery. What was the catch?

“Well, I’ll talk to my boss about the schedule and see what she says,” I answered. “I can’t believe you’d see me on weekends--that’s really above and beyond.” My cheeks grew warm as I smiled shyly up at him. He was so beautiful, I was almost able to ignore the nausea that still gnawed at the edges of my belly.

“I see several clients on Saturdays. I usually take an afternoon off during the week in exchange,” he informed me, and my face went from warm to hot in humiliation.

“Of course,” I mumbled.

“Why don’t I schedule an appointment for next Saturday, and in the meantime, you can talk to your boss,” he suggested helpfully. I nodded in agreement.

Suddenly, he reached out to me, and I felt the back of his hand on my forehead. I gasped in surprise at the contact of his warm skin on mine.

“Miss Swan, your skin is very pale and clammy. Do you feel ill?” he asked again, more insistently this time. Weird…I felt more flushed than anything. His hand brushed my cheek briefly, his fingers threading ever so lightly through my hair and sweeping it back from my face before he rested his hand back on his thigh. Tremors shook me in response to this most gentle of gestures. I was beginning to wonder at the power he seemed to have over me in so short a time.

I nodded finally in answer to his question, this time feeling guilty for some reason. “I got kind of queasy and light-headed toward the end of the massage,” I admitted. “I still feel a little…strange.”

Edward frowned at me, his perfect pink lips pursed and green eyes scolding. “If you ever feel at all uncomfortable, you need to tell me immediately, do you understand?” he asked sternly.

I nodded yet again, sufficiently chastised by his concerned yet commanding tone. He sighed a bit and ran his hand through his thick hair again. I could already tell that I would be mesmerized continually by this simple act, no matter how habitually he repeated it.

“The last area I was working on was very close to your lymphatic system,” he explained. “Everything is attached to the spine, as I’m sure you know. You have a very pronounced twist throughout your torso, and it’s going to take some time to unwind it. I know that sounds strange, but that’s essentially what I was doing…loosening the tissues that are bound and twisted throughout your back. In doing that, I also stimulated your lymphatic system, which helps your body eliminate a lot of toxins. That’s probably why you’re nauseous and dizzy now--I basically just stirred up your entire immune system. The next time you even begin to feel this way, you have to tell me so I can stop before it gets to this point. Do you understand me?”

Ugh, again with the grade school talk. “Yes,” I promised. “Don’t worry, I’d prefer not to feel like this again if at all possible.”

He sighed again and rose from his seat, announcing that he was going to get me another glass of water. When he returned, I gratefully gulped down the cool liquid as he advised me to drink plenty of fluids when I got home, and to make some peppermint tea to help settle my stomach. He also gave me a list of things he wanted me to do in the coming week, including some simple exercises to stretch my back and chest, and vitamin and dietary supplements to take. He sounded annoyingly like every doctor I’d ever had by the end of his spiel.

I felt a lot better after my second glass of water, and when I finally got up, I was much steadier on my feet. I looked up at Edward Cullen and realized just how tall he really was--definitely over six feet, towering over my tiny 5’5” frame. His build was lean, the opposite of his sturdy brother; and his torso seemed to go on forever before it reached his legs.

“I made an appointment for you next Saturday at ten a.m., if that will work,” he smiled, his eyebrows raising questioningly. “And this time you’ll be lying on your back, so you shouldn’t get nauseous,” he assured me.

“Ten o’clock? That's fine,” I agreed. How the heck will he work on my back if I’m lying on it? I wondered. Surely he wouldn’t be massaging my front, would he? Holy crow. There’d be no way to relax with him touching me like that. And then looking up at his stunning face hovering over me while he’s doing it…? I’ll be toast. Plain and simple.

Edward escorted me to the front door, probably still afraid that I might keel over at any moment. Emmett appeared shortly after, apologizing profusely for failing to properly explain how things work at Cullen and Cullen. The brothers glared at each other for a moment, though they tried to hide it with smooth smiles at me afterward. I was pretty sure an argument would be breaking out about thirty seconds after I was out the door and no longer within earshot. Even though I’m an only child, I can imagine how those love/hate sibling relationships probably work.

I came home and made some peppermint tea like Edward suggested, and it did help me feel better. He told me I’d have some soreness, and I do; but what’s odd is that it keeps moving around to various parts of my body. My upper back was achy for about thirty minutes, but then it moved down a bit, and suddenly the right side of my leg was throbbing for awhile. I have to admit that this total-body connection thing must be the real deal. I’ve never felt so many odd sensations making their way through so many parts of my body before.

But the best development by far is this: for the first time since that horrible day, I feel hope. I’d pretty much given up on that. But the thought of Edward Cullen, and what he might be able to do for me, makes me more excited than I’ve felt about anything in a long time. I’m a little afraid to expect too much, of course. I’m trying not to expect anything at all. I figure that even if he can’t help me, at least the scenery will be lovely while he’s trying.

You can’t imagine what he looks like, Mom... like a man from another era. I keep picturing him as my favorite anti-hero, Heathcliff, riding a stallion on the wily, windy English moors; his unkempt hair, rugged jaw and pink cheeks like poetry in motion as he gazes intensely at his lover and riding companion, Catherine. Make that Isabella, since this is my fantasy.

And that’s why I think I’m in trouble. I’m in danger of falling for my massage therapist. Hard. Why does that sound so tawdry? Hmmm, maybe because I’m paying the guy to touch me all over?

I’m going to stop over-thinking this right now. Que sera, sera, etc. Angela is out renting us some movies and Ben’s coming over tonight, so I’m going to relax with a big bowl of popcorn and several hours of TV escapism. I need to take it easy so I feel okay tomorrow night. Ange agreed to come with me to Billy’s Brew Pub while I check out the yahoos playing on open mic night. A lot of times there’s no one a cut above what you'd hear in your average karaoke bar, but occasionally you can find some real diamonds in the rough at these things. I admire anyone who can get up onstage with only a guitar to hide behind and just let it all hang out. I gave up on the idea of being able to do it myself a long time ago. I know what you must think about that, Mom. But at least I can still enjoy that talent in other people when I hear it. And with Rose’s help, sometimes they can go on to do great things. I like to think that I might have a hand in someone else’s success and happiness someday. It helps lessen the pain of what might have been, you know?

Wish me luck with everything, Mom. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Love,

Bella

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Massage Therapy (a work in progress)

I swore I was not going to write a new fic right away.  I wanted to take some time to read other people's work (and I am beginning to do that.)  But these voices in my head just keep talking to me, so I started writing them down.  Hmmm, should I call the whitecoats?  Nah, I'll just use my blog as therapy instead.  That's a little bit like what my characters are doing in this one.

I'm just going to post a chapter here when they come to me, and I may stop and change things around.  This is just me thinking "out loud."  "Edward," "Bella" and the usual suspects are all human here, in an alternate universe.  Stephenie Meyer created them...the rest is the result of my tiny little mind, with the help of some great ideas from the brilliant Ladies Of The Chain (i.e. The Chain Gang, the RobTarts...take your pick!)

Massage Therapy, Chapter One


From the Desk of Bella Swan

Monday, July 12, 2010

You won’t believe it, Mom--it happened again. I threw my back out.

Of course, I say this as if I didn’t help it along in spectacular fashion by doing something so simple, yet, in retrospect, so idiotic that I almost feel like I deserve it. Just when I think my back is fine and I forget to baby it, it reminds me that it will never quite be normal. Just like me, I guess.

Luckily I had some leftover muscle relaxants from the last time, so I was able to get by until today, when I went to see Dr. Cullen. Dad offered to drive down from Forks to take care of me, but I told him it wasn’t necessary, since my roomie was more than willing to help. Angela did the grocery shopping and cooking all weekend, and she and Ben tried to keep my spirits up. The drugs knocked me out though, which is just as well. Not being able to stand up straight severely limits the things you can do to entertain yourself. I just laid around like a bum, reading “the usual” when I’m feeling sorry for myself. The Complete Works of Jane Austen is still my favorite gift that you ever gave me, by the way.

Dr. Cullen renewed my prescription and told me to rest another day or two, so I missed work again. Rose seemed okay with it, and told me she just wanted me to be in fighting form by the weekend so I could continue to scout the local music scene for The Next Big Thing. After all, that’s what Java Noise (barely) pays me for. Dr. Cullen told me that if I take it easy, I should be able to get back to my normal activities, within reason. You’d like him, Mom. He looks like a movie star, all wavy blond hair, straight white teeth and dimples. If he were closer to my age, I’d probably be half-swoony when I leave his office.

He made an appointment for me to see his son Emmett later this week, after my muscle spasms calm down a little bit. Emmett has a chiropractic office across the hall from his father. If he’s as good-looking as his dad, I might very well swoon yet. I’ll let you know on Friday after my appointment.

I’d tell you what I did to mess up my back, but honestly, I can’t commit it to writing, it’s so embarrassing. It’s even dumber than the time I seized up after throwing my head back to gargle mouthwash, if you can believe that. What am I saying? Of course you can. You know me. There's a reason you didn't name me "Grace."  It’s hilarious enough that my last name is “Swan.”

For right now, I think it’s time to suffer in silence. Well, metaphorically speaking. My iPod is already queued up with my favorite melancholy babies to soothe my soul. I’ll let you know how everything goes later this week.

Love you, miss you.

~Bella



Edward Cullen's Little Black Notebook
Thursday, July 15, 2010

I saw a girl who looked just like you on the ferry today, Tanya.

I had to do a double take, because the resemblance was so uncanny. Same strawberry blonde hair pulled back in a pony tail, same clear hazel eyes. But then I realized the curve of her mouth was different; her nose a little too long. And then I laughed at myself for even having to look twice, when I know damned well you weren’t on that boat this morning.

After the woman caught me staring, she stared back. It was that same, familiar, tiresome stare that most women give me. You used to joke that my vanity was second only to my arrogance, but you know that neither of them could be further from the truth. I’ve known I was good-looking since the tenth grade, but not for any reason that the mirror ever proved. The looking glass certainly didn’t suddenly reveal anything that I hadn’t picked apart or agonized over before puberty claimed me. I still had the same slightly flat, off-kilter nose and crooked smile I’d always had. In fact, those flaws were now being overshadowed by the encroachment of an increasingly shaggy set of eyebrows that had formed a sparse-but-downy caterpillar over the bridge of my nose. My jaw was beginning to jut from my neck like a geometric figure out of my algebra textbook, and it was starting to sprout prodigious amounts of hair as well. I was pretty well stoked the first time I had to shave, even though I gave myself five toilet-paper nicks in the process.

None of this self-examination at the tender age of fifteen proved that any sort of alluring metamorphosis had occurred. Nevertheless, that was the age when girls suddenly began blushing and giggling and staring up at me from under fluttering eyelashes when they passed my locker at school. At first I thought it was because I was tall. My summer growth spurt had put me a good head above many of the other boys whose hormones hadn’t been as cooperative as mine had. But even after some of them caught up to my six-foot-plus height, I still seemed to be the most frequent target of girls dropping pencils in front of me in order to flaunt their assets while bending over to pick them up.

It took a few years before I grew tired of the obvious girls. Early on, I was easily swayed by a pretty face and a glimpse of cleavage or a curvy thigh. I was especially excited when older girls took an interest in me. Older girls were more experienced…more willing to let my hands explore where they wanted to. I still can’t squelch the tinge of smugness I feel when I recall losing my virginity to a college girl when I was still a junior in high school. You can imagine how I was the envy of all my high school buddies (and yes, I was that thoughtless and indiscreet at sixteen). There were definite perks to having a good-looking older brother with equally attractive friends. I wonder where that girl is now? Lauren. Blonde and Barbie-doll like, she was incapable of carrying on a decent conversation, but she was a firecracker in the sack. Back then, that was enough. Now I wonder if anything or anyone will be enough.

I can almost hear your bitter reply to that one. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m the one standing in the way of my own happiness. I’m just sorry I stood in the way of yours. It’s the one thing I can’t seem to forgive myself for.

So glad tomorrow is Friday. One more day at Cullen and Cullen and I’m free. I say that as if I don’t love my work, when you know I do. Dad would have liked for me to do more with my life than be Emmett’s sidekick--at least, I’m sure that’s how he sees it. You’d think that as a doctor, he would acknowledge the benefits of massage therapy as much as chiropractics. Then again, I think Dad was disappointed that neither of his sons went into “proper” medicine like he did. At least Emmett’s choice gives him a license to put on the wall. Mine does, too, but I can see in Dad’s eyes that he thinks it’s not worth the piece of paper it’s printed on. Still, he refers patients to us when he thinks they could benefit from our particular skills. There’s a new girl coming in tomorrow who needs an adjustment and probably some myofascial work, since an old injury keeps flaring up and giving her problems. It’s always amazing to me how perfectly healthy someone can look on the outside, but when I examine the person, there are untold issues lurking just below the surface. The body never lies.

Man, I’m really looking forward to letting off some steam this weekend. I’m doing the open mic night thing tomorrow night at the Java Shack, and Saturday night at Billy’s Brew Pub. Jasper and I have been working on a couple of numbers together, so that should be fun. Alice has developed quite the crush on him since she came home from school this summer, so I’m sure she’ll be in the audience, making more noise for us than we could possibly deserve. But that’s Alice for you. As little sisters go, I definitely lucked out, even though she does drive me crazy sometimes.

Shit, I hate when phrases like that slip out. Sorry. You were never crazy, Tanya. Just lost. We all lose our way. I’m just sorry I couldn’t…I wasn’t….

I won’t go down this road again. It never does any good. I’ll let you know how the weekend goes.

Missing you,

~Edward

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Amnesia - Epilogue (Edward gets the last word)

Edward

“You know, this graduation ceremony would go a lot more quickly if your last name were ‘Cullen’ instead of ‘Swan.’” I gave Bella a grumpy look.

“It wouldn’t go any faster,” she corrected me, her face twisted with concentration as she stood before the mirror, trying to bobby-pin her graduation cap in place atop her head. “We’d just be able to pass the time more quickly by whispering about everyone behind their backs.”

“Exactly my point,” I sighed, hating the fact that we would be seated alphabetically halfway across the stadium from each other during the sure-to-be-interminable UAA graduation.

“Tell you what: I’ll let you read my mind during the ceremony, and I’ll promise to make it worth your while,” her reflection grinned at me, tugging on the mortar board to make sure it wouldn’t budge.

“Thank God for graduation robes,” I chuckled, quirking a suggestive eyebrow. “They should be able to hide a multitude of sins.”

It had seemed like only yesterday that we were moving into the dorms, Bella rooming with Angela Weber, and I in a single room in the boys’ wing. Needless to say, she spent quite a bit of time in my room, and Angela was only too happy to have some quiet study time. Charlie and I were of the same mind on the matter of Bella’s education. We both wanted her to have the complete college experience, as much as was possible. And for that matter, I figured I owed the same to Edward Masen, even though I still felt a certain distance from my human life, regardless of the return of my memories. So Bella and I suffered through two years of dorm life before getting our own apartment together junior year. Charlie was none too pleased at that development, but by then he had given up hope of his daughter ever having eyes for any man but me.

It wasn’t too difficult scheduling classes late in the afternoon and evening so that we wouldn’t have to worry about missing them due to the unfortunate presence of sunshine. During the winter months, there was barely any daylight to worry about anyway. I found work in a bar similar to Jake’s so I’d have some spending money while I studied music and art. Carlisle had insisted on paying my tuition to the University of Alaska, with the only caveat that I keep a B average. I rewarded his generosity with nearly straight A’s, graduating in the top 10 percent of my class. In my free time I wrote songs and performed them on the Gibson my dad had given me, loving the freedom of expression that came with performing to the small but appreciative bar crowd.

Bella made a little extra money doing some free-lance writing while studying English and biochemistry. She also began journaling more and more, and soon had pages filled with incredible stories about fantastical creatures with superhuman talents. When I read them, I was positive she had a surefire top-selling work of “fiction” on her hands. Her goal after graduation was to get her first book published. As for me, I would be touring America over the summer with a group of college musicians as their pianist. Bella was excited to see the country with me while looking for free-lance writing jobs. After that, it was anyone’s guess. We would simply play it by ear.

We had managed to build as normal a life as possible for ourselves, all things considered. We often joked that if we became famous someday, we’d eventually have to disappear and become reclusive, never-seen-in-public, eccentric artists. And then, after a few decades, we could reinvent ourselves and start all over again.

But for now, we were still passing for young-looking college grads, ready to go out and make our mark on the world. I had spent the last four years entreating Bella to marry me, and she had spent them teasing me mercilessly by putting me off. It became our secret running joke; I coming up with inventive ways to ask her, she finding new ways to refuse. I threw paper airplanes with proposals written on them to her in lecture hall. I shouted the request through noisy bars. I spelled it out in shaving cream letters on the bathroom mirror, even though I had to buy a can of shave cream especially for the task. I even had the scoreboard at a home hockey game flash the question in neon lights: Bella, will you marry me? And with the game-cam pointed right at us in the crowd, she shook her head and answered, “Someday,” before I cut her off with a kiss. With endless amounts of time on our hands, there really was no rush. And yet I couldn’t quell the desire to have my mother’s ring securely on her finger instead of on a chain around her neck. I wanted to wear her ring as well. She owned me completely, and I considered it a privilege.

I continued to watch her in the mirror until she was satisfied that her graduation cap could be removed only by an act of God, or vampire, whichever happened first. She was used to me staring at her by now. I often caught her gazing at me as well. We had yet to tire of each other. I kept waiting for the day that familiarity would render her less dazzling to me, but it never came. I was quite certain it never would.

“You look beautiful,” I told her, turning my head sideways so as to avoid the mortar board and carefully kissing her cheek.

“I look like a dork,” she replied with a laugh. “You, of course, will be heart-breakingly handsome in your cap, whenever you decide to put it on.”

“You are biased, my dear,” I answered evenly. “And this thing can wait until I have to walk out on the field.” I waved my graduation hat and tassel at her, then took her arm and led her to the door of our apartment.

We had to be at Mulcahy Stadium before 10 a.m. for rehearsal even though the ceremony didn’t start until 3 p.m. UAA graduation was being held outdoors this year while Sullivan Arena underwent some repairs. A lot of the students were happy that the graduation would be out in the open air, though the possibility of sun made Bella and I nervous that we might not be able to attend. We would have a lot of explaining to do to Renee and Phil, and Charlie for that matter, if we suddenly ditched our commencement when they had traveled so far to see us. Luckily, the forecast was for an overcast day, with possible showers later. I hoped that our caps and gowns would keep us sufficiently shadowed in the event of an occasional glimpse of sunshine.

Rehearsal was as dull as I expected, and I was glad that Bella and I didn’t have to partake of the wilted catered lunch afterward. The Liberal Arts students were all lumped together, and comprised nearly as big a group as the Nursing College. As I predicted, Bella and I were seated far across the field from each other. Of course, she had become rather skilled at sending me her thoughts when she wished. She never could get inside my mind though, and of that I was glad. She had claimed every other part of me so thoroughly that I had to retain something as my own.

Finally it was time for all 2,036 students to file out to their seats. I was thankful for my superior eyesight as I scanned the crowd in the bleachers, looking for the Cullens. They had all managed to make it here today, since Alice’s pre-med classes at the University of Minnesota had ended last week. I singled their thoughts out in the crowd and my eyes followed; they were seated not far from me, and Bella’s parents were with them. They would all have a good view of us walking across the stage to receive our diplomas. Carlisle and Esme were beaming proudly; Emmett hooted and hollered while Rosalie waved demurely; Jasper was fiddling with the new zoom lens he’d just bought for his camera; and Alice, curiously, was reciting “The Tempest” to herself. That could only mean one thing: she was intentionally blocking me from discovering something that her precognitive mind had seen. I glowered at her from across the stadium, which she roundly ignored as her brain bombarded me with “Flout 'em and scout 'em, And scout 'em and flout 'em, Thought is free.”

I shook my head at her and waited for the ceremony to begin. As soon as the guest speakers began droning their inspirational words of encouragement, I tried to zero in on the sound of Bella’s thoughts above those of my fellow graduates. It didn’t take long for me to see the image in her head, because it was one of my most cherished memories: the first time we made love in the cottage, after she was changed. That entire weekend was burned vividly in my mind, because a perfect euphoria such as that could never be forgotten, nor recreated. The knowledge that I had not lost Bella; that I had saved her and kept her with me always; was the greatest gift that I would ever receive. The fact that she was now my equal physically was icing on the cake. Being able to make love to her without inhibition was beyond my wildest imaginings, and her response propelled me even further into the stratosphere. We were a force of nature together… inseparable, unstoppable.
She had to marry me. She would marry me.

This was my only thought as the names began to be called, and the alphabet worked its way down to the Carters, the Cooks, the Crawfords. The closer the announcer got to “Cullen,” the louder Alice’s voice became in my head:

“Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.”


I ignored her as my name was called, rising to my feet and striding purposefully toward the stage. I could feel a stirring of excitement in my gut as I marched up the stairs, and I thought of my parents, hoping that there was, in fact, a heaven from which they could look down and see me. I was grateful for my adoptive family beaming at me from a few rows back behind the stage as I approached the dean. I accepted the diploma from him and shook his hand gently, observing, as always, his brief look of surprise at the temperature of my skin. We smiled at one another, and I took a step as if to descend the stage. Then I stopped and turned to my left, peering through the sea of faces until I found the one I was looking for.

“Bella,” I called loudly, not shouting, not needing to. She would hear. Her smile was huge, excited for me. Her eyebrows raised at the sound of her name. I could tell by her expression that she knew what was coming.

“Will you marry me?”

I grinned broadly and numerous people in the first few rows laughed and cheered. Bella’s lips twisted as she tried to fight back her smile, giving me a warning look and shaking her head slightly. I laughed at our little joke as I always did, then exited the stage, finding my seat again.

I waited through the long, ponderous procession of humans whose names fell between “Cullen” and “Swan,” beginning to feel in earnest some irritation that her name and mine were not already one and the same--especially when Alice began torturing me with Shakespeare’s sonnets in her demented mind. But my heart still swelled with pride when Bella gracefully ascended the stairs, not tripping or even bobbling in her modest heels as she had needlessly feared. She quickly found my face in the crowd and grinned at her victory. I gave her a quick thumbs-up as she made her way to the dean. I glanced at Bella’s parents in the audience, and I could see Renee’s tears of happiness and the lump in Charlie’s throat from yards away. I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face when the dean handed my little writer her diploma, but my grin didn’t begin to compare to the shocked smile of elation that soon replaced it.

Bella stopped in the exact same spot I had on the stage, turned, found me and looked me deeply in the eyes. She lifted her left hand up, palm facing her, the tops of her fingers facing the crowd. The glint of a my mother’s diamond was impossible to miss as she waggled her fingers at me. Her voice rang out clear as a bell over the rows of students seated in front of me.

“Yes.”

I stared at her for a stunned second, wondering if I had heard her correctly. Her gaze was completely serious, but her slow smile was infectious.

“Yes!” I exclaimed, more loudly than I had intended. Students all around me hollered and clapped their approval, while Bella began to laugh at the look on my face. My vampire family had matching looks of elation, while Alice sighed “Finally!” with relief. All sense of decorum left me, and I leapt up, tore the mortar board off my head and hurled it up in the air. Students cheered as it hurtled so high in the sky that it vanished. I heard the quick rationalizations in their heads: “Look how a gust of wind just carried it away!”

Bella laughed again, her musical sounds of amusement carrying over all the others to my sensitive ears. Her excited eyes still glued to mine, she yanked the hat off of her own head and did the same, flinging it forcefully upward so that it, too, disappeared. The graduates watched in amazement when the second hat never came back to earth. Suddenly, a euphoric anarchy seemed to overtake them as dozens, then hundreds, of hats joined ours, tossed joyously into the air by those who hadn’t even received their diplomas yet, as well as those who had.

Bella raced to the edge of the stage and down the steps, while I pardoned my way past all the people sitting in my way as I hurried to meet her.

“You said ‘yes,’” I marveled as I scooped her up in my arms.

“Of course I did,” she grinned, throwing her arms around my neck. “I promised you I would.”

“And I promise you that I will spend eternity making sure you never regret it.”

I kissed her exultantly as I whirled her around and around. The celebrating throng paid us no mind, camouflaged as we were in a sea of humanity, a shower of graduation caps raining down on us from the heavens above.



So are you to my thoughts as food to life,
Or as sweet-season'd showers are to the ground;
And for the peace of you I hold such strife
As 'twixt a miser and his wealth is found;
Now proud as an enjoyer and anon
Doubting the filching age will steal his treasure,
Now counting best to be with you alone,
Then better'd that the world may see my pleasure;
Sometime all full with feasting on your sight
And by and by clean starved for a look;
Possessing or pursuing no delight,
Save what is had or must from you be took.
Thus do I pine and surfeit day by day,
Or gluttoning on all, or all away.



Sonnet LXXV, William Shakespeare


Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Robsessed understand....

More beautiful pics came out today of Rob just being Rob.  I want to hate on the paps, but then they go and capture moments like this--Rob just hanging out, taking a smoke break, effortlessly (and obliviously) displaying why he's truly a cut above.

One of the LOTC just sent the email below, and I wanted to share it.  The True Rob Fans will understand.

 Oh Jesus.

I love watching him be him. Ya know. *remembers who she's talking to*
of course you do.

But the mid-sentence, casual lean, smoke between the fingers (the
fingers in general) ... It all just works for me. Anyone who claims
they "can't see it" is lying, they just don't wanna be mainstream.

*grabs turtle swim floatie*

The mainstream water's hot. I like it. Besides, we all loved him before
any of the teens and whackjobs....he's ours.

xoxo
~Erin Batt

P.S. The LOTC have all been discussing the state of Rob's fly.  We like him 'cause he's always ready. And a dork who walks around with his pants undone.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Summer House: 30-Second Synopsis (aka Rob looks hot with a weave!)

So I downloaded The Summer House today, as did half the planet, if iTunes stats are to be believed (#1 download within a few hours of release? Nice goin', Roberto!)  I didn't have time to watch all 13.9 minutes of it at first, so I just watched the Hot Rob Seduction Scene parts.  Later, I managed to sit through the entire thing and try to glean some sort of plot out of it other than "Rob is HOT!"  Well, sort of.

My dear friend Roblivious sent the following email to the Ladies Of The (email) Chain:
I downloaded it. I watched it. It's worth every penny!!!! But now if someone could just tell me what it's about . . .

Roblivious is one smart cookie.  I didn't believe for one minute that she couldn't figure out what it was about.  So I offered up this highly intellectual take on the film:

It's about some stupid English girl who dates some super hot guy who dumps her for someone else, and then feels bad about it, and writes her these ridiculous heart-covered letters that look like a 12-year-old girl drew on them in crayon, which she doesn't read because she's so mad at him. Then he follows her all the way to France, hoping to win her back or at least get laid, but she gets mad at him again 'cuz he's fucking with the fancy dress her French aunt (or whoever she is) loaned her and she's afraid his gorgeous hands will ruin the dress, which has corset laces up the back (which so clearly screams "I'm a whore, come undo these laces, you hot stud in the velvet blazer!"); so he helpfully suggests to her that she remove it so he can grope her naked body, but she's repulsed 'cuz clearly he's an asshole (um yeah right, what's yer point girly?); so she rebuffs his ridiculous sensual hotness and runs away and cries and burns his letters; and then she compares her whole mundane teen ordeal to men walking on the moon for the first time, which fills her with hope for the future; 'cuz how can she get hung up on some insanely hot guy who wants to use her for sex when there's a whole universe out there just waiting to be explored?

The end.

That's what I got out of it anyway.

So...there you have it.  Am I missing some deeper meaning here?  Do I care?  I get to watch Rob stuff his hand down the back of a tight dress and pretend it's mine.  The rest is gravy.